Root Of All My Problems

This is something I have been struggling with my entire life.
It wasn't until recently that I discovered that the root of at least a majority of my problems. It has been there since my first memory in school, before any of the other factors weighed in and just about destroyed me. There has been very little of me left due to everything that has happened.
I have been reading much on self-help sites, which is how I have come to this conclusion, why I am the way I am. I have read somewhere that what has gotten me into this dark and abysmal place are somewhat of gifts. I wish I could believe that.
I know my low self esteem is the cause of my jealousy, shame, self-loathing and near uncontrollable anger. I am most angry at myself for allowing me to stomped on my entire life. For that anger results in self-loathing, which does nothing for my self esteem as I continually beat myself up for all sorts of things, from either not being good enough at my job that blows (I blame myself for it sucking because A) I'm not doing it well enough, or B) I'm doing something wrong. The fact that its sales with high turnover doesn't affect my thinking) to angering/disappointing anyone.
On top of that, years of abuse have had their way on my psyche, resulting in so many things in my personality that need fixing. I continually feel sorry for my lover who constantly has to put up with this. I tell him, "if/when you go, I will understand. I am a handful, and can be too much for people". But whenever I say this, I make myself angrier, hearing myself play the victim all the time. Which then turns into that same vicious cycle of self loathing and even lower self esteem that I don't know how to stop.
It just seems like I have been beaten down my whole life, and I've played this victim part for long enough, and I want out of it. I feel like I am asking for pity from people, but that only makes me feel more helpless and hopeless for myself. I want to know how to reconstruct myself for myself. I want to truly feel what confidence is instead of pretending like I have been since I can remember. I don't want to doubt every single compliment someone says, nor doubt whether someone is really friends with me or not.
I'm trying not to go into great detail in concerns with this, because it's a story I have told to a couple people in order to forgive myself for being what I was/am, and I don't want to rehash it. Forgiveness, however, is nowhere in sight though, and it just keeps getting more frustrating.
So, my question is how can I bolster my self-esteem? I know this is no easy fix, and that there is no quick solution, but I want to work at this. No, I can't afford a therapist, but thanks.