I Guess I Hide It Well

Her name was Mary. She used to babysit my cousin and I almost from birth. She married my nino when we were young. She cooked for us. She played with us. She took care of us. She loved us. She had stomach cancer. She fought it. She died the week before my high school graduation. I only cried twice.

No one at my school knew that my nina had died, no one had any idea how it tore me up inside. Most of the family thought that out of me and my cousin, he was the one who was more hurt by her death. They were wrong. He got to spend evey day, monday thru friday, with her. Because of my moms job and because my dad hated my moms family and "forbid" us from seeing them, I only go to see two times a year, if that.

The day we found out I walked into my cousins house and saw the tears in his eyes and his girlfriend/my best friend came up to me and tried to hug me. I bearly heard him say the words through tearing sobs. My heart sank, throat went dry, legs limp. We went to my nino's house and it felt wrong; my nina wasn't there to greet us at the door with her sweet, too low voice, almost sing the words "buenos dias". We walked into the parlor, my cousin in between me and his gf. He gave my hand a knowing/understanding squeez as we heard her daughter's screaming and crying and he felt my resistance at entering the room. The rest of the night, still vivd to me after two years, would just be too much for me to go through again.

 That night I went home so unsure if I should tell my dad what happened. My mom said I probably shouldn't, but I did. All he could say was that she "had it coming". That is what sent me over the edge. How could he say that about this woman who for years was like my second mother? I cursed him out, flipped him off, and told him I was no longer his duaghter. With all that I still went to school and put on a smile like everyone eles and chitted away about the few days we had leaft before graduation.

We went through all the procedures; the rosarry and the wake, the funeral was the week after my graduation and the week before my cousins. The morning after my Grad-Nite and a few hours before my graduation I called my mom and through pain filled, heart breaking tears I begged then demanded that she tell her husband/my "father" that he couldn't go to my graduation if Mary couldn't go. She understod my pain and just let me yell and cry over the phone till I feel to the floor and struggled to breath. I walked my graduation that night and wore my smile that everybody loves so much, I shooke hands, I took hugs, gave wishes of long, healthy, and joyous futures to everyone; no one knew.

It has been two years and I avaoided talking about it till now. A guy in one of my classes was addressing the class about a cancer support group and an event they were organizing. I took a flyer from him and shyly glanced over at my friend (the one who was there that night) and I saw the faintest look of sadness on her face as she looked at me. I don't know if I'll go to the event. I don't know if I can handle it.


netgurl netgurl
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 16, 2009

Maybe I am in the wrong group since we were married 69 years. I have been a widow for two months, two days, and 3 and a half hours. So far I am having trouble grieving, since my loved one was so tired of his asbestos-caused illness.

I think you should go mary would want you to be at peace with what happened. My first husband died with a brain tumer 19yrs ago yesterday and i wish i had something like that to go to other people will be there that understands how you feel and i believe talking can help . xx