All my life, I've felt like I'm second-rate, that the people around me (friends, family) are more interesting, more intelligent, more attractive, funnier, stronger, kinder, and I'm just a consolation prize, an honorable mention.

I know I shouldn't think this way, that everyone is different, that we each excel in one way and fail in others, but I can't help it, it eats away at me like a cancer, to the point where I can barely carry a conversation sometimes because I feel like I'm boring them, or if I'm in a group I don't speak up because nothing that comes out of my mouth is worth saying.

The only things I've ever done truly well is cheat, lie, and betray the people that I care about. I wish I were different, maybe it's this feeling of zero self worth that makes me act this way, or maybe I'm just a bad person

I have a girlfriend, but I haven't shared any of this with her, she means the world to me, and I mean the world to her, I wouldn't want her to think less of me. She's the only person who's ever told me that I was perfect the way I am, that I'm a good, strong, kind person, but I don't believe her, I hold myself with zero regard, I feel like I'm a boring, nasty, cowardly waste.

Maybe I put too much stock into what other people think, if one defines oneself on other people's opinions, one will never be happy, but even in the moments where I shut everything out, all I'm left with is a guy I can't stand, who isn't good enough

Sorry if this all seems self absorbed, but I needed to unload, just a bit
JHeit JHeit
22-25, M
Aug 16, 2014