But My Mind Is Still Overweight.

I was very overweight as a kid. I had Binge Eating Disorder, and basically ate to suppress my feelings. I had been through so much abuse as a child, and didn't know of any other way to deal with the pain. Food was my best friend. It always made me feel good, no questions asked. 

In elementary school, I was 'the fat girl'. It's a different world when you're overweight... people walk right by you as if you don't exist. In middle school, I had toned up a little, but was still chubby. I was teased, and became very insecure about my body.

After I became bulimic, I lost weight, but it didn't feel like enough. I wanted to be thin, unmistakably thin, and I would do anything in my power to get myself there. I stopped eating almost entirely, and my weight dropped from 130 lbs. to 100 in around a month.

Since then, I've tried to change my view on food. I try not to look at it as something bad, but I'm terrified of my body returning to that state. I've gradually brought my weight back to a healthy place, around 110 lbs, but it's dropping again. I am afraid to get treatment because I don't want to gain weight. I like being the smallest girl in the room, the one that people gasp at and say, 'God, I wish I had your body'. I've worked so hard to get myself here, and I don't want to loose it.

I'm still not happy. I want to be smaller, maybe 100 lbs. again. Hitting the 90's would be a dream come true. My family thinks it's sick, telling me that I used to look like something out of the Holocaust, but I cant make myself believe that. The funny thing about loosing weight is, the more you loose, the fatter you feel. At least in my case. I know measurements, jeans, and the scale don't lie, but I still feel so fat. I guess my mind is still in that place.

OblitusAuri OblitusAuri
22-25, F
May 15, 2010