Lost My FaithWhere to begin? I didn't grow up in a Christian home. As a matter of fact I grew up neglected and abused in an alcoholic household. At 18 I became a Christian and at 27 or 28 I began to seek Him wholeheartedly. I spent hours reading the Bible, praying, fellowshipping, and did the whole religious thing. In my early-mid thirties I found myself angrier and more frustrated than I had ever been, and said to God, "If this is what the Christian life is... I don't want it." At that time he brought this friend into my life (Amy). Amy was also disappointed with her walk and trying to find the REAL God. So we became spiritual sisters and prayed constantly and read dozens and dozens of Christian biographies and books written by the greats of the faith, the Bible, and great Bible studies searching for the deeper life, the abundant life.
That was 8 or 9 years ago. I prayed to know Him better, to love Him, to know Him as Father, etc. and I find myself today soooo bitter and disappointed. He has not answered any of those prayers for me. I am a military spouse who moved with her family to southern VA due to change of duty station for husband (9th time). As soon as we know we'll be moving, I've always prayed that the Lord will help us to find a church, good schools for the kids, a good house in a safe neighborhood, friends, etc. Why doesn't he answer those prayers. I've been here for 3 years and I totally feel like God brought us here to throw us away. We lost our last home even though we prayed that it would sell. We had poured thousands of dollars from our savings to fix it up to try to get at least what we owed on it on the market, but it sat vacant for about 8 months. We decided to rent to a lady who was getting a divorce. The husband said he wanted the children to be in a safe neighborhood and go to a good school. She ended up becoming a meth addict and stopped paying rent and destroyed our place. We had to pay thousands of dollars to a lawyer and have her evicted. We had no money left to fix our house. The only job I could find in this area was teaching at a private Christian school (I'm a teacher) for $19,000 a year. Then the school closed and I was unemployed for 9 months. All the while I'm praying to know his will, cannot find a church here, cannot find friends, and my husband develops a back condition. He deployed to Afghanistan 2 years ago and they sent him back due to his back. The Army said that they wouldn't do surgery because there are no guarantees and he has 3 different back conditions. Fixing one might make the others intollerable. So in their incredible wisdom, the doctors started prescribing pain pills such as Morphine, Oxycontin, Valium, Percocet, Vicodin, ETC. Needless to say, he became an addict. So for 2 years I have been dealing with a man who is not there, and I am bitter and angry about it, especially because my father was a drunk and seeing my husband drooling and slobbering all over the place pushes ALL the wrong buttons.
So here I am in So. VA. Wanting like crazy to be loved by this God who has thrown me away. I still long for Him, but cannot go to church anymore and swallow any of that old religion. I don't know what to do. Praying doesn't help. How do I find Him? How do I get Him to care and love me? I just want to be loved by Him. I still pray, when I can muster the words. Mostly I cry.