I Can Talk The Talk... But I Dont Know How To Walk...I go around boasting about how I am the prettiest boy to ever walk gods green earth to the point that people around me think of me as this Narcissistic, egotistical SOB who is a little too stuck on himself... Well honestly its an act. I act this way to hide the truth from everyone. Honestly, I do not believe the things I say about myself. Yeah I can talk big, but when the time comes i get quiet very quickly.
There is nothing good about me in all actuality. I have no good points, only bad ones. What any girl would ever see in me is beyond me. No girl could ever want me. I saw a girl tonight while I was leaving class and when I saw her the breath was knocked out of me, I couldnt even focuse on what a class mate of mine was saying as we were walking twords the parking lot. Funny thing, I wanted to say something to her but then I remembered... why in the hell would such a woman even glance in my direction? What do I have to offer? Not a damn thing. When I remind myself of this it hurts yes, but I have actually learned to come to terms with this. No woman will ever want me. It is alot easier to admit this now. Gone are the days that thinking such thoughts brings tears to my eyes... thats over. I have accepted my fate. I am to be alone, but thats ok. Once I graduate and move out, I will be able to "buy happiness" so to speak. Yes I know you cant truly buy happiness, but I can buy things that can make me forget about it all. Even if its only temporary. I have considered trying weed at that point. I hear that makes you feel pretty good about damn near everything till the buzz wears off. Nothing wrong with a little recreational usage. Every dog needs a bone... seeing how I will always be alone, I kinda feel stupid for not having sex with that one girl and saving myself for marrage, but I still save myself because deep down I still have a very tiny piece of hope left that there is someone out there for me who will love me. and incase that person does infact exist, I want to be able to give her everything... yeah it sounds stupid as hell. Go ahead and laugh, I got laughed at for thinking like this in high school and I got to hear girls tell me "Thats sweet and all but guys like you dont exist" heh... so I guess I dont realy exist... but if I dont realy exist, then do my feelings even exist?
I dono... you try being bullied from Kindergarden till you graduate high school and tell me if some of the things you feel or think about yourself make any sence to you :/