The Other Side Of The Glass

Hi,
My name is Karl. Having read your self analysis I can honestly tell you that you are not on your own here, and that in fact, a considerable part of the isolation you're feeling is because you are extremely intelligent. I draw this conclusion because you have a good grasp on your situation, and that your responses about your use of 'I', for example, are measured and thoughtful (something alot of people are incapable of). As it stands, it sounds like you're a great person to know and genuine also. That last word, however, seems to be somewhat problematic these days, as broadly speaking, I'm not sure people want to cogitate on what 'truth' or 'reality' mean or represent anymore? The 'reality' is, there is no reality other than your own experiences and understanding - and that people, from my own experiences and readings anyway, want to be fooled; they want to be distracted, and they want to be duped by an unobtainable fantasy that is dangled before them like a carrot on a stick. The worst part is, when the fantasy becomes a reality, it then loses its power, and eventually becomes part of the day to day drudgery. It sounds absurd, but a fantasy provides the ultimate distraction from the pains of living, or again, the realities of death. I suppose when mass culture fuels this - and someone like yourself looks on - you're bound to feel like the last human on earth; condemned to a state of transcendental homelessness. I could be entirely wrong here as well, and it would be really ignorant of me to assume that you felt this way.
As for my own experiences, when I was young, I fell into a 'depression', or a state of numb hopelessness that would span my entire adult life - even to this day. As I've gotten older though, I feel like I know myself far better than I ever did. I guess when the 'black dog' hits (as Churchill called it), I can take measured action that is at least like fitting boards on the window when a storm hits. In this case, it'd be, to use the analogy of weather again, like stopping the fog from completely blinding me. A great deal of these measures would include reading and writing. Even if you're by yourself, as I often was (and still am on the whole), reading helps you to reconnect. Maybe try reading something different too - throw it out there a bit. Maybe try George Gissing 'In the Year of Jubilee' or some of the Victorian classics? It's always great to reach an alternative perspective other than your own. It sounds like a cliche also, but writing is cathartic in the sense that it gets these thoughts of aloneness out of your head and onto the page. When they take a physical form you can then re-order your mind to some extent - make better decisions, rather than try putting order to the maelstrom in your head. Another cliche too, although perhaps the best one of them all, which really does help, is exercise. If you feel low, force yourself to get out and walk somewhere. You may not feel like it at the time, but you have to be tough with yourself, parent yourself, and do what's best for the childish part of your mind that wants to resist. It's always easier to self destruct than self construct (although you know that anyway), sometimes we just need reminding. Finally, it took me until I was 27 to start doing something with my life when I started attending college. I didn't know where it would lead, and those first few tentative steps were, if I'm being totally honest, as frightening as hell. A week of nervousness, tension, sleepless nights, cold sweats etc etc, and all of those other variables that initially appear as being capable of writing you off in a heartbeat, are illusions. It souds a bit cheesy to be honest, but I sincerely believe that most things in this life are illusions. From peoples confidence, to their bravado, these states are illusions. Therefore, in the name of Guns n Roses (here comes the cheesy part) Use your Illusion!! Best of luck, you can rise above all this in time..... and it'll be worth it!!