Married 28 Yrs, 52 Years Old And Don't Know If I Expect Too Much.

I have been married 28 years. Most of them have been a struggle which I take equal responsibility for. I came from a very dysfunctional family, and had and continue to, work on a lot of issues. In the last 10 years, after I went back to work full-time with 3 school age kids, my husband started to make derogatory sexual comments about me in public. We went to 3 different marriage counselors and he continues with the behavior. In the last 5 months he has gotten 4 speeding tickets and now I am concerned he will lose his license. He has a good job and we live in a fairly rural area so he won't be able to take a bus to work. My parents were from another country, so I have no older relatives to get words of wisdom from. I am currently going to a counselor and will talk about this at my next appt. but any advice woud be appreciated.
Thanks,
Gila
Celtie Celtie
51-55
7 Responses Dec 8, 2012

Our past need not define our future. Yes to some degree are all products of our past, yet the wonderful thing about life is we are able to choose how we want that past to impact our present or mold our future. The key word is choose. We not be victims of our dysfunctional past....yes it take effort and often counseling is helpful, yet I am of the opinion the largest part of breaking out of that mold is the decision to not stay there and refusing to allow others to keep us there.
My point here is "we assumed it was me" <<<< Is BS! We all come through life and accumulate scars and baggage.....yet the scars fade with time and the baggage is as easy to get rid of as just refusing to carry it! You are as capable of love, romance, passion, and the myriad of human emotions as any other. Why not define you? Do not let him define who or what you are.

aucado54
Thank you for your wise words. Right now I am the only one going to counseling because he won't go. The counselor has made the same statements to me as you have. I think I am finally realizing that he has issues he is not willing to deal with and because of my family background, he and I, always thought it was me.

It is bothersome to me that he feels it "OK" to demean you in public especially making untoward remarks with sexual content. Regardless if he loses his license or not the fact he is demonstrating such irresponsible behavior seems to speak to other emotional issues going on with in him. You mention counseling yet I don't believe the honesty necessary to achieve effective and long-lasting results from counseling has been present in the sessions....if it had I don't believe your relationship would suffer these frequent "relapses".<br />
I am of the opinion the issues in this relationship are more his than yours. <br />
Often in an attempt to sustain a relationship with a spouse many of us take on more responsibility for the dysfunction of the relationship than is our fair share (I am speaking from experience).

I can't imagine what you are going through. I have only been married since July. And, I am lucky enough to have an amazing husband... but, you sound very alone and I understand that feeling too. Do something for yourself. Your a woman and we women are strong.

Thanks KayP19. It is hard to give up a marriage after 28 years and 3 children even if it is the right thing to do. I need to be more courageous.

Thanks KayP19. It is hard to give up a marriage after 28 years and 3 children even if it is the right thing to do. I need to be more courageous.

I wish I had amazing advice to fix your marriage. Every woman deserves a great husband. But, with your situation it sounds like you should do what would make you happy. Wheather its moving on without your husband or maybe seeing how he wants thinks you guys could be happy together again....but, over all you should do something better for youself. Because, you are the only person that can make a difference in your life. :) I hope things get better for you.