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Lost My Faith

Where to begin?   I didn't grow up in a Christian home.  As a matter of fact I grew up neglected and abused in an alcoholic household.  At 18 I became a Christian and at 27 or 28 I began to seek Him wholeheartedly.  I spent hours reading the Bible, praying, fellowshipping, and did the whole religious thing.  In my early-mid thirties I found myself angrier and more frustrated than I had ever been, and said to God, "If this is what the Christian life is... I don't want it."  At that time he brought this friend into my life (Amy).  Amy was also disappointed with her walk and trying to find the REAL God.  So we became spiritual sisters and prayed constantly and read dozens and dozens of Christian biographies and books written by the greats of the faith, the Bible, and great Bible studies searching for the deeper  life, the abundant life.
That was 8 or 9 years ago.  I prayed to know Him better, to love Him, to know Him as Father, etc. and I find myself today soooo bitter and disappointed.  He has not answered any of those prayers for me.  I am a military spouse who moved with her family to southern VA due to change of duty station for husband (9th time).  As soon as we know we'll be moving, I've always prayed that the Lord will help us to find a church, good schools for the kids, a good house in a safe neighborhood, friends, etc.  Why doesn't he answer those prayers.  I've been here for 3 years and I totally feel like God brought us here to throw us away.  We lost our last home even though we prayed that it would sell.  We had poured thousands of dollars from our savings to fix it up to try to get at least what we owed on it on the market, but it sat vacant for about 8 months.  We decided to rent to a lady who was getting a divorce.  The husband said he wanted the children to be in a safe neighborhood and go to a good school.  She ended up becoming a meth addict and stopped paying rent and destroyed our place.  We had to pay thousands of dollars to a lawyer and have her evicted.  We had no money left to fix our house.  The only job I could find in this area was teaching at a private Christian school (I'm a teacher) for $19,000 a year.  Then the school closed and I was unemployed for 9 months.  All the while I'm praying to know his will, cannot find a church here, cannot find friends, and my husband develops a back condition.  He deployed to Afghanistan 2 years ago and they sent him back due to his back.  The Army said that they wouldn't do surgery because there are no guarantees and he has 3 different back conditions.  Fixing one might make the others intollerable.  So in their incredible wisdom, the doctors started prescribing pain pills such as Morphine, Oxycontin, Valium, Percocet, Vicodin, ETC.  Needless to say, he became an addict.  So for 2 years I have been dealing with a man who is not there, and I am bitter and angry about it, especially because my father was a drunk and seeing my husband drooling and slobbering all over the place pushes ALL the wrong buttons. 
So here I am in So. VA.  Wanting like crazy to be loved by this God who has thrown me away.  I still long for Him, but cannot go to church anymore and swallow any of that old religion.  I don't know what to do.  Praying doesn't help.  How do I find Him?  How do I get  Him to care and love me?  I just want to be loved by Him.  I still pray, when I can muster the words.  Mostly I cry. 
wild4hummies wild4hummies 41-45 4 Responses Aug 10, 2010

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You have to remind yourself-that God's way's are not are way's and his will for us,is quite diffrent then we think it should be. Prayer is important but so is staying in God's word. The
only way to know what he exspects of us is to stay in the word(Bible). Sometimes we
need to discern if were doing things out of our own desires,or if it matches his will for us.
Sometimes we get tested like Jobe. "Why" because he wants to see if you only love him
when you get what you want,what about those hardships we encounter-are we gonna give up on him the moment things dont turn out the way we exspect them to? Or are we gonna remain faithful that he has better things instore for us. See he knows our hearts and intentions before we even ask. And sometimes we maybe asking for something more harmful then good. Because we cant see into the future,but yet he can. He does it
because he loves us. Just like Jobe lost the first and could not see it possibly getting any better. God turned it around and blessed his life twice as much. God does not do things
in are time or by are commands. But he knows who will be faithful to him.
God loves each and everyone he created-but not everyone will allow themselves to truely
see that. He gave every human life the ability to repent from fleshly sin. See theres a difference between knowing of Jesus-hearing who he is & repenting from sin. To repent
is saying I have done wrong and not followed after the commandments that God established nor his law. He gave his only begotten Son-Jesus who came as a man
upon this earth and died on that cross for all are sins. When you call upon him and repent
he washes away that sin and it's never to remembered of again,all he ask is you dont go
back to them old ways. see when you except him-your more less considered as a form
of death(dieing to sin)when you except him that's baptism,then you recieve the Holy
Spirit Which will guide you and teach you(You then are considered(Born again).
Those that do not get saved die in the flesh and not have recieved the Holy spirit,because
they deny Christ the only one who can save there soul. This is exsplained in Romans
and Hebrews and various places in the New Testament. Dont know if i helped you out
any. But I hope things get better for you,hang in there :)

God has a plan for YOUR life. Earth has a lot of evil people in it (it's not supposed to be heaven).<br />
God tells you in His word that you WILL have troubles and trial on this earth. Suffering (if you accept it with the right attitude) builds character and strengthens faith. God answers prayers in HIS way and HIS timing - not ours and that's why His Word says "patience is a virtue". If we are to be conformed to the image of Christ then suffering MUST be included. Just as God had a purpose and a plan and a time for Christ's birth, life, death, burial and resurrection so he has a plan for each of us. Has not Christ died for you and forgiven you of YOUR sins, how are you going to pretend to follow Christ and refuse to forgive others? "Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die".<br />
He does not instruct us that we have to FEEL LIKE forgiving and we are in no way condoning the wrongs done to us by others, but in order to be a true follower of Christ, you have to CHOOSE to forgive.<br />
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I've been through much suffering in this life and I was brought to the point to where I could run and let go of my faith in God, or I could stay and learn to TRUST God. I chose to stay where God had ALLOWED (not caused) me to be placed. My faith was increased ten fold and is worth more than "gold or rubies" to me. I have been with him 30 years now and I can testify that He has been faithful to me even when I have not been. HE HAS NEVER EVER LET ME DOWN and proven Romans 8:28 to me personally. He has taken the evil that has happened in my life and worked it for my good and His glory.<br />
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You must hang on and do things God's way - I promise you that you will never regret it!

I'm so sorry Wild. I don't know what to say that will make you feel better. I have learned that whether is a God or not, He/She can't force anyone to stop or start doing anything.<br />
That's all the wisdom I have. You sound like a good lady. Keep your head up and do whatever you have to.

Don't give up!