Inadequately Fearful

I tweeted today that “There’s a special kind of beauty in solitude.” And well, there is…. But, somehow, it seems to be an excuse. An excuse for me to not have to take that chance, and be social.
I’m not exactly sure what I’m scared of, I just know that there’s something about being in the spotlight, being the center of attention, surrounded by those that I’m unfamiliar with, that terrifies me. I know I’m okay around David, I’m okay around Tarik, around Deja, Paul… but is that it? Is that the end of my list?... With all of the people I’ve grown so very close to, with all of the people that have done so much for me, that have shown again and again that they would never, ever judge me, or make me feel anything less than spectacular, why do I still have this FEAR? I wish I could say for sure, because it surely is a FEAR. A biting, eating FEAR, that slowly churns in my stomach, festering until it crawls up into my chest, where it makes it hard to breathe. It moves into my head, taking control, taking all of my faculties until my ability to do anything well has been severely impaired, if not handicapped for the remainder of the reign of FEAR.
Now, what if I learned to conquer this FEAR? Could it be done? But how? How…? Could it be that experiencing it over and over and over again is the answer? What if I subjected myself to this torment just to grow accustomed to it? Could that be the way to learn from it? To grow from it? To learn how to live with it? Or, better yet, to DEFEAT it? Could that be the way that I learn to conquer my greatest fear? My fear of inadequacy… the only true fear that I have ever had is the only one that I’ve never been able to understand.
I know that I often say, to both myself and others, that if you are unable to pinpoint an exact reason for something, it probably doesn’t exist. But I know, and I know quite well, that sometimes, things exist, and they defy explanation, they resist any attempt at defining them… they exist. Or… maybe that’s just it. Maybe they don’t. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t exist. By nature of being in my head, simply because it’s a psychological fear, an agitation of the brain, it isn’t real. It isn’t… right?
I hope… I sincerely hope that it isn’t. Because if it is, I wouldn’t know how to handle life… which brings about the question… do I?
PerpetuallyDreaming PerpetuallyDreaming
18-21, M
1 Response May 10, 2012

Fear cripples people more than any other disease.