I Hate Who I Am

I guess nobody's actually going to read this... but I guess I just wanted to say something. I am 13 years old (8th grade) and I hate myself. I hate every part of my body and I wear a mask everyday. When I go to school, I pretend to be a confident, cool, don't-care-what-anyone-thinks popular, pretty girl with lots of friends. Someone who gets along with everyone. Things changed lately. My parents are currently in a nasty divorce and I haven't seen my father in 7 months. For years before, they fought constantly, and I guess it rubbed off on me? I'm a horrible person. I'm mean and sarcastic. My sarcasm comes out so much and I've lost a lot of friends because of it. All I have now is 1 BFF (girl) and some guy friends... but they're guys. I can't sleepover at their house and go shopping with them. But my 'friends' like the person I pretend to be. The slightest glimpse of the real me can send some of them running. I looked for love in a romantic relationship... but I feel like I'm just being used. I feel like an empty shell and I'm tired. I just want to lay down and forget that I ever existed. My mother tries her hardest but she doesn't understand. I only ever asked her to listen to me but she ignores me... like always. I talk but no one listens. I exist but I'm worthless. I know that I have low self-esteem and I hate eating but I tell people that I'm not. I try to lose weight and use makeup and I try all sorts of hair treatments and I tried to pluck my eyebrows and get them threaded... I'm always trying to improve myself... which is usually normal... but I obsess about what I look like and what other people think of me every second of everyday. I tried to live in the present and not think about the future... I take risks and make mistakes on purpose because I know that I might die at any moment, but I get criticized for that too. I don't like thinking about the past because it reminds me of a better time, and I don't like thinking about the future because I don't want to break my own heart before I get there.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 13, 2013