Nothing Is Beautiful About The Word Beautiful

I don't know when it started, but I know that it was before I started 2nd grade. Grown up now and almost 20, it seems like such an early age to feel something so cruel as that. It was before I even truly became the image of ugly.
As the years went by things got worse, i became chunky. Skinny legs and arms but chubby cheeks and belly fat. Then came the glasses. Soon puberty.
Next thing I know I'm in high school and secretly talking to the man next door who is a child psychologist. He knew that whatever he told me didn't help me change my mind, but it felt nice to talk to someone who didn't think that it was just a phase or a teenage temper tantrum 'as my parents so called put it'.
I had my ways of dealing with the pain. Drugs, Alcohol, Smoking, Cutting, Parties.
But you can't do that when you have a baby on the way. You have to find new ways to deal with the pain. I have yet to find one. But I think I've finally hit rock bottom on my idea of my self appearance. I was with a man who even though he said he loved me, had to give affection and receive it from other women. And now here I am alone, pregnant, and waiting for the only man who would want to be with me. I'm looking for hope, I'm praying for a miracle, I'm waiting...and I don't even know what for anymore.
For the first time, I finally know exactly what it means to feel completely repulsive on the inside.
It no longer deals with what I look like anymore. I now blame the person I am on the inside.

RainyWeather RainyWeather
18-21, F
May 9, 2012