My waivering Faith In God

As a child,I remember being raised to have faith in and trust god. And because thats what my mom believed,so did I. I was also taught that god would never leave you,and always protect you. Lol I often heard my grandparents say that god protected fools and babies. I truly believed this. God was always gonna protect me.
Then at the age of 5 a series of bad events began to happen. My older cousin (2 years older than me)began to touch my private areas when we played in the basement. He would pull out his penis and tell me tell me to suck on it,as have sex with me. He even brought two friends over and had them do the same to me. I was never taught otherwise this was wrong,but I know it wasen' t,you know?
Finally when I was 6 almost 7,we moved to NJ with my aunt,and I thought it was over. But it wasen't. My 16 year old cousin started doing the same thing to me. I cried and begged him not too,because it was big and I was little,but he said don't worry I'm only gonna put it in a little bit. I prayed evertime it happened asking god to help me. It continued until I was almost 8. To this day I never understood how my mom or aunt didn't notice that something was seriously wrong. But my other cousin,his older brother never left me alone with him when he was home. I realized he knew,but never said anything,just protected me when he could.
So we move again,everything was going good,I was ok. Mom was dating a nice guy,this family was nice to me. Life seemed to be getting on track. Until I met moms boyfriends nephew. Which he was a registered sex offender at the age of 13,he sexually molested and raped his own little sister. His parents turned their back on him,and the grandparents ended up raising him. And the deep part is,my mom was warned about this but left me with them while she went to work,thinking they would protect me. Long story the first moment they slipped up,he started molesting and raping me as well. I just didn't understand,that if god loved me so much,why did this keep happening,throuhout my childhood?
Finally something good happened,my grandparents retired,and I when to live with them. They portected me,and balance began to be restored.My mom moved back to philly,moved three blocks away,so everything was perfect. Then once again it happened. I was 11,mom was at work,her boyfriend at the time whom had acted like a father to me that decided to put his fingers in my vagina,and rub on my breast. He told me to never tell,or people would be mad and I would get in trouble. Next thing I know,they broke up. Thus the sexual abuse never happened again. But where was god from the ages of 5-11, when my childhood had been destroyed? I still to this day never understood.
A year later,mom got married,and this time I got physically abused. He husband would beat me just because he could,and when I asked her why she would let him do that,she would beat me too. She must have put me out 1000 times because her husband was more important than me.I ended up moving with my dad at 13 only to be abused by his wife. I still prayed,and started to believe that I was bad,and this is what I deserved. I never talked about the sexual abuse to my parents until I was 18. And so broken,but I still believed god had plan for me.
At 22 even with being sexually abused at a young age,I somehow had the opportunity to give birth to the most amazing most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen. I vowed to always pay attention to her. I figured she was my gift,after a horrible childhood,god gave her to me. My fresh start.
Since having my baby,I kept god close,worshiped and prayed. We ended up becoming homeless,living place to place. I still trusted god. Finally we moved to NY with my mom. A month later she put me out again,ended up in two different shelters with my child. Finally got a place of my mom. I let my mom moved in which was supposed to be for two weeks. Ended up being two years rent free,because I couldnt afford the $1000 to evict her. She wouldnt watch my daughter either. It was hell. Finally I moved without my mom.Had to move because they kept raising the rent.
Got a great paying job,where I was disrespected everyday,no matter how hard I worked. Moved into my now house,3 1/2 years after being at my job. Went to philly to visit family,came home to a burned up house,losing everything we had. We ended up in a hotel. I ran out of money. Ended up having to send my baby back to philly to live with her dad. Came back to work,and they fired me. I just prayed.
That was two years ago. Since then I've moved back to philly, been in a horrible relationship when he drained me dry. I put in thousands of applications,still no job. My unemployment ran out. My daughter is still with her dad,because I can't take care of her. I havent seen her in the 5 months since my unemployment was cut off,we talk everyday. A I cry everytime we hang up. She will be 11 this summer,and I'm missing out on so much. She says she understands,but how can she really. Its only because of her that I have not killed myself. I just keep believing this will all get better. And today is mothers day,which shes not here,so Im just gonna keep the banket over my head and cry. I suck as a mom right now. I that myself for not figuring out a way already to makes everything right.I don't eat most days,maybe once a week. If I can get something,usually a small bag of chips. Im living with family,the house is piled up with trash. Plumbing is messed up,bugs and mice everywhere.
I just woke up today and decided,that I'm done praying. God is not changing anything anyway. My whole life that been crap. I always trusted god,through it all. But with hard when all I have been praying for is food to eat everyday,a good job to get another place for my daughter and I. And to do gods will. But I just dont care anymore. If god wanted me to not lose faith he would have changed my situation. Better yet,he would have protected me from getting raped for years,having horrible relationships with my parents,a ton of horrible relationships when I give my all only to be heart broken over and over again. If this is what gods plans for my life is,I'm good. I can't stop crying,I just want to get my daughter back,and be Happy. Thats not asking. And if god is there he def hates me. More and more everyday. And I'm not that fond of him anymore either. How can I be,nothing but hurt and pain all my life....
LadyTYM1 LadyTYM1
31-35, F
4 Responses May 13, 2012

Naked I came out of my mother's womb and naked I return. Helpless I came and helpless I go. Helpless I am now. And we do not know [the goal]. It is terrible for us to think about it. We get such odd ideas! We go to a medium and see if the ghost can help us. Think of the weakness! Ghosts, devils, gods, anybody — come on! And all the priests, all the charlatans! That is just the time they get hold of us, the moment we are weak. Then they bring in all the gods.<br />
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I see in my country a man becomes strong, educated, becomes a philosopher, and says, "All this praying and bathing is nonsense." ... The man's father dies, and his mother dies. That is the most terrible shock a Hindu can have. You will find him bathing in every dirty pool, going into the temple, licking the dust. ... Help anyone! But we are helpless. There is no help from anyone. That is the truth. There have been more gods than human beings; and yet no help. We die like dogs — no help. Everywhere beastliness, famine, disease, misery, evil! And all are crying for help. But no help. And yet, hoping against hope, we are still screaming for help. Oh, the miserable condition! Oh, the terror of it! Look into your own heart! One half of [the trouble] is not our fault, but the fault of our parents. Born with this weakness, more and more of it was put into our heads. Step by step we go beyond it.<br />
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It is a tremendous error to feel helpless. Do not seek help from anyone. We are our own help. If we cannot help ourselves, there is none to help us. ... "Thou thyself art thy only friend, thou thyself thy only enemy. There is no other enemy but this self of mine, no other friend but myself." This is the last and greatest lesson, and Oh, what a time it takes to learn it! We seem to get hold of it, and the next moment the old wave comes. The backbone breaks. We weaken and again grasp for that superstition and help. Just think of that huge mass of misery, and all caused by this false idea of going to seek for help!<br />
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Possibly the priest says his routine words and expects something. Sixty thousand people look to the skies and pray and pay the priest. Month after month they still look, still pay and pray. ... Think of that! Is it not lunacy? What else is it? Who is responsible? You may preach religion, but to excite the minds of undeveloped children... ! You will have to suffer for that. In your heart of hearts, what are you? For every weakening thought you have put into anybody's head you will have to pay with compound interest. The law of Karma must have its pound of flesh. ...<br />
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There is only one sin. That is weakness. When I was a boy I read Milton's Paradise Lost. The only good man I had any respect for was Satan. The only saint is that soul that never weakens, faces everything, and determines to die game.<br />
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Stand up and die game! ... Do not add one lunacy to another. Do not add your weakness to the evil that is going to come. That is all I have to say to the world. Be strong! ... You talk of ghosts and devils. We are the living devils. The sign of life is strength and growth. The sign of death is weakness. Whatever is weak, avoid! It is death. If it is strength, go down into hell and get hold of it! There is salvation only for the brave. "None but the brave deserves the fair." None but the bravest deserves salvation. Whose hell? Whose torture? Whose sin? Whose weakness? Whose death? Whose disease?<br />
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http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/The_Complete_Works_of_Swami_Vivekananda/Volume_1/Lectures_And_Discourses/The_Gita_III

I didn't ignore your sexual abuse. That is sin. That is fact and cannot be changed. All sin is wrong and damaging and I am sorry that you are and will no doubt continue to deal with that. From my view your child is about #3 on your list, exactly where he or she should be. The problem you have is #1 & #2...God and your relationship with Jesus Christ is #1, because apart from him you can do nothing. Until you are married you should be #2, because if Mom ain't healthy mind, body and spirit, your child isn't going to be so either. So If you would help me understand....What have you given to God today?...time first, money second?...if your answer is I don't have either,....you would be wrong. Lastly I never called you a sinner. The Bible calls and is correct that you and I right now are sinners. Only some are saved by his grace. When you are saved, that is when you start living.

There is so much you left out of your story. God loves you... Have you done everything you could do with the blessings God gave you? You spoke of your child before your husband. God will usually give a godly man to a woman who seeks the Lord first and does not settle for an unrightous man. Also you mentioned you received money while in between jobs. Have you used this time to better yourself or get more education/ training? God does not hate you. The abuse, the...SIN is the thing to be hated. <br />
God loves you.<br />
God

First of all I love the way how you ignored all the sexual abuse. Children should never have to deal with that.And yes my child is first,I dont have a husband,thats not even on my mind right now. And God that not given me can financial blessing in years,just struggle. I guess your life is sin free

I know a lot of sinners who are living in comfort,so unless you can explain the actions God allowed to happen to me as a kid, keep your comments to yourself,because your not helping

I'm sorry. God hates me too.

I'm. sorry too,hugs