Growing up, I didn't have my father in my life. My mother was in a relationship with a white man (she is black, but very light skinned) I always remember being on the chubbier side or feeling that way at least. I was constantly comparing myself to other girls and set my standards for beauty based on what I saw on television and magazines. Those were of course tall, skinny women with straight, long flowing hair, big breasts, full hips and blemishless skin. I feel like this is when my body image issues came into play. I didn't think that my brown skin was pretty at all; I actually was a little bitconfused as to whether I was white or black. Anyway, I grew older and started wearing weaves and wigs. this did not help me at all; I started to become dependent on them, no matter how messed up it was or how long I kept it in my hair. Girls around me started to look more and more like what I wanted to look like and I only seemed to stray further from this image. I surrounded myself with girls I wanted to look like which also didn't help. my self esteem was starving and so I turned to seeking validation from males. I was 11-12 talking to older men over the internet and sending nude pictures of myself to FULL grown men just for the few minutes of half assed approval. I found myself 16 and pregnant. I have formed a relationship with my father who loves me dearly; but this just doesn't seem to be enough. I don't know why, but I thought that connecting with him would somehow fix all the issues I had, and still have. Anyway, I see myself as being fat,but I Cabt stop eating. it's my safety blanket, no matter how ****** I feel when I do it. I tell myself I'll exercise but never work up the courage to do it. yes, I said courage.
Onyxiaa Onyxiaa
22-25, F
Oct 3, 2015