I Have Lost My Baby
On September 24th, I had my monthly prenatal appointment. I told the doctor of symptoms I had that I was worried about. My doctor just told me everything was fine. The next day, my baby was born. I went into preterm labor. All my symptoms that I had told my doctor about were early warning signs of Preterm Labor. My water broke early while I was at the doctors office but she didn't check that either. I didn't know my water broke though.. and I didn't know I was in labor until the next day.
It was the scariest, and most horrible situation ever. Not all of it was though, giving birth to my daughter was the most amazing thing that I ever done. She was born that night. My husband handed her to me and said hello to Alana. I was speechless, the first thing I said was "She is so beautiful". And she was, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, so cute. She had my nose, my lips, and my ear, but everything else was her daddy. She was tall, had big little baby feet, knobby knuckley hands just like Daddy. She had the cutest little chubby cheeks. She was moving around, and I was just amazed that she was here and I could see her and touch her. I touched her little nose. My husband put her little hand on my finger, it was so tiny. My heart broke as I realized this would be that only moments that I would have with her, and I wished that it would never end. My husband put her next to my head, and told me to kiss her head and I did, and I told her I love you for the first and last time. I was only able to see and hold her for a few minutes until they took me away to the OR. My husband held her mostly the entire time she was alive while I was in surgery & in recovery, and I'm very thankful for that. I was worried if she might have felt lonely, but at least her daddy was with her. The doctors said that they could not save her because her lungs had not developed yet. She was only 20 weeks and 4 days old (gestation). If she had only been a little older...
The days that followed were emotionally draining. I stayed in the hospital until the next evening. Then had to make funeral arrangements for her for the next few days. My husband and I had her wake and laid her to rest that weekend.
My husband and I had only been married for a few days when she passed. This is going to take forever for me to get over. I miss her everyday. I cry nearly every night because I am waiting her to kick me (she used to kick me a lot at night). I cry every time I think of the first time I saw her. I cry because I was supposed to give her to my husband, I was supposed to give him a child. I feel like I've let him down, though I know he doesn't blame me for it. I miss having her inside me, and I'm going to miss her every day for the rest of my life. I am lonely without her.
I wish my dumb doctor would have paid more attention to my symptoms. I feel so guilty for not having done more, pushed my doctor to do an examination, but I didn't. I put too much trust in her. Now I have to live without my princess. I wanted to have this baby so bad and now I don't even know what to do with myself, without her my life is meaningless. I miss her.
