So It Is Real

Well... At first I thought I was just being a kid having an active imagination. I remember I had headaches. They were pounding and intense. I also would wake up in different places. It wasn't until I was 12 until things became really complicated. When I was 12, I would look through notebooks and find writing that was not mine. Slightly off, slightly jagged. . .just different. So I decided to reply one day, several days later I got one in return. It read "I am You". I have no memory of writing this. Then it was just little things, like I would go to get a drink, then the next thing I knew I was down the street playing with my friends. I tried to tell my Mom which just increased my therapy. My friends all knew about it when I was a kid, they thought I was crazy or just making it up. It got really bad when I was 13 and my cousin Amy and her family moved in. She was staying in my room and we were sharing a bed. I got really dizzy, and the next thing I knew my cousin was telling me that I said I was Lindsey. Then I would keep getting headaches and dizzy and then Amie (different from my cousin) would come out. Lindsey was Amie's sister. Lindsey was older. Amie was a beautiful blond model. Lindsey was more stable and grounded. This happend for three years. Then I met my first serious boyfriend, Mike. At this time I was convinced that Amie was real. There was also a Carlos. He was Spanish. Mike thought that Amie was real. After the first year of being with Mike, this had stopped. It started again when I was with my ex-husband, Dan. This was four years later. He demanded sex from me and this triggered repressed memories of my past childhood sexual abuse. There was writing that I didn't write, and Dan always commented that I was like two different people. After I had my youngest daughter, Sara with Dan, the MPD got serverly worse. It was now Megan, and she was here to stay. Dan even remarked that my voice became different and asked why. I spent many hours on the computer trying to avoid him. I at this time thought that Megan was real. I then met Sondra. I had become Megan and was talking to Sondra on the computer. I wanted Sondra and being Megan, I was a confident ******** that could have her. What confused me was that I had no idea that Megan wasn't real. I found out Megan wasn't real by accident. Sondra and I have been together for awhile when I found out. The relationship with Sondra has always been rocky. At these rocky times, the MPD is at it's worse. While Sondra was working one night, I sat at the computer and the next thing I knew it was three hours later, I was on the IM and Megan has been writing. I have told Sondra this, I still wonder if she believes me. The next time it happend, I was having a flashback of past trauma and I became a child. Several months later it happend again and I thought it was May 17th. I even have clear memory of laying down because I had a headache. I woke up and it's THREE months later. I have no memory from May to present. I apparently have changed into one or more personalities. My wife noticed how withdrawn I was. That I was very untruthful. I question if I have had sexual activity with others because I spent the night away. I HAVE NO MEMORY OF IT AT ALL. Sondra had no idea where I was, I wouldn't tell her. Last night, I woke Sondra up and talked to her as Amie. Amie said that her and the other Alters were here to protect me. I'm afraid that the therapist is going to lock me up. I don't know when this will happen again and I don't know what has caused it. I am afraid to go to sleep. Who will I become this time. . .
ciytkittynh ciytkittynh
2 Responses Aug 13, 2010

No one will lock you up.Just continue with therapy and try to be kind and loving to yourself. Tell yourself daily "I Love You." Believe in yourself and accept these alters. tell them you accept them.

Oh my... You need to get a like therapist that stays near you all day not the one you're having, or a video man near you with a video camera that records your actions and personalities, show it to everyone and they'll try to cure your DID/ MPD as soon as possible... May you be well sooon. <br />