It's Irrational, But I Can't Seem to Change It.

This is sort of complex (as I'm certain everybody's is), so I'll get straight to the point.

My problem is that I can't give myself credit for anything good that I do.

I'm definitely not one to jump my own bandwagon (and maybe that's part of the problem!) but I have recently been awarded a prize for the best informatics student on first year level.

Everyone seems to be so happy for me, and proud to be related to me, but all I feel when someone tries to congratulate me or even mention it, is apathy and guilt.

Guilt! Why guilt? Apathy? Shouldn't I be the first person to be happy about it?

In my mind, it feels as if I don't deserve it...and this is not just the case with the award -- it's the same with most achievements. I try to forget it. I don't pat myself on the shoulder and say "Wow, you're good." Rather, I think I feel as if I could have done better.

It is as if the standards I set myself are too high (I say "set myself" because this expectations have nothing to do with friends, parents or any external entity; it's purely my own expectations for myself.)

Can it also be that inside myself I KNOW I can achieve these type of stuff, so achieving them isn't really a challenge, and thus there's really no reward in it for me? Maybe I should try achieving other types of stuff -- I don't know: maybe I should try playing soccer (that's the one sport I know I could obsess over.)

Can someone else relate to this feeling?
dawkirst dawkirst
18-21, M
4 Responses May 13, 2007

Nice story..Your appreciated..God bless you...:)

Thanks for replying. I added you to my MSN contacts. Mine is dawkirst followed by Cheers.

U are just like me,<br />
I feel not good enough and guilty even though I do many things right. I still depend on what others think about me and my life has no direction. Let's talk via MSN at this name followed by<br />
<br />
See ya,<br />
LEE<br />
Girl from thailand

Yeah... it seems we do have the same concerns :) (Thanks for adding me too).. I do hope we'll overcome these obstacles soon. I have to learn to appreciate my achievements as well, but it's really hard because of the exceedingly high expectations I impose on myself. Thanks for sharing this. It's good to know I'm not alone.