Lived A Lie all my life

i have been living a lie.  for the past 32years and since the past 15 years i am living a lifestyle that does not reflect my real values.  I went back to college to do a paralegal diploma

and was so happy that was in 2002-3 that was about the only spring of the last 15 years.  my life just went mental when my sisters marriage broke up.

she was in and out of mental institutions and came back home to live and was a basket case yelling and arguing all the time.

I tried like crazy to stick with uni and i used to talk to my lecturers in private rooms about my home life and all the child abuse upsets.

she suggested i give up uni for a while come back later, i didn't want to let go of study- it was the thing that gave me confidence about myself.

i dreamed of meeting a nice man a uni while doing law and craved a social out let but uni  is very isolated cuz everyone is just so busy studying they have no time for a personall life. my honest opinion is i would have got thru if some nice guy had of treated me nice and asked me out, but there was no-one.

i hate my lifestyle cuz i look like a looser and i am. failed law school and no career, but bit by bit i am steppingg up, and trying to find a better life.

I left school young and have always been down on myself about that but I did try to improve that doing back to tafe and getting into uni.

I just got to get back up again gradually.more fun and a p/t job that is enjoyable. the biggest mistake I made was trusting a guy I was liking heaps and he betrayed the trust and also I was raped by a married man. I was a virgin and totally in experienced, what a fool to trust. haven't had sex since him and its been 10 years now.  I made a mistake mixing with people who were the wrong type - I got into a group from a film course and they just wrecked my life.

I hope I learn from my mistakes. god please help me make better decisions and choices.

My biggest mistakes were trusting the wrong people, unfortunately people don't go around wearing t-shirts that say "I'm a compulsive liar" or "I am a rapist" or "I am a mental case basher"  and that was my biggest mistake trusting scum, frauds and a man that ended up raping me. 

Can you now see why I had to leave my last job once I picked up bad vibes and what a **** trevor was and michelle witch. 

I made a big mistake trusting rick and now once again I made a mistake with nick.  he was always the arsehole towards me.  and rena also. 

I just have to get away from them.  I absolutely hate them for what they have cost me, what did I ever do to you nick? rena for you to be so evil and mongrol to me. there's no excuses.  I thought you were wonderful, nick I thought you were but you wronged me.

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 7, 2010

fleece...Your life is no different than many others. You've had your ups and downs, but from what I've read, I think that you are on the way up.<br />
You are in no way a failure, unless you yourself say you are. Look at the good that is inside you and build on that, and above all else, never let anyone tell you that you are a failure. They don't know what's inside you are what your capabilities are.