When?

Im an 18 year old guy going to a great college and i have a great girlfriend...yet, im sad and depressed....im not me anymore...not happy, not clear headed, not strong anymore...at night i cant sleep, i toss and turn all night long until the sun rises....dark and terrible dreams haunt me until early morning, so i refuse to sleep anymore, i cant sleep anymore...its affecting my school work, my relationships, everything...i feel so lost and depressed, like a man stranded in the desert with no clear sign of help...and in my worst times is when i get attacked by myself, i point out all my flaws, all that is wrong with me, physically, mentally, spiritually...i get such strong desires, things that i have not felt for years, whether from loneliness or my own sense of depravity i do not know. i once spent hours looking for someone to sext with online...when did that become me, when did i become this perverted man? when did i become this person who would search for such things? im not me anymore, its like there is another me, someone who takes over when my body demands...my life has been replaced by a whirlpool of conflicting feeling and emotions, all telling me to give up, quit school, quit your job, give up on that girlfriend you dont deserve you, she can do much much better than disgusting you...and the worst part about it all is the apathy for it all...its like i dont care anymore, im loosing the ability to care what happens to me...my life is slowly going downhill and i just dont care anymore...ive given up...ive given in...i just want to die, i want to die alone.
Deldest Deldest
18-21
May 7, 2012