I Can Talk The Talk... But I Dont Know How To Walk...

I go around boasting about how I am the prettiest boy to ever walk gods green earth to the point that people around me think of me as this Narcissistic, egotistical SOB who is a little too stuck on himself... Well honestly its an act. I act this way to hide the truth from everyone. Honestly, I do not believe the things I say about myself. Yeah I can talk big, but when the time comes i get quiet very quickly.

There is nothing good about me in all actuality. I have no good points, only bad ones. What any girl would ever see in me is beyond me. No girl could ever want me. I saw a girl tonight while I was leaving class and when I saw her the breath was knocked out of me, I couldnt even focuse on what a class mate of mine was saying as we were walking twords the parking lot. Funny thing, I wanted to say something to her but then I remembered... why in the hell would such a woman even glance in my direction? What do I have to offer? Not a damn thing. When I remind myself of this it hurts yes, but I have actually learned to come to terms with this. No woman will ever want me. It is alot easier to admit this now. Gone are the days that thinking such thoughts brings tears to my eyes... thats over. I have accepted my fate. I am to be alone, but thats ok. Once I graduate and move out, I will be able to "buy happiness" so to speak. Yes I know you cant truly buy happiness, but I can buy things that can make me forget about it all. Even if its only temporary. I have considered trying weed at that point. I hear that makes you feel pretty good about damn near everything till the buzz wears off. Nothing wrong with a little recreational usage. Every dog needs a bone... seeing how I will always be alone, I kinda feel stupid for not having sex with that one girl and saving myself for marrage, but I still save myself because deep down I still have a very tiny piece of hope left that there is someone out there for me who will love me. and incase that person does infact exist, I want to be able to give her everything... yeah it sounds stupid as hell. Go ahead and laugh, I got laughed at for thinking like this in high school and I got to hear girls tell me "Thats sweet and all but guys like you dont exist" heh... so I guess I dont realy exist... but if I dont realy exist, then do my feelings even exist?

I dono... you try being bullied from Kindergarden till you graduate high school and tell me if some of the things you feel or think about yourself make any sence to you :/
Krie Krie
1 Response Jan 17, 2012

You are so young.... You have so much life and promise. Having low self-esteem doesn't mean you're worth nothing/little, it just means that your brain isn't able to be ob<x>jective and thinks poorly of yourself out of habit. Your brain is prejudiced against you. But it is *wrong*. You are BEAUTIFUL, you are a living breathing creation of Nature, and you have a lot to offer this world and to the people around you. Be patient with yourself and you'll come to increase your self-confidence as you grow and as life teaches you new things by putting you through new situations. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself; you ought to be your best friend even when it's difficult.<br />
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Things won't always be like this; your life won't always be like this. New challenges will come, you'll gain more proficiency with many skills (such as social skills, etc) and hopefully you'll start to see that you are valued and you hold value for other people as well. People need you, you know. <br />
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So many young people put themselves down for absolutely no good reason, and it kinda hurts me inside. I don't know how you got to this point, but it's a faulty way of thinking to habitually put yourself down like that. Of course everyone has faults but there's still value in what is not absolute perfection. Take a chance on yourself, take a risk and believe in yourself. I bet there are many girls out there who are feeling exactly the way you feel, and any one of them would feel blessed to have you in their lives or to at least give you a chance.<br />
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Stop taking the easy way out, and believe.

Yeah you make some good points and you are actually right. I should stop taking the easy way out. Believe it or not tho I do feel this way about myself that this is actually an improvment from how I use to be a few years ago. I use to think I was also a complete idiot untill I realized that I am far from it. People telling me that I would be nothing and never get into college and I did it. I even brought my pathetic 1.9 GPA up to a respectable 2.5. Maybe if I put as much effort into this as I did with that, I may actually be ok with myself... tho I am not sure if I am ready for such a change honestly... I might hold it off till after I graduate. Yeah I know, procrastination is bad because who is to say that I will still be alive? The world could end tomorrow and yet im putting this off till then... Time for me to stop rambling. I shall keep what you have said in mind.