I Have Lost My Joy

Where Did It Go?

By: autimom

Written on December 17th, 2008

I have a degree from a highly respected culinary school. Cooking has been a huge part of who I am for over half my life, now. I've always loved it. It has always brought me a lot of pleasure, creating great food, and especially sharing it with the ones I love. I absolutely love to cook for the man I am in love with. It is even more rewarding when he appreciates good food, and knows the difference between something I have worked hard on and something out of a box, or frozen.

As my marriage became increasingly miserable, I cooked less and less. For the last 6 months of it, I rarely cooked and he stopped expecting me to. I filled my grocery cart with things he could easily fix himself--hot dogs, frozen foods, canned soup. Sometimes I'd think I felt the urge to cook, and I'd buy things only to watch them rot in the refrigerator before I ever did anything with them. For some reason, I just couldn't do it.

I cook for a living, and I always have. Now I have my own business, and I sell a specific product. I love my work, and I rarely miss the hustle and bustle of a busy commercial kitchen. Professionally, I'm fine with where I am. It works for many reasons, one of which is it allows me to be with my children all the time. I do wonder if I'll ever rediscover my love for creating food.

Now that I find myself living basically alone, not even having my children here but 4 or 5 days a week, I still feel lost when it comes to what to cook. I have been living on peanut butter and Lean Cuisine's for the better part of a year now. I walk up and down the grocery store not having a clue what to put in my cart. It feels stupid to cook for just myself, even if I ever manage to rediscover my joy for cooking.

It is a big part of who I am. I don't expect everyone to understand, but some will. I wait for my heart to heal, the fog to clear from my brain, and to feel like "me" again. In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with peanut butter sandwiches. I will say, if I ever see another Lean Cuisine again it will be too soon.

By: autimom

Age: 31-35 , Female

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16 responses

haydenrules

I LOVE cooking new recipes and especially food for my loved ones that brings them enjoyment. I try not to do that anymore as it is too much work and I choose not to be around food much. And I too dislike the busyness of a commercial kitchen. I have worked in fast food before and it was the hardest job on Earth for me. I get easily overwhelmed and confused and I am not a fast person. Once some ******* customer told me, "You take the fast out of fast food." lol... I found it amusing

Feb 9, 2009
1 like
aprilrose

At 58, I have only seriously started cooking this year. It is adult fun in the "G"rated sense. My wife is a very good cook, but after years of it, is just as happy to supervise. I know what you mean about cooking for those you love. I feel a little glow of pride when she tells me something I've made is good. This christmas I will be making a lasagna for the whole family, including my mother and my father in law. I'm a little nervous. I hope you can recapture your creative joy in in this generous art, but if not, well, everything has its season. Perhaps you will find another outlet for your creative nature.

Dec 17, 2008
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aqua59

You can "cook" for me anytime!

Dec 17, 2008
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autimom

I love to share my cooking with everyone, but the ******* are usually more of a private, one on one thing. Like a personal chef. :)

Dec 17, 2008
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aqua59

A cookbook title? The ****** of Coooking? The Orgasmic Gourmet?

Dec 17, 2008
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mortal

Just don't tell him when "It's on!"

Dec 17, 2008
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autimom

I'll have to pass on that one. What if my dad were watching? Eww.

Dec 17, 2008
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aqua59

A new cooking show perhaps? Brings a whole new twist to "BAM"

Dec 17, 2008
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autimom

******* and cooking, two of my most favorite things. Not simultaneously, however.

Dec 17, 2008
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aqua59

LOL! Self-stimulated ****** and cooking...brings all sorts of images to mind...

Had not thought about combing the two...

Dec 17, 2008
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autimom

I have just misplaced all my passion for cooking, period. I'm sure it is depression, and the ending of my marriage and so on.

I'm hoping it will return, along with my ability to produce a self-stimulated ******,...but THAT is a story in its own right, but probably won't be written!

Dec 17, 2008
1 like
aqua59

How about cooking for what you love about cooking? While you wrote that you get no joy in cooking for yourself, you could cook for yourself while experimenting. Create new recipes. Combine cuisine. Find something or someone you can share you talents with.

Heck, post your culinary creations here for all to enjoy!

Search and you will find it my dear.

Dec 17, 2008
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autimom

Thanks, guys.

Sara--you totally get it! There is nothing like it, feeding the ones you love meals you prepared for them--good food, and watching them appreciate it.

Dec 17, 2008
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SaratogaGirl

Oh Autimom, I can feel what you are going through! I really can. I have a feeling though that when you find someone to love again that you will want to cook for that person. My lover lived on salads, yogurt and Lean Cuisines... she eats the meals I cook for her with such obvious love, joy and appreciation that it is a magical time for me! I just LOVE cooking for her because of this... but during the week when we are apart, I find myself buying frozen cooked chicken breasts and pot pies... cooking for myself is just not fun. So really... once you find one kind of love again I'll be you'll find your other loves come back.

Dec 17, 2008
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fallentower

There will be day when you can cook for the one you love again. It may not be soon enough for you, but I'm also sure it won't be too long, either. :-)

Dec 17, 2008
1 like
penguinswon

I have some ideas:-)

Dec 17, 2008
1 like

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