Self Esteem Affecting My Relationships And Personal Endeavors... Help! :

Hm... I don't know where to start, but I have had low self esteem my whole life, like it is embedded in my genes (which it probably is).  Anyway, I guess the main problem is with my boyfriend.

I've been with him for almost 6 years since I was 16 (I'm 22) and we've been living together for over a year.  I envisioned him as someone I could see myself being with for a long time and having children with.  I hate to say it but now I am totally unsure about anything I once felt so certain about.

Like many other relationships I've read about, things started off great and fun and now I feel like we are just roommates or friends that occasionally show affection for eachother.  I dont know if it's the stress of life in general living on our own, or if we're growing apart, but things are just not the same as when we were younger.

A few months ago a bunch of **** history showed up on MY computer on MY youtube page and I was instantly mortified.  I've always been insecure about my no-chest, and of course, my boyfriend had looked up 30 + videos in a matter of a few days like "big huge boobs" "big black ***" etc.  While being with my boyfriend I have religiously worked out and tried to stay fit, look as good as I can and be a good girlfriend to him, which now I look back on as a waste.

I've talked with him about it, and he denied it and denied it until I drug it out of him.  He says it's no big deal, all guys do it, at least he doesnt cheat on me blah blah blah.  I have never had any inkling to show any interest in other men but now I am wondering if this is completely stupid of me.  I feel as though my loyalty and devotion to him has backfired and I am unhappier than ever.  The last few months since I found out I have barely wanted him to touch me, sex is completely unenjoyable for me and I have given up trying to be perfect for him because I'm obviously not so why keep trying. 

He says he loves me but he has expressed to me before how he has no plans to marry me (because his "friends" dont marry their girlfriends... whatever) and that the only reason he doesnt cheat on me is because "he cant stand girls because they're annoying". 

I have put my life on hold to help him with his career and endeavors and I dont feel as though he would do the same for me.  I am the one who feels not good enough when neither of us are perfect.  When I complain that I am not happy he tells me to move back in with my parents, which I have been contemplating.  I dont know if he is sick of me or bored with living with me, or if he just wants a change.  We are eachothers first relationship but I am feeling like he is wanting more or something different as we get older.

As for myself, I cant help but think that I would be happier alone.  At least I would have less to worry about.  I've looked upon my boyfriend as being this great guy that no one else can live up to; but if I cant work things out with him, I have doubts about anyone else I will meet in the future.  After countlessly searching online, I can relate to so many girls who feel like **** because their guys always want someone else.  So I say **** it.

I have tried to make my boobs bigger/thought of getting surgery but I think it would be a waste -- he's always gonna look at other things and it's always gonna bother me.  I just dont know what to do...  I feel like I still love him, but his actions as a whole make me not in love with him anymore and I am starting to not be able to stand him, because my feelings are obviously last on his list.  I want to type in "big huge black dicks" on youtube 100 times when I know he would see it as some sort of lame revenge, but I dont think it'll help me feel better in the long run.  Mainly I am just tired of not feeling like I'm good enough, paired with lame excuses as to why I should "just accept it." How about no. I dont care what's "natural for guys," anymore.  The way I'm looking at it, I would be happier without one and I could do more for myself. 

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

samokablamo samokablamo
3 Responses May 25, 2012

AND....just for good measure....and maybe a little bit of a laugh, maybe you SHOULD search "big black dicks" on his computer. If nothing else it might be good for a chuckle. :P

haha for sure, I think I might try it later and see how HE likes it for a change ;)

Thanks for the awesome insight Tuva :)

Don't do surgery unless it's %100 for you and not what you think that your boyfriend will want. Not sure what his problem is exactly, but it seems that he may not know what he wants out of a relationship. <br />
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As for the whole "the only reason he doesnt cheat on me is because '"he cant stand girls because they're annoying"' sounds like a 10 year old boy not to mention the fact that he only has ONE reason NOT to cheat on you. What a winner he is. Not to sound harsh or to counsel ANYONE to leave a relationship, but unless he starts to act like a normal, adult MAN, there is no reason why you should waste these years of your youth with someone that doesn't respect you and who YOU don't really feel much for either.