Image Issues

I have huge issues with my husband buying mags like picture and saving pics of hot chicks off metacafe. Each time I find something like that I take it as a personal knock to myself and feel like I'm not good enough. My husband says that all blokes look at them and it's nothing to do with me being unatractive. But the girls he looks at never look like me and besides lately (after I made it very clear I needed to be told when I looked good) my husband never came up and told me that I'm hot.  Other people tell me that I'm good looking and that my body's great for having two kids but I still feel like I should be something else - I'm seriously considering a boob job as my boobs have shrunk considerably and are saggy(grose!!) hubby says it doesn't bother him but he's a boobie man and all the women in the pics he looks at have awsome boobs! I spend all my time trying to look better - even sitting in different ways so that he can't see my 'I have too much skin on my belly' rolls. Some days I feel like I'm ugly and others I feel like I'm hot but my husband isn't noticing or doesn't care because there are so many chicks better looking than me out there! I used to beleive that it was seeing hot chicks that made us bad but now I beleive its the reaction that men have to them thats the prob! To me wanking over pics of other women is as bad as sleeping with them especially when I don't think the wanking would've happened if the pics weren't there (is that wierd??). I really want to know how to be happy with what I am as I know I have it pretty easy compared to others with image issues but everytime I think I'm ok I'll find a new pic or something and I go through it all again. The worst part of it is that it always ends with me causing a fight with hubby blaming him for the way I feel when maybe it's got nothing to do with him - what do you think?
mum08 mum08
26-30, F
10 Responses Feb 21, 2007

Just tell him that you are not comfortable for him to look at those magz and that it is disrespectful towards you. Tht should give him a hint. He will stop if he cares about your feelings.

you need to take into account that rationally he knows he cant have the women in the magazines but males are hard wired to seek out females ( that is how he found you) and trust me if he does quit looking at other women you will join the group "sexless marriage"

Remember that these girls in the pictures that you are comparing yourselves to, are just as insecure as all of us. No one is perfect but all women are beautiful! Your significant other not caring about your feelings seems like a completely different problem to me. I really thought that I was going crazy thinking these things. I have been in modeling, fashion shows and even won a beauty pageant. I most certainly don't feel beautiful but it isn't because my boyfriend makes me feel this way. I do it to myself. I compare myself and expect perfection. I quit modeling because I was getting too depressed and thought that I would never be good enough. I never looked like the other girls and I dont understand how a man could ever look at me the same after seeing such a gorgeous woman. I'm tall and awkward, freckles, and my nose is tuned up a little bit. Why does it bother me so much to be different? I also considered breast implants, why is always the same thing that we all want? I used to love my body when I was single. Im in a relationship now and Im so insecure. I feel like I want to please him all the time with the way I look. He reassures me everyday. It gotten to the point that I call him a liar! He doesnt deserve to be treated like that, I know I just react to my insecurities. It isn't fair to him at all. He loves me for a reason. I hav e a good amount of guy friends and I asked one of them today what his opinion was. He said "it isnt fair for women to angry at a man for looking at women. Women look at other women all the time. The human body is like a piece of art. It's beautiful and it deserves attention. How often does women watch movies just to see Orlando Bloom or Russel Crow. We are all the same, it's human nature, men are just more open, accepting and less emotional about the subject." It helped me on some level but still I have questions. I wish I didnt analyze everything, it only creates more negative thoughts.

I think you need to ease up, and not take things so personally. With the advent of the internet, a lot of men look at ****. Even many women watch **** nowadays. If you are constantly fighting with your husband over such a minor issue (I think it's minor compared to having an affair, alcohol abuse, etc), then you will drive him away. Maybe you can suggest that you watch it together, and make it a romantic, erotic thing. I'm sure your husband will be impressed by your adventurousness and willing to experiment and love you even more

He's not doing to purposely hurt you, nor does he not care about your feelings. However you will continue to feel like he doesn't care, it's very hard to get out of that kind of mentality. Kudos to Cassandra for doing it at least partially. I have a similar thing, not with **** but with other things. Now that I'm on this "road to recovery" I'm catching myself and talking myself out of, saying "she's not perfect, *you* also forget/get selfish/get absorbed sometimes, no-one is perfect." Maybe telling yourself something like that can help? He isn't perfect and he has some visual needs, and you no doubt did things also where you were thinking of yourself first. It's human nature.<br />
<br />
After 1000,000 times of this or other kind of mental re-training we should both be in a better place lol.

Where to start?<br />
How long have you been married?<br />
<br />
Try buying a mag with naked men n see his reaction.<br />
<br />
Don't compare yourself to the pictures of younger women.<br />
<br />
Be happy with who you are. You must please yourself first.

This would hurt me so much. He shouldn't be doing this to you, especially if he sees/knows it hurts and upsets you so much!! You need to tell him that what he's doing is making you feel so bad, because otherwise it'll continue, and you don't want this to affect the way you think about yourself like this!!<br />
YOU are most probably more beautiful that any of the tramps he looks at in those pictures, and any air brushed 18 year old is nothing on a real woman!!<br />
Real beauty is much better than the fake stuff you see in magazines!! Don't get a boob job, because it's an entire waste of money!! You shouldn't feel the need to have surgery to mimic the girls in these magazines, because they are truly more ugly than any real woman.

I also feel very strongly about this. My husband does the same thing, but at work. We would take his little playstation portable to work and view *********** websites on his down time. I came across it one day and was very annoyed and he isn't sure why because I look fine. I know he compares the girls he looks at to me and know I don't even come close to what they have to offer visually. He says I look good, but when I look at myself in the mirror I look like a chipmunk - with big puffy cheeks. I am disgusted with myself and I try to diet and change the way I look and dress, but I never feel better. It's so frustrating.

I feel exactly the same as you ! I tell my boyfriend it hurts me that he likes to look at pictures. Now he tries to hide it so i find myself searching to see what he has been looking at. I hate myself for it! I do trust him i just feel ugly and a nothing when he looks at these pictures. I started saving for a boob job and was hoping the doctor might be able to give me the op on the NHS so it will be cheaper. <br />
It hurts me sooo much that i find it hard to go out. I think that everyone thinks i am ugly and weird because i become shy and can't hold a conversation.

Hi,<br />
I am probably quite a bit older than you. I used to react very strongly about stuff like that. That is the low self esteem acting up. For me it also came down to him not caring about my feelings. What I have just recently learned is try not to take it as personally against you. All this stuff used to drive me crazy. Now I have taken the attitude "who cares" "so what". I detach from those emotions. If you cannot change him then change yourself by the way you think. Don't take it personally and try to ignore it. It does take time. I am at about 60%. Also because I know that it bothers me I tell my husband not to tell me things that bother me. Or I do not put myself into a position to see things that bother me.<br />
Hope this helps.<br />
Cassandra