I Miss My Family, And Dread The Future

It hasnt been 3 years now that I lost my mother to her battle with brain cancer. My grandmother soon followed, she could not take it that her daughter went before her. She got hit by a car when she was wearing black at night and I think she wanted it that way. Soon my father died from ALS, a terrible disorder which turned him from the strong and committed family man, to a frightened soul before his death, which was hard for me because i took care of him without any help from his family who stayed back in Iran and didnt come to help me.

Then my brother who at this point got into Heroin, died of overdose a couple hours before I came to bring him tea and make up with him, because I lovd him so much and didnt want to fight anymore (we fought alot because I wanted him off the drugs). That day will never be erased from my memory. I snuck in through his window only to see him lying on his bed with a fly on his face. It was terrible. I started screaming and carrying his body out the house waiting for the ambulance, hoping it would be like the other 5 times he overdosed and he could be revived, but no, not this time. Now im all alone. My uncle who lives close to me is in such depression that I cannot talk to him about these things because it makes him upset and he thinks im weak minded. My aunt who is going through hell being a single mom still misses her sister (my mother) and she only calls me to tell me her misery everyday, sometimes crying to me about the world, and I dont know what to tell her sometimes to make her feel better. Im tired of this bullshit life and sometimes I just want to pack my bags and disappear.

I fear death yet I think about it most of the day. I come from a country where death surrounded my family and they hid it from me until I was older to discover the murders of my many family members by my government. But now life has murdered my family in America. I used to have all these dreams with my father, of opening a hospital or school and naming it after my mother who had died at that time. I wanted to hold my brothers children and have them call me uncle. I wanted to buy a house for my grandmother, and teach her English. I'll never do these things anymore. I like playing the piano because it was the only time that I drew tears of joy from my mother's eyes because she loved the way I played for her. But I've lost that ability too. I actually miss the time that my brother stabbed me and he came later to the hospital to apologize and we made up in tears. I miss my father rolling up to my bed in his wheelchair and saying he would kiss my feet. I miss taking him to the pool, showering him, making him food, and talking him to sleep.

Is there an answer to all this? I dont think so. I want to get married and name my children after my fallen brother, my mother and father. But what woman will be ok with that? Will she think im crazy when I tell her my crazy desires? I dont know. Im 25 years old, and up to this day feel like I havent accomplished anything in my life. But I feel abit better after typing all this down. God bless everyone who has lost a loved one. Im sorry if I sound like a pathetic person, but I just wanted to share my story.
arjangjameh arjangjameh
1 Response Jul 26, 2010

I lost my whole family too my only aunt and uncle to..mom..dad..grandpa.. And I just wish I could die too. I'm only 17.