Trying To Fill That Hole.

My mommy issue is that I am constantly trying to find a connection with other women. Most women are really competitive and catty (at least from what I have seen) and I am not like that at all. When I do find a female friend, I can't bear to lose her. I hate it when they fade away or I realize that I don't mean as much to them as they do to me. It's like being abandoned all over again. My husband says it is a good thing I am not all competitive, vindictive, and jealous the way a lot of other women are, but it's because of that hole I keep trying to fill. I tried to fill that hole with my mother-in-law, but in the end, she is still a mother-in-law. I have these female professors in college and I always wonder what it would have been like to have been their kid. When they talk about their daughters, I get so jealous.

My Mom wasn't really a Mom. I don't know what it's like to have a normal Mom. When I was 11 or so, her and my Dad split up. I was raised by my Dad along with my other 3 siblings. She bobbed around for a couple of years living in a couple other states and then eventually moved back to our area and we started seeing her every other weekend or so. It wasn't much of a visit when we did see her because she would spend a majority of the time in her room sleeping. That, or she would have some scuzzy guy over that she was currently with.

The only other woman I ever saw my Dad with is the same woman he as been with for 14 years now; and that was after he had done some dating on his own (us kids weren't subjected to seeing these women he dated at all) and he knew that they would be together for a long time. My Dad also refused to get married again until us kids were all out of the house; he said us kids came first.

Anyway, I didn't like it when these random guys were over; I didn't know them and didn't trust them. The one thing I can say about my Mom that was a blessing is that she was never verbally or physically abusive - she didn't put me down or beat the crap out of me. But, she was just THERE. I always felt like I was more of the adult than she was. She was always more concerned about her own life than us kids. What it all comes down to is this pervading feeling of abandonment.

AzaleaElise AzaleaElise
26-30, F
Jan 15, 2012