The worst thing to loose is hope. Nothing's going to get better, it will always be horrible. I looked at everybody else who had a better life than me. Not perfect but better. You lie, you just live in a web full of lies and you have a better life than me?! Then you decide to screw mine up even more. I lost even more hope looking at everybody elses life seeing them smile and laughing with their friends, while I was all alone, no friends, hardly anyone to trust but my parents. My relatives talk crap about my dad just becuase he didn't treat my brother like a son. They don't even know them like I do. You try being a guy who got married to a woman who had a teenage son and you are hardly around kids that much, then try saying parenting is easy. They were never in place so they can't judge him. The guilt creeps up inside me knowing what they say about him and my mom tells me not to tell him while she just sits there not ever standing up for him. You try to see your future and all you see is this lonley person with no friends, a brother who died of lung cancer, everything you once knew gone and you are the only one who's alive. Everybody else is a total stranger, your neighboors, your coworkers, everybody. You cry yourself to sleep every night all alone. You think of all the screwed up people in the world and wonder when will you meet a good person. A person that isn't insecure, that don't hide behind a smoke of lies. I can't seem to eat anymore if I don't want to get sick. It feels like hell on the inside. It feels like your heart is being pushed down deep inside you. Why do we have to have feelings? I guess we can't chosse what we are born with. Sometimes I wish I had downsyndromes or something like that to where I was in my own world. No matter how old you get you are never too old to be a kid. Nobody will tell you to grow up. Maybe people will be nicer to you becuase they feel sorry for you. I honestly don't know. I just want to not feel sick anymore. Be able to tell people how I feel with out breaking into tears, without feeling like I am going to die. I just want to feel happy and hopeful agian.