Future Mother Of An Angel Baby

My name is Jess. I am 26 yrs old & a single mother to two beautiful sons. On 12/19, I am scheduled for a medical miscarriage... aka an abortion. Please read my story before you pass judgement.

Beginning earlier this year, I started having weird medical issues. First I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, then issues with my thyroid. I started getting migraines, & now my limbs all the way down to my fingers & toes fall asleep, & it's extremely painful. I was on about 8 different medications, including birth control, when I got pregnant. I took all my medications religiously, so the conclusion my doctor came up with was that one or more new medications counteracted my birth control pill & I became pregnant. I wanted another child so bad. I dream about having a little girl & doing mommy daughter stuff- but I knew in my heart that my health was more important & that having another child could wait, so imagine my surprise/dismay when I learned I was already 5 weeks along.

My boyfriend broke up with me the day before I found out. Over the past month I have been accused of doing this on purpose, wanting money from him, I just wanted to trap him, etc etc. This has caused me emotional HELL. So, on top of trying to come to terms with having to terminate my pregnancy due to my health issues, I am faced with horrible accusations. I feel that I am completely run down. I feel let down, I feel like I'm letting my child down.. This innocent child I planned to keep. I named him/her, had plans. I feel like my body betrayed me & ppl I loved & trusted betrayed me 10x worse. I have a small support system but this is very hard. This is not something I want to do or want to happen. I'm already mourning the loss of my child who will be inside of me for another week. Has anyone been through this? Does it get better? I already hate myself & it's not even my fault. I just want to be well for my sons. I'm the only parent they have & they need me. I can't take this risk :(
diamondeyes13 diamondeyes13
26-30, F
2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

I am bipolar and have two daughters. When I became pregnant with my son, I was considering abortion, I had had 3 miscarriages already and there was so much going on with my daughters (my eldest is autistic) and I just didn't think I could handle another pregnancy and baby or forbid it another miscarriage. My boyfriend, who is amazing and I am lucky to have someone like him, was a huge factor in deciding to keep the baby. He doesn't have any biological children, although he is the father of the 3 babies I had miscarried. We made the descion to go ahead with the pregnancy despite my medical and mental health issues. I stopped taking my meds and carried my son for 29 weeks before he was stillborn by emergancy c-section. I lost my son and it killed me. I know what you are facing is hard and there are a million different emotions and thoughts pulling you millions of different ways. Just please remember that what you think you can't handle might be just what puts your life together and that you could loose what you always wanted after realizing it is what you want. I think of my son every minute of everyday, espically when I look at his odler sisters. It hurts so much to breath sometimes knowing that I almost "got rid" of him only to love him and have him taken away. Does it ever get better? I hope so. You are in my thoughts

I am so sorry for your loss. I fear the same will happen to me. I've never had fears during my pregnancies but this one has me so worried. I feel different. I feel like something is wrong & I can't explain it.

That's EXACTLY how I felt through almost the whole pregnancy after we decided to keep. I wanted to be happy and I did love JJ more then anything. I was just... scared that something was wrong, even though the drs said everything looked fine i just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

I may have had my bad feelings confirmed. I just started spotting. It's pink, & I've been really crampy ever since I got pregnant, but more so today. This very well may be the beginning of a miscarriage. I have never had one so I'm not sure what to look for. I'm having intense menstrual like cramps, but normally I rarely have cramps during my period.

o sweetie i'm so sorry. when i had my first miscarriage i had horrible menstrual like cramps and started passing blood and white gloopy stuff. i would def have things checked out

The spotting as of right now has stopped but my cramps have been on & off. They got bad enough last night to actually wake me up from a good sleep. I'm gonna see what happens today & if nothing changes I'll see a dr :/

2 More Responses

I have been through that. Almost 5 years ago and it still hurts and every now and then if it comes up, I cry about the baby I will never know. I had similar reasons to yours behind why I did what I did and even how I got pregnant. Looking back now, I'm still not sure if I made the right decision. I can imagine I would've survived although not without struggle but then there are so many blessings in my life that I may not have come across if I had chose a different path. It is the hardest decision I have had to make and even though it is over and done with, the pain does still linger. I now have a 2 year old son and am due with a girl on the 7th of January. I will tell you in the beginning of this pregnancy I seriously contemplated abortion even though this was my only planned pregnancy in my life so far! That is horrible, i know, but hormones in early pregnancy can mess with your mind and even though you have some valid reasons behind your fears, hormones can really distort things for women. I wish I had some advice to take away some of the pain and uncertainty. This is such a personal and life changing decision and I really hope whatever decision you make, things look up for you.

Thank you so much for your words. I know in my heart that its probably the best decision, while the hardest. I know I probably won't forgive myself ever but I wouldn't forgive myself even more if I lost the baby later on, it struggled in the NICU or something happened to me so that I was unable to care for my sons already here. I take parenting so seriously & I hate this is something I have to consider. I have 6 more days to make my final decision :(