Lost My Mother From Lung Cancer

It's the worst feeling in the world. Mom was diagnosed w/ stage 4 lung cancer in April 2009 and passed away November 14 2009.  I spent all the time I could with her and we still had the best talks up until 4 days before she passed. It was the absolute worst thing I have ever been through-- watching someone so independent become dependent on her husband & her only daughter, me for the last few fighting days of her life. She became very very weak and in pain through the last few days until she was in a trans like state only breathing on her oxygen tube. The breaths got shorter as I sat by her side for over 20 hours until she took her last breath around 3am on a Saturday. Me, my aunt & my dad were by her side when it happened.  I was in a zombie like state for the next hour while the hospice people came and the funeral home came and took her away. Dad and I only got about 3 hours of sleep that morning and woke to a completely changed life for both of us.  The next two weeks were a blurr and I would have never gotten through it without all my family and friends by our sides. Dad visits her grave every week, whereas I've only been 3 times in 3 months-- I rather have my memories of her and pretend to talk to her in my own apartment and not face the actual graveyard.  It is super difficult to think about how life is so short and how nothing really matters in this world except having a deep relationship with Jesus and continuing to pray every day. The past month has been healing- I am moving back in with dad for money reasons and to also be with him in our huge house mom built. I think it will help both of us not living alone for a few months.  I am very grateful for my family and honestly can say that last year was the worst year of my life.  I would love to talk to anyone else who has experienced this-- I sometimes hate facing it, I rather just think of different things then actually face the fact that she is gone.

dentongirl dentongirl
22-25, F
2 Responses Feb 23, 2010

First of all, I'm so sorry for your less. I know exactly what you are going thru; I lost my father to lung cancer last year in April. Every thing you described is exactly what I am feeling too. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things, and losing them to a disease like cancer is even harder. All I can say is that time really does heal all wounds. It helps to talk to people that have been thru similar situations, people that can relate. I've also been blessed w/very supportive friends, without them it would have made this much harder. It helps to talk about it rather then suppress it. It is very hard to face, believe me but the sooner you do the easier it will be to handle the loss. My mother and I talk about my dad often and just remember the good times. We do go to the cemetary every week as well; I find that it helps at least for me. Every one however is different and you need to do whatever helps you cope best. I wish you the best on your journey and remember, there is no hand book to grief. We just have to let what comes, come and just know that one day the pain will ease and you will feel peace. I'm not there yet, but I know I will be and you will too.

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your mother were very close. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been to let her go. My seven year old always says "Mom if you die you will always be in my heart". It's shocking to hear her say such things but it is pretty wise for a seven year old. I think no matter how old you are that will always be true. Best wishes to you.