When I was just a baby my parents have told me that I did this thing we call "flapping", where I would sit in my high chair and flap my arms around and rock back and forth. It almost led them to believe I was mentally disabled. But not so. I'm (supposedly) mentally healthy and normal but I have come to my own conclusion that I have maladaptive daydreaming.
Now, over time, it has evolved. Obviously when I was a baby I didn't know why I was doing it but as I got older and learned to walk around and read etc I remember I used to do it all the time. I'd sort of frantically move my arms and run around the room. I very often did it while a picture or a picture book was open and resting somewhere, since it would give me ideas to fuel my imagination.
But I still haven't explained why I did this. It took I while for me to realize that this isn't something everybody does. There was a reason my parents thought it so strange. I would run around and move myself and immediately fill my head with images and play out scenes in my head, so very vivid. I would escape into a world of fantasy where anything could happen for maybe an hour or so and even though I must've looked quite stupid from the outside I loved it so much. It got to be a favorite pastime.
I never did it in front of people. I couldn't, it was too distracting. Especially as I got older. I have never even been able to do it with my dog in the room.
It never stops evolving. As I've gotten older it's changed but not gone away. I don't talk about it to my parents anymore. Nobody knows I do it. I'm a teenager now. I don't run around the room flapping my arms wildly to a picture book. I usually take an hour (sometimes even many hours) at night, which seems to be when my imagination is most active, to just put in my earphones and listen to music and pace around the room. I'll just go back and forth until my actual environment fades out and I see complex films unraveling before my mind's eye, and that's all I can think about. I imagine every detail, every sound, everything flows with the music.
I don't like to consider myself a romantic person, I suppose more of a hopeless romantic. I've struggled with being depressed, ugly and worthless my whole life so I doubt I'll ever find love. I would be a terrible girlfriend, let alone wife. It's hard enough for me to talk to people. So in the daytime I put on this harsh facade to make people believe I'm not sad and lonely, and I've done it so long I start to believe it's really me. But then when it gets dark and I start to listen to some music and pace around the room everything changes.
Absolutely all of my daydreams are romantic. The subject of my romantic affections vary, and so does the story but I will play out dramatic tales of love and devotion in my head, from every word to every touch. I know, it sounds creepy.
That being said, my daydreams are never sexual. For some reason I've never wanted to have sex with anyone. To me it just sounds sweaty and awkward and gross. I'd much rather cuddle on the couch or play video games together or something. So at least it's not that creepy.
I know most people don't have maladaptive daydreaming... But I've often wondered whether anyone's ever thought about me when I'm not there. Whether anyone's ever spent their night daydreaming about me. And I imagine not, because having never had an actual romantic relationship and being so clearly desperate to have one, I tend to get a bit obsessive. More than a normal person should do.
For example, last night. I spent what just have been three hours listening to music and pacing around the room daydreaming an entire romantic relationship from first date to marriage with this kid I barely know from school.
I would be frightened of myself but it's just so enjoyable.
pretendingagain pretendingagain
18-21, F
Aug 23, 2014