Miserable

There is a saying that it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

I have to disagree with that sentiment.

This is my perception, my feelings;

Imagine a being that knows only cold, grey, and bleak. Then that being suddenly finds itself in a warm colorful comfortable environment. It is the best feeling ever experienced. It doesn't understand how to maintain this new wonderful feeling and eventually falls back into cold damp grey discomfort. The being then realizes it can never return to that environment and will forever feel nothing but the cold, sentenced to a life of misery only wanting that same warm feeling to return.

To loved and have lost is therefore a worse predicament than never having felt love at all.

Someone loved me, and I destroyed it. No, WE loved each other. Now I know how an alcoholic or crack addict must feel. There is an overwhelming emptiness that I feel will never go away. I want and desire that feeling to come back, yet I know once lost... it is gone forever. What doubles the pain is the fact that it didn’t have to be this way. I had the ability to maintain it, but I lacked the understanding.

I didn’t understand love as an emotion or a concept. I am not speaking of passion, lust, or desire. I am only talking about the connection shared by two people that binds them together in a way nothing else can compare. If you have experienced it you will know what I am talking about. I thought I knew what love was before this relationship as well, but I was mistaken. I am talking about a feeling that two people share, as it cannot be one sided. It’s the feeling that you are one with another person. The emotion that feels as if were warming every pore and cell in your body. Not to be obscene, but it is the emotional equivalent of a physical ******. The physical feeling cannot even compare to the emotional high of true love. Imagine having an ****** when you were with or thought of another person, but in an emotional sense, not physical. I simply have no better way to describe it.

I shared that feeling with another being. Now it is lost. Lost forever...
Desperation does not come close to explaining my anxiety.

I am that being that lived in the cold. I found the warmth that I did not understand...I destroyed it.

The feeling of despair now fills that void...empty...hollow...desperate...Cold

That is not the worst of my predicament though. I now have to live with the realization that I am responsible for subjecting someone else to the same despair.


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reteod reteod
41-45, M
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

Hi,
I understand what you say, only too painfully well. You describe exactly what I went through almost forty years ago. The pain dullens a bit, but never goes away, the regret is overpowering at times. I had her right in my arms, but like you did not understand enough about love and life to keep her. Like a fool, I treated her love casually, even though at the same time my heart was bursting with joy that this wonderful, beautiful person was filling my grey world with such brilliant sun light. Then she was gone, puzzled and disappointed that when I should have fought for her I didnt, I just watched her walk away. I actually went a bit unstable with the grief afterwards. It took me many years to recover enough to start going out again. I have married, raised a family, but I have never experienced anything near to that love again. I agree with you, I would rather not have loved at all, than at such a young age to have tasted something that would never come again for the rest of my life.