Untraditional

  My Mother is living and breathing. I did not "traditionally" lose her as some may think when seeing "I have lost my Mom". I have lost her in contact. She sits two and a half hours east of my school, alone. This eats at my heart everyday knowing that she will not even acknowledge a phone call from me. In the beginning I thought the fight was all her, she told me not to come home because she wanted a good ****, she told me to move to school by myself, she told me I choose her last when I chose her first everyday. She was my best friend and I was the only one on her side. Thursday, it was her birthday. I built the guts up for days trying to convince myself to give in and call. I did, she did not answer, she did not call back. I have not spoken to her since August 2009. On to my fault, I ignored her calls because of my selfish anger, my tiredness, my own insecurities. She has a mental illness, she refuses to get it diagnosed. My uneducated guess is depression, anxiety, and compressed feelings from bad life experiences. I should not ignore and drive her deeper, I should help her. She can be great, but she can also be absolutely terrible and frightening. She has damaged me in my own way and I find it so easily to blame her instead of thinking of the great things she bestowed upon me. I have no clue where to go from here, everything seems to be uncontrollable and childish. I'm  transferring schools next year to another state and she has no idea. I have a whole year of my life that she does not know a thing about. I try to see into her life but all I can find out is that our house is for sale. She won't talk to my siblings either. I'm tired of feeling this way. 

tvr7625 tvr7625
18-21, F
Mar 8, 2010