Understanding Myself - The Greatest Challenge

Let's say I have two options to chose from, one of which will have a good outcome for me, the other will not. Surprisingly I can't stop myself from choosing the one that won't. I can't stop myself from doing this, and no matter how much I want my life to become less chaotic, making the wrong choices is like... necessary.
I was in one of the top schools worldwide, but I didn't like the way things worked there. Instead of sucking it up and finishing my last year of high school, I decided to never return to that school again, and from that day on, I never went back there. My parents were furious because of all the money they had wasted, I blamed it on them. My mother cries, I tell her she deserves it. I don't like my step-father, so I methodically go around breaking/stealing anything that belongs to him. I decided to take drugs over staying clean, getting drunk instead of staying sober. Staying outside all night in the snow under-dressed instead of my warm bead, stealing a car instead of waiting for the bus, etc... All of this started a few years ago, round about the age of 13-14, gradually getting worse as the years went along. As I started writing my own lyrics for songs, I started to realize what I was doing to myself. I was literally being my own enemy. Doing the opposite of what I should makes my life so chaotic that I have regular breakdowns, one of which has ended up in an interrogation room at the police station. It is only when I start to cry that I feel some kind of relief, and that I see the impact all of the wrong decisions that I made,
Why would my brain want to sabotage itself?
I just don't know what to do because as soon as I decide to move on and do something good with my life, I put some impossible challenge in front of myself.
For the first time tonight, I couldn't cry, I couldn't let go. I was so depressed and frustrated that I needed tears to start rolling off my cheeks but nothing came, no relief. As I left the police station, I felt completely lost, like my emotions are all locked up, but this time for good. It's like I'll never feel better. I need to understand how my brain works, and if that's too much to ask, I'll end it all, cos it's the worst choice I can make.
mattjl mattjl
18-21, M
2 Responses Jan 13, 2013

I hear what u are saying. You feel you have no one to turn to no one cares. To feel lost in the world is a deep pain that won't go away. I know because I am struggling out of the same dark hole as i write this...I climb a little out but then I slide back down. Everyday is do difficult. I have also thought of suicide. Especially when I was crying and crying to my husband. And then he had enough and left me all alone downstairs. I was so scared to be alone with my desperation but I knew I would get nothing but the annoyed look and that I am keeping him awake. I just sobbed I have no
One. Both of my parents are dead. My surviving brothers and
Sisters don't speak to me as I was the only one along with my other brother to try and stop the executor of the will my other brother a lawyer. Basically the trusted lawyer son had a lot of hate( learned it from my dad) that he heaped on us intentionally letting the
House loss
Money. Didn't sell it for years
For no reason and on and
On. He is a millionaire by the way. I tell you this long drawn out story (sort). Because this was the
Beginning of my downfall. That my brother would want to do this. That he has become this. My sister turned from me when I took a stand against his immoral actions ( for the $) I helped raise
Her gave her birthday parties. It broke my heart. I was the one who solely cared for my dying mother. Then she
Died. Part of me died that day too. Then the brutality of my
Brother and sisters actions I lost faith in the world. I also had 4 kids to watch at home and ran back and forth for months. My husband would ask me when I got home from caring for her i heard what I was making for dinner for him No one said here sit you need to rest now. I will bring you a cup of tea. Nothing. he complained about his day. I then I had
To see my kids and be strong
Them. My husbands family did not even say they were sorry for my loss they complained how hard it was to get to the wake right after work...I was consoling them. And now here I am today Living through that hell made my
Body fall apart. I had ulcerative colitis autoimmune thyroid disease, and then I
Started losing my teeth to gum disease. I was physically falling to pieces. My husband was supposed to be my strength but he did nothing
To make to feel better. Mostly ignored me even when I was laying on the couch sick it was a
Bother to him if I asked for a drink So as I have come
Into this world I have only known people to hurt me. Father severe abuse mother was also crazy narcissist. My
Job was to
Not succeed so she would feel superior. While my brother the golden child now slum lawyer she gushed over. He's the one who now took all the money--some
Golden child eh!
My life now is from doctor to
Doctor all week. My husband is a
Narcissist my four children are growing up one moved another away at
College two still home the older one
A teenager I think he hates me and younger daughter I'm sure will also at that age. I live now in my house soooo sad lonely and ignored only if someone wants something. I was a stay at home mom did everything for all of them and this
Is my reward . I am so tired of going on. I wish I could be with my mother again. We would laugh together so much. Now my laughter has gone with her. I know I will see her in heaven someday happy standing in a field of little yellow
Buttercup flowers . Holding her arms
Open to me. I
Will see you soon mama but not yet. Pray for me. To keep me going and the sad thoughts in check I repeat over and over I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me Keep saying it over and over in your car. At bed at
Niight Push those dark thoughts away! I feel you are fighting for your lufe. Fight the good fight !!! Jesus is
With you until
The end of time!!

Ok, been there. It took me awhile to realize that everytime my life was good I sabotaged myself at every turn. Couldnt stand all that goodness. Always wanted to punish myself. felt I felt I was not good enough for my life so why should I not ruin it. It happened to me because of the trauma of losing my family. You are just doing this because you want to punish yourself. As life for me went on and got better and more trusting I stopped the nonsense and put more effort into doing what was right for Me. I started to focus on others instead of my pain. YOu have alot of pain inside whether its about your parents divorcing or some other trauma. Of course it does take time. I just hope you dont kill yourself before you come to that realization. I am lucky to have survived all I put myself through. It takes ime and accepting that your parents are who they are. Start to relax more Its hard being a teenager. You are changing and maturing and trying to follow your natural urges. Try to take a break from punishing yourself NOW. before its too late. Try to really apply some thinking into this. I am glad you even wrote this. At least you recognise there is a problem. Analyze what you are doing. Alot of my mistakes is because I didnt have anyone to tell me what was going on and what I needed to do. Sometimes peer pressure can cause you to get involved in something just to be accepted but I warn you that those people will not be there for you in the long run. Really think about what they are doing and walk away if its going to jeopardize your life. Finding happiness will come in the future with people you make friends with at a work place. Find a job and get busy and turn away from the mirror. Try to see past the image that reminds you of how unhappy you are.

Thanks. Helpful, very helpful. It's reassuring to know that someone else than myself has been there and got out of it. It's just that sometimes I feel so empty, and I over-over-over-think as if I wanted to fill my head up with thoughts, but it all turns out to be hate against myself, for something I didn't even do. I really don't get the way things work, i'm still at the point where I tell myself: Why would anything bother working? Nothing could be more peaceful than ummhhh... Nothing.
You see that's where my annoying brain kicks in, and over-thinks. That was an accurate demonstration of what happens when I think too much: I feel like dying is a perfectly good option.
Of course I know it isn't, or at least I try to convince myself.

Yes I was exactly around your age. Wanted to die too. But it does get better. The thing about dying young is that you will never know what you will have missed. A loving relationship, wonderful kids, and I could go on and on. But you get the gist. If you could pin point why you feel so empty, is it because you havent found someone special yet? Maybe you are just stuck on that record that just keeps saying " I am worth nothing" . But dont believe it. Things will change. Our minds grow and mature and we start to analyze our situations with better clarity and feeling. You seem like a great guy. Think of yourself that way and believe it.

You've gone through something similar to what I am right now, so you know how hard it is to even feel something. I'm not even going as far as saying something good, just a hint of "being-alive-ness".
Maybe I do need to find someone, but I have to feel something for the person, so if feeling alive is a problem you can imagine being in love is really not the easiest thing. I will nevertheless take this into account, and I'll post a big thank you when I find someone :)


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