Sorrow And Joy

We were so happy to find that I was pregnant. Such an over powering amount of joy. A joy we need so much considering I had buried my mother 4 wks before. I have high blood pressure so I knew there would be some issues but for some reason I had no fear. I trusted that all would go well and for a while everything did. At 22wks and 4 days my body could no longer carry our son. I had severe preeclampsia and my body was starting to slowly shut down. The doctors begged me to end my pregnancy for my health and I fought them the whole time even though my kidney's were beginning to shut down. Finally at 23 wks my husband lovingly looked me in my eyes and said "I can't lose you both. Please." I knew he was right and was angry at him for it. I finally told the doctor what she need to hear and she wanted me to have him naturally, but I knew if I did that our son would have no chance at life. As I considered the option I felt our boy move and kick and I couldn't he was still alive and letting me know it. On July 31, 2010 ,through c-section, our son, too small to even cry, was rushed to the NICU and put on a ventilator. I only got to see a picture of him much later. I wasn't able to see him or touch him for the first 24 hrs of his life. It wasn't until I fought the medical staff that they finally let me see him. 14oz 11in and so beautiful. I never wanted to leave his side, but with my blood pressure still out of control I could only visit a short while. Later that evening it was evident that his heart was just to small to keep up so my husband and I agreed it was time let him go. On August 1, 2010, I held our son as he took his last breath and it was almost as if the heavens wept with us that night as the rain began to pour outside. The next day I was calling several funeral homes so I could take care of my sons body. Some nurses were shocked by this. I had to exlpain to them that my son was not there anymore and I needed his body out of that place. I needed out of that place, for some reason even though I knew He was n't there the tought of his body in a frezzer bothered me. We had a small service fo him. For months I was in a deep depression. I stuffed my emotions with food and didn't care about anything. It took me about 6 months to crawl out of my dark hole. When I did I started exercising and my husband and I were finding our way back to each other 7 months after the death of our son. I found that I was pregnant again and I was so angry at myself. I didn't want to relive that pain again. It would kill me for sure. I was given the option to terminate my pregnancy and that thought sickened me. This time I was different. I was going to chose this baby over everyone. We didn't do all the normal things that most peope do when they are expecting a baby. We didn't have that joy that you are supposed to have during a pregnancy. In some ways we shut off a lot of our emotions just to survive just in case something happened again, or maybe we almost expected something. don't really know, but I do know we were to scared to dare to hope. Our daughter grew and moved so much, it was like she was knew I needed a constant reminder that she was there. I knew I loved her the moment I saw her first ultrasound ( I feel guilty for saying this) but I didn't want to. At 28wks my body began to do the same as it did before had another c-section. I saw her at a distance and I didn't realized just how much I shut out my emotions till that moment. It wasn't untill I heard her cry that all the things I should have been feeling hit me like a ton of bricks, thats when I started to cry. We were terrified but we had hope again. After 21/2 months in the NICU our baby girl was able to come home. Even though we still long for our son God has blessed us with a beautiful little girl who is now 8 months old. She has been the light to help pull us out of a dark place and we cherish every moment with her.
EZ1011 EZ1011
22-25
May 21, 2012