Intolerable Love

It would have been our one year anniversary on the first of March, as we first met on the 29th of February last year, he date raped me on the 22nd of March, 11 days after my 20th birthday, but being from the subcontinent and having the predisposition to be subservient, I remained with him, or rather, listened to his every whim.

He told me the reason he couldn't be emotionally engaged with me, was because I lived in suburbia, and he in the creme de la creme part of Sydney. As I am of muslim descent and lived with over bearing parents and could only see him sporadicaly- once evry two or three weeks for 2 hours, at most, he wanted to maintain a degree of detachment from me and I had to live with; being adressed by my last name, a five minute phone call every four days to see how my studies were going and how things at home were, I would give the same answers (all is well) as I was deathly afraid of coming across of melodramatic and imature.

He told me he was 33 when I first met him I was 19, I had a feeling that he was much older as he was completely bald, and skin showed signs of aging, but I remained mum and wouldn't question him , as I didn't want to make him feel discomfort, lest he detach from me further.

I would often scan his facebook page, and it would pain me to see all these women shower him with attention, "love to catch up for coffee xoxox" and he would keep his status "single" and the few times that I would visit his home, which was absolutely filthy and old, but it did have spectacular water views and I absolutely loved that he had thousands of books, he would deliberately display photos of his ex girlfriends and kept saying that he wanted me to have sex with another woman and he wanted a woman to take photos of us having sex, as he is an exhibitionist by nature and it would help me lose my inhibitions whilst I have sex, as he felt I was too self conscious and and that is the only way I would ****** and not be in pain when I have sex, as I rarely became lubricated naturally, and he felt it was absolutely my fault, ( as I would ony see once every couple of weeks and every time he wanted to have sex, the scar tissue would heal and he would rarely "go down on me" I pain would be excruciating), and he loved to be rough, and loved to pin my arms up and just "pound me", and he kept wanting me to do anal sex, and kept on trying to penetrate me with his fingers and penis, and I would just cry, having normal sex was discomforting to say the least, and anal penetration even by fingers I just cried and felt disgusted, but nevertheless I continued to see him, his phone calls became even more sporadic and everytime I would call him he would say "I am at a meeting, or I am in NZ or I am talking to my parents in India" (this would be at 11pm ) and I would remain awake till 2 am, anxiously but paitiently awaiting for his phone call.. which he never returned.. I felt so ashamed calling him and thought myself to be so infantile because I desired him and just completely inferior. He once called me to say "I have three super models at my home, and they are all 6 foot girls and I dont know how they will all fit in my lounge room" and they were supposedly staying over the night.. I commenced to cry as I thought he was having sex with the girls..

I was in complete turmoil, and I was in so much pain and wished that he could only return my affection..

My parents soon discovered from the few mobile messages that he sent me, that I had commenced a romantic relatioship of my own accord, and it was sexual in nature, I was greeted with my mom gripping my hair and dragging me to my bedroom and my dad spitting on my face, and a volley of shocking words, as they were certain that I was no longer a virgin. Even, though my parents aren't religious, they don't even border on being moderate, they would play the "religion card" to circumvent my "behavior". The violence escalated, as each went by, and as my maternal aunt and uncle had arrived from overseas and were staying with us, my parents wielded more control over me. my dad would kick me in my stomach, and would curse me all the time, they would deprive me of sleep and would just make me stand at the corner and say that I didn't deserve to sit on the furniture. I confided to Robbie, that I didn't want to remain at home as the abuse was intolerable, he agreed with me and said that I should move out, but he could facilitate anything, as he was for time and he was not a good financial position to do so. He never purchased anything for me, and when he did take me out, it would be just coffee, and it remained like that for the majority of our "relationship" whilst I remained at home.

With great difficulty I finally left home and suffered much abuse at the hands of my parents, but it paled in comparision to the heart ache I experienced with him..

It's nearly 1am and my eyes are out of focus, as I have tears streaming down my face, I will write the remainder of the events that occured subsequent to my emancipation. At current, let me just divulge a few details, that led to the dissolution of our "relationship".

I discovered; he is 45 years old, not 33. He is married in India and still supports the wife financially and he married in Australia to gain his permanent residency and he was in jail for domestic violence. He had been sued for unconscionable conduct and lost every single cent. He had remained in a sexual realtionship with a woman in the duration of "our relationship", she is having an extramarital affair..He also regularly saw and spent thousands of dollars on escorts and he took cocaine..  He told me that in order for him to reconnect with me sexually I need to arrange a *********, so I did, and he broke up with me the following day. He constantly called me "stupid" and accused me of infedility, and lying and misleading and maintaining a facade.. He set up tracking bots on my email accounts, so whatever emails I sent to my friends, would bounce back to his email and also set up audio and sms tracking bots on my mobile phone, so he could intercept all calls, he would regurlay go through my phone and he would say that "You are incapable of being in the straight and narrow, and incapable of telling the truth" and everytime I would try to defend myself he would say "stop trying to feign indignation" or 'stop being petulant and childish" if I commenced to cry. I felt so ashamed and stupid and horrible and nervous and ugly and incompetant and scared. I would just agree to everything he would say. I would just crave his love but he would always remain cold and dispassionate and aloof, and he would never divulge anything about his life as he wanted to ensure that his private and pubic life remain separate and he be the only variable..

But still my heart aches, not for the way he discarded me like a replaceable commodity, but because I believed in the dream, that we would oneday marry and that I would be his wife.. He led me to believe that we would get engaged on my 21st birthday this March and that we would get married later this year. I lost the respect and love of my family and had to cut all familial ties as instructed by him, I rarely have any contact with any of my friends as he led me to believe they would cause my "downfall" and I would mentally degenerate. I also became paranoid, after I discovered that my emails, msn and mobile communication were being tracked and being comprismised by him.

Several times, I tried to kill myself; overdosing on sleeping pills, cutting my wrists and ofcours trying to get hold of Carbon Monoxide, but that's another story...

I hope the above wasn't too "lyrical and superfluous" as he told me "Just because you know a few words in English doesn't mean that you are intelligent". Well isn't life grand?

umathena umathena
18-21, F
4 Responses Feb 17, 2009

Honey, you need to get far away from there. If you already cut all ties to family and friends, don't tell anyone, just leave the country or at least move somewhere far away. Make sure you do all your business in person without any technology until you're all set up. Also, set up a new email account and get a new phone and phone number, and make sure you're not listed in the phone book.<br />
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You really don't need him. Just look at the way you write, your style screams that you are intelligent and you can make it on your own. Get an education and a good job. You will make new friends and you will definitely find someone who loves you. Believe me, you can love more than once, and it is definitely better when the other person loves you back. And don't you dream of actually making love rather than being pounded? I know it can be hard to just leave, but don't overthink it, just do it.<br />
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Be strong, my thoughts are with you :) *hugs*

How could u fall for a jerk like that!!and stilL crying because of a broken dream with that bastard!girl,just buckle up,wipe ur tears and forget that chapter.d0nt ever sheD any tear for that would be a an insult to all w0ment if u ever feel sory dat he is n0t in ur lifE anym0re,as he is an0ther example of eDiot men who c0nsidErs w0man as a sextoy.he is n0thing just an unfaithful l0oser nymph0maniac.and i think you should try c0ntaCting with your family and try to repair ur damageD relati0n.i d0nt kn0w why,buT it seEms, u d0nt realy fEel that u belong to ur family or ever realy like their values.gues its a c0mM0n problem with people brought up in west with eastern parents.its realy hard for asian parents to grasp on the western to0 much libarel a bangladeshy i kn0w h0w weird and iritating bangali muslim parents cAn be.its just our culture's ageold percepti0n.u cant change them.buT oNce you try to love them unc0nditi0naly and underStand them u'lL discover the intensity of their love towards u.its their love which makes them so violent and over protactive.ofcourSe,They were too hard on u.i d0nt sup0rt those kicking n aBusing,m just teling u to b tolerant with them.i have seEn parents who love their kids so much that even at the sliGhtest risk of their kids g0ing in wr0ng way makes them vi0lent.thats n0t aCceptable in n0rmal means.i kn0w.buT i have seEn parents who r equally strict and loving.0ne minute they r hiting them,an0ther minuTe they r fasting so that their kids do g0od in exam.its just their way.if u r familiar with bangladeshy cultre wel enuf u wud also agreE with me 0n the fact that bangali parents r oNe of a unique kind..their lyf,their dreams revolves ar0und their chldren and they can love fiercly which is rare. i hope u r n0t to0 mad at me becoz i kinda did, bakup ur famly.hope u r d0ing welL ryt n0w.

Love is out there still. I had no idea it got that bad...I'm so sorry. That was not love at all. Maybe this story belongs in the I was fooled by a bald insecure jerk that toyed with my feelings for his own pleasure. I never really liked him from the start but I can't tell you what you can and can't do. I just hoped for the best...I feel like I suck as a friend...No one deserves to be treated as poorly as you were treated. You deserve to be allowed to find a real passionate warm and kind love that lights you up inside.<br />
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You can find your own freedom and real love despite past pain. One love that mutually respects you. And if it doesn't work out, we all live and learn, we all make mistakes, and we can all move on.

(((Hugs))) I bloody hate men sometimes (doesn't help that i am one... i still don't understand them!)<br />
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There are better ones out there umathena, hope you find some!<br />
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Glad you made it through :o)<br />
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