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Why I Am the Way I Am

When I was eight years old I went to live with my bio mom and her husband. She had left my dad when I was three months old. I never saw her after that until I was eight, and then I wanted to go live with her and hounded and guilt tripped my dad until he let me. About a month after I moved in, my mother held me down while my step dad shot me full of heroine(just to see what would happen). Then she held me while he raped me and then she licked the blood up. They were into drugs REALLY bad. Well they started to sell my body to their friends for drugs, and of course to ease the pain, I started to drink and take the drugs also. I live in this environment until I was thirteen. All the time, I wasn't allowed to see my dad. He did come by one day and wanted to take me out to eat and my step dad put a gun to his head right in front of me and said he would kill him if he ever came back. So my dad left. The next day I went to school ( I was in the seventh grade) and I got into a fight on the school bus. I was sure that when they called me into the office, that the bus driver turned me in. Come to find out, the bus driver called my dad and told him i was drunk and high on the bus and that he could come to the school and get me. So when I walked into the office, I was shocked, happy, scared, nervous, you name it that is what I was. So my dad took me straight to rehab. I spent six months in rehab and now I am clean. I have been clean for a long time. I married my first husband when I was 17. the marriage lasted for two years of physical abuse, 3 miscarriages, and a lot of emotional abuse. Then I married my second husband when i was 21. He ended up being worse than my first husband. He raped me repeatedly in front of our children, and he even abused them and that was when I left. He is now in prison for first degree murder and I have no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed, I would have ended up dead also. That marriage only lasted a year. Then I was alone for around 6 years. I had to prove to myself that I could do it on my own. I went to college and got a degree in cartography/geography. Then just last year I married my wonderful, considerate, compassionate husband. We dated for a LONG time and lived to gether even longer before I would accept a proposal. I told him that he had boundaries to live by and he respects them. (not that he would ever do what the others have. he is wonderful). So now I have 4 kids, live on a big farm, and i also have a wonderful family. My only prob now is that my grandma and my parents (dad and stepmom) tell me that everything that happened to me is my fault. Even when I was a kid. They say that if i hadn't begged to live with my bio mom, it would never have happened. They also say that the marriages I went into on my own and I got what came to me. They are very unsupportive and my husband is all I have for support. Due to my past I have been diagnosed with PTSD, panic disorder, anxiety disorder, Agoraphobia, Borderline personality disorder, and severe depression. the depression has lessened but I am still suffering. The only person i can talk to is my husband, and on my real bad days, he stays home from work to take care of the kids and make sure i take my meds (cause i am convinced i don't need them when i am bad). So any help would be great. Thanks, Jackiem
jackiem jackiem 31-35, F 1 Response Sep 29, 2007

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Oh i think life it's SO COMPLICATE! but finally it's BEAUTIFUL it's like you need to be hurted to be happy well everything has a reward and i thing if i was in my very bad day i will thanks god because life it's what life's are so no matter what happen YOU WILL BE HAPPY, if you were good, or if you don't you can be sorry but for heart and then you can be A LOOOOOOOOONG TIME FOREVER BE HAPPY, well everyone has bad days and has error but f you don't get wrong you will never learn.