I Feel So Empty

This group is so me...reflecting on my life I never thought much of myself.  Maybe naturally shy but dealing with childhood experiences where my mom made no attention to me made me grow up to be a woman with no self esteem. I tried to blend in but it never worked.  I always felt like an outsider trying to get somebody's attention but going unnoticed.

I don't want to go into too much now only because I want to get better.  I want to develop deep relationships with people.  I want a BFF...as silly as that may seem at almost 50 years old.  I have no siblings, my parents are both deceased and I have a drug addict husband.  People literally look past me like I am invisible.

So...I am reaching out.  What has worked for you?  I can make small talk or at least start a conversation but it is always very surface conversation.  I don't know how to act or do things where people want to be around me.  Life gets pretty lonely when you are a party of 1.

Interesting thing was told to me...and this is where I guess people don't notice me much.  I ran into a person that works in my dept.  (It's pretty big around 70 people).  I don't normally deal with this person..other than the occasional talk at the coffee station.  She asked me yesterday if everything was OK.  Not wanting to tell her what is really going on...I said I am doing OK.  Then she mentioned a couple of weeks ago she asked one of my co-workers if everything was OK with me because I must have looked sad/mad or something.  My  co-worker said I was fine.  Now, she didn't mention any names but nobody in my dept has come to ask what is going on or if anything was wrong.  Some people know about my personal life...the others don't.

I understand I must sound like a broken record regarding my marriage...so I don't normally say anything.  But if someone is literally in tears at her desk...I would hope somebody would notice or at least care. 

iluvchocolate3 iluvchocolate3
46-50, F
May 22, 2012