My Princess Lives In My Heart

On September 24th, I had my monthly prenatal appointment. I told the doctor of symptoms I had that I was worried about. My doctor just told me everything was fine. The next day, my baby was born. I went into preterm labor. All my symptoms that I had told my doctor about were early warning signs of Preterm Labor. My water broke early while I was at the doctors office but she didn't check that either. I didn't know my water broke though.. and I didn't know I was in labor until the next day.

It was the scariest, and most horrible situation ever. Not all of it was though, giving birth to my daughter was the most amazing thing that I ever done. She was born that night. My husband handed her to me and said hello to Alana. I was speechless, the first thing I said was "She is so beautiful". And she was, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, so cute. She had my nose, my lips, and my ear, but everything else was her daddy. She was tall, had big little baby feet, knobby knuckley hands just like Daddy. She had the cutest little chubby cheeks. She was moving around, and I was just amazed that she was here and I could see her and touch her. I touched her little nose. My husband put her little hand on my finger, it was so tiny. My heart broke as I realized this would be that only moments that I would have with her, and I wished that it would never end. My husband put her next to my head, and told me to kiss her head and I did, and I told her I love you for the first and last time. I was only able to see and hold her for a few minutes until they took me away to the OR. My husband held her mostly the entire time she was alive while I was in surgery & in recovery, and I'm very thankful for that. I was worried if she might have felt lonely, but at least her daddy was with her. The doctors said that they could not save her because her lungs had not developed yet. She was only 20 weeks and 4 days old (gestation). If she had only been a little older...
The days that followed were emotionally draining. I stayed in the hospital until the next evening. Then had to make funeral arrangements for her for the next few days. My husband and I had her wake and laid her to rest that weekend.

My husband and I had only been married for a few days when she passed. This is going to take forever for me to get over. I miss her everyday. I cry nearly every night because I am waiting her to kick me (she used to kick me a lot at night). I cry every time I think of the first time I saw her. I cry because I was supposed to give her to my husband, I was supposed to give him a child. I feel like I've let him down, though I know he doesn't blame me for it. I miss having her inside me, and I'm going to miss her every day for the rest of my life. I am lonely without her.

I wish my dumb doctor would have paid more attention to my symptoms. I feel so guilty for not having done more, pushed my doctor to do an examination, but I didn't. I put too much trust in her. Now I have to live without my princess. I wanted to have this baby so bad and now I don't even know what to do with myself, without her my life is meaningless. I miss her.

sweetnightmare sweetnightmare
26-30, F
37 Responses Oct 21, 2007

I'm so sorry and I'm glad you have got a second chance. I lost my first child a month after I got married last year, when she was lost in a very early miscarriage and I know what that hole in your heart is like. I feel empty now and should have a nursery set up and my baby in my arms but now she's my Butterfly Angel. You will see your first again, just as I will see mine. God bless and God's Peace in your heart for you. i'm praying for you.

My heart is with you.,my little girl passed away at 3weeks.26 yrs ago,i still try to imagine what she would be like.and my grandaughter,it still hurts but they are always with you<br />
.as a father i cant imagine the pain of your loss,but do understand to you and yours.x

I am so sorry darling, bless your heart! Hugs.

Iam very sorry for your loss i imagine carrying a child and feeling it kick is special some babys are just to good for this world may you and your husband find comfort and peace she is in a much better place may god bless you

Wow This Story Had Me crying like crazy!!!! O Man!!! i was tearing while reading this!!! im sorry for your lost!! Pray to god shes in a better place now...o mg this made me sorry but how you explained it was wow...amazing crazy!..sorry for ur lost .Sometimes things dont go your way

i had the same thing happen 2 me but i was 23 plus 3 days i can totally understand what your going through and don't think im ever going to get over this my heart is with everyone who has been through this as its the most heart breaking thing in the world

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss

Omg... It must have taken a lot to post this, im so sorry to hear about this :(, it must have been heart wrenching. I hope that you have another baby and he or she grows up to be absolutely beautiful, don't give up hope!

You are a brave and wonderful person. i want a child, but getting up in the age. So I don't know if I ever will have a child. but I fear that something will go wrong. You are strong and wise. You didn't let that stop you from having your other sweet bundle of joy. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. <br />
<br />
there is nothing more painful then attending a babies funeral. my cousin lost his baby girl at 4 months. SIDS. And it crushed me to see her. Bless you all. and I hope your marriage is stronger then ever. my cousin and his wife divorced. So its hard all around. Take care and love your daughters like there is no tomorrow.

my sympathies.<br />
I am sure you give your husband many other things♥<br />
Don't feel regret for not giving him a child.<br />
That is only a part of a marriage.<br />
a part that many live without,<br />
but there is always tomorrow.<br />
And if not from yourself, then adoption.<br />
<br />
As for your beautiful little princess,<br />
Clearly she was exposed to the love and<br />
warmth of you and your husband.<br />
But it seems that she just wasn't ready for life yet.<br />
She will always be with you,<br />
as you mentioned.<br />
In your heart♥<br />
<br />
Don't give up♥~~

thank you so much everyone. you are all so wonderful. i miss my daughter more than anything in the world. my little princess is always with me but I do wish she was here. I now have a 1 and a half year old daughter and she is my great pumpkin. i love her immensely but there is still a whole in my heart where my Princess belongs. I miss her so much, I wish she could be with me but I will see her one day. My daughters are my everything, the great loves of my life.

My mother lost her first baby, a year and a half later I came along. All my life, I kept hearing from her how much she missed her first. It hurt to feel so insignificant, since apparently no one could take that child's place in my mother's heart. Today, your story has helped me understand my mother's situation with a little more clarity. Thank you for sharing. I hope your 2nd daughter never has to go through what I did, I hope she always knows of her special place in your heart.

Babies bring with them a form of love unlike others. I am fortunate enough to have four children at varied ages. I read your story and with it went my heart. I feel for you and send you waves of love to find you at your bad times. <br />
For me it happened 5 years ago and I was devastated. I questioned myself, my body, my whole world and what made it happen. I questioned alot in trying to understand. I remember laying awake at night feeling the ache in my chest and wondering if I was ever going to be ok. And wondering whether I was ever going to want to be ok. Because for me after my miscarriage it was hard for me to even want to be better, then I would have to move on, and without my baby. It was one of the most difficult times in my life.<br />
I found solace in nature and nurture it was all I could do to take care of me, so I turned my attention elsewhere to get out of my own way and begin to heal. I donated some of my time at an elderly home. The ladies loved me and helped me immensely. They shared their own stories and helped me fill my time with love and laughter. They helped me to move beyond the pain.<br />
Now I am in no way implying that you should push yourself to much to begin with but try to make some human connections that can help you heal. Maybe some day your expeirience can help someone else. And darlin' no matter what, My grandma always said " what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And the strength you need to survive today is huge honey. hold on to your britches and don't loose hope. <br />
<br />
Sometimes courage isn't the magnanomous roar we expect. Often times it's the small voice at the end of the day that says "I'll try again Tommorrow". <br />
By anonomous. <br />
<br />
One love given to everyone freely!

I know this may be hard, but maybe the time wasn't right, maybe god needed her back sooner than was expected. <br />
<br />
But there is always time and you can always try again, It won't be the same, but you can still give your husband a child. I know it is sad and it is hard, but pulling though is the best thing you can do, I am sure things will be alright in the end.<br />
<br />
Just try and keep a chin up

I totally understand how you feel and I am so sorry you had to go through that. Nobody should have too!

dear sweet mom...i am so very sorry for your loss and i wont be one of those to say ' everything happens for a reason'' bulshit...they say that cuz it makes their pain better.. its what you deal with- the reality of your loss-- and i wont say well at least you got to see her or hold her..i cant offer any wisdom or comfort because i have no idea what your feeling i CANT imagine what i would do with that situation with my daughters..I CANT AT ALL. plz take care of your self dont shut your husband out stay close for the memories of her dont let this tradgedy break what created a life you love / loved so wish and hope for you...

She will be reborn.

i know how you feel love and if you want to talk please dont hesitate to message me you will treasure what little time you had forever

Wow that's really heart wrenching I'm speechless I just really want to hold you

I am so sorry for your lose. Your words are lovely and I can feel your heart ache being a mother myself. I prey for you to be able to but her nicely in your heart and not to feel guity in any way. She brought you love and you now can keep an dcherish that for all days to come. Know that Alana will always be with you.

You are beautiful and strong. I'm glad that you shared this experience with the world and that you were strong enough to do so. <br />
<br />
Peace<br />
<br />
God bless you<br />
<br />
Namaste<br />
<br />

i know how u feel..though i've never had a child i want to have one so badly.i can understand ur feelings coz i've recently lost a child i'v loved as if my own.just don't lose hope.God bless u dear..

im so sorry to here about your princess. <br />
she must have been so tiny. And you are so brave, so so brave my lovely and stay strong because she is always with you. And she will always be your princess. <br />
Take care<br />

I am so sorry to hear about this and will be praying for you.

Heart breaking. I know our words provide little solace; BUT your sadness and grief has touched us all. I can't begin to imagine the pain you feel. I wish you much love and happiness. From loss myself; I know the pain never truly goes away; BUT the time has a way of numbing it. I wish you health, happiness and love.

thank you everyone and thank you to everyone who has shared how pregnancy and infant loss has effected your own lives.

It takes alot to make ME cry...and at this moment my eyes are lets say,a little damp... I am so sorry for Alana.And you.And your husband.If I had the power to make people come back to life,and make them healthy again,I would come and bring her back as fast as I could,but

It takes alot to make ME cry...and at this moment my eyes are lets say,a little damp... I am so sorry for Alana.And you.And your husband.If I had the power to make people come back to life,and make them healthy again,I would come and bring her back as fast as I could,but



omg my birthday is september 24. i feel that your baby is safe in god's arms. i feel so sad for you. it has to be the wost pain anyone can feel to loose a child. i feel that you will have another baby and it will live.

im so sorry for your mom lost one boy and my aunt lost 2 boys

thank you, sweetnightmare, for sharing your story. i dont think i will ever forget this one. i nearly cried when i read it. <br />
i am really sorry for your loss. it takes a long time to heal a wound like that. please take it easy, and maybe somedy, it will be okay. not perfect, but good eough. <br />
<br />
dont blame yourself for everything.God works in mysterious ways.<br />
<br />
<br />
Lots of love,<br />
<br />
mistaken.<br />
<br />
lots of l

Sweetnightmare<br />
<br />
I am sending you love and a big hug, i went thru something similarg 6 years ago now and whilst i know that it will be of no comfort to you now, things do get easier with time, you learn to let go of the pain and to be truly happy again without everything being tinged withthe sadness that is in your heart just now, rest take it easy and cry as hard as you want for as long as you want and one day you will wake up and feel okay.<br />
<br />
Love and many hugs Clara XX

Your story brought tears to my eyes... there is no harder battle on earth than the ones we have with ourselves. You need to know that there is no fault on your part!!! Your body, for whatever reason, was ready. Our minds often have no control over what our body is up to. I wish I could com give you the BIGGEST hug and help you melt your pain away. Please keep your chin up, and know that you and your husband will prevail over time. You little one will always be watching you, so BE GOOD : )

I know how you feel, I lost my son when I was 19 1/2 weeks.<br />
Pregnant I also had symptoms that I told my doctor about, and he also told me (like your doctor told you) there's nothing to worry about. My last checkup I discovered my baby was dead, I was devastated. I have 2 other sons and never thought that I would not have this one. I know what you mean when you say you don't know what to do with your self and you want so bad to know what went wrong. I want you to know there is hope, if you are a child of god, you will see your baby again. God tells us this in his word. Just don't give up hope. God is our strength I know that he has carried me though this and he will carry you to. You will be in my thoughts and prays.

i am so sorry to hear about your loss. <br />
please try not to blame yourself. you didn't have the training to put more signifigance to your symptoms. even in her short life, every experience your baby had of you and your husband was a loving one. i'm sure she knew that she was loved and knows that she is loved.

This story is very touching, i am very sorry for the loss of your child, she must've been a beautiful baby with those beautiful words of yours...Never put the blame on yourself though, life has many weird ways of how it works...Everything Happens for a reason .. if you ever need to talk to someone, dont mind writing to me =]