Underneath It All

For my whole life I've suffered from DID better known as multiple personality disorder. If your not sure what it is I've had extreme trauma as a child sexual, physical and emotional abuse that's caused me to develop what others like to call alter-egos, but the difference is this when the others come out i have no idea what they have done, said it's 5 ppl sharing one body, they all have different names dress differently as well even have different eye colors. Now this could sound crazy to most but to me its what I need to make it through the day, what people of society can handle normally I can not it takes one of my alters to handle the situation for me. Example for the first time in my life i walked into a group setting and instead of my alters scanning the room to figure out what placement the other people in the setting would be put in I MYSELF decided to let everyone get to know me instead of the alters this takes lots of meds, therapy. Along with not allowing the alters to express themselves caused me great pain for i let ppl in befriend me get to know me the real me that's why I have the others to keep me from heartache, disappointments, criticism realtionships extra. I'll never be one person I tried it I had my switching from person to person somewhat controlled but unhappy for alters knew what was happening and BAM broke my trust as the main person that is always seen set me back tremendously. Now everything sets back into motion, I am ok with never being one person never being whole.
beautifulblue beautifulblue
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 22, 2010

Hi Beautifulblue.. It's not alter egos, each person is a separate entity which helps keep the body alive. Are you the host? or is the host lost and you are the main entity that plays the host?<br />
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What I have found that works for others with MPD is that they keep a journal, and everyone writes in it. This way everyone knows what everyone is doing. They can actually hear you speak, see what you write etc, if you are the host, they are exercising more control over you than they should. But perhaps you as the host is not ready to take that over yet, or at all. Keeping a journal, each of you will know the names of others, and whether they are all female, or if there are any male's included. It is quite normal if there are males, as they serve to protect and guide usually.<br />
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I personally don't view you as having a mental disorder, I view you as fighting for life and being aware that you are doing it differently than most. There may be more than just the 5 you are aware of.. <br />
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Take care