I've been a real ****y person the past two years. I pretty much lost my mind. I don't know what caused it, my life just felt like it crumbled and I lost my fight. Really there is no excuse to be such a ****y person..I realized just how low of a person I had become and I don't like that fact. I need to right my wrongs. I know some of my wrongs will never be forgiven by those I've hurt. They have every right to deny me. I was not a good friend and a very unhealthy person. The best start for helping me has been this site and letting go of my past, releasing my hurt.
It's down right hard to live with yourself once you've opened your eyes to what a *** you've been to people that didn't deserve such actions, however intentional or unintentional they have been. After living nearly all my life with such pain..distrust...just nothingness; I ask myself this.."Why would I act just like those people that have hurt me? How can I just drift away like that?" I have no clear answer. I don't want to be that person and I hate that some people view me so.
I have always lived to please or try to please others. After no one found any worth in me...did I lose my self worth? YES!'s a shame. I let those who tried to destroy me fight for everything gone..I lived up to the emotional abuse. Now after making many mistakes I must better myself in all aspects of life. I can not think of having a healthy relationship with others until I am healthy myself. Loneliness is nothing new to me, nor strange. I can live with loneliness.
I have yet to figure out how to live with the concept of love or appreciation..thosefeelings are strange, scarry...everyone I loved just left me and that's been my biggest fear since I was young. This is what I have to get over..and it's damn hard alone with such a messed up state of mind.
I will not make any excuse for the hurt I've caused. I know damn well whats right and wrong. I will say I'm sorry; Sorry for the pain, Sorry for putting you through the situation, Sorry for being a ****y person. I know saying sorry will not make up for the wrongs I have done. I just want everyone to know I am truly sorry and I've seen my errors. I will never mistreat myself or anyone ever again.
I hope, pray even that those people can accept my appololgy. Maybe I will never get the chance to tell them or another chance at their friendship, but I must live with myself. I have been my worst critic and that person I was for two years was nothing like me, but shattered pieces of a lost soul. I'm sorry you were the one to witness me at my worst. I'm so sorry for the hurt.
halfdead25 halfdead25
26-30, F
Jan 16, 2013