I Have Multiple Personality Disorder
I have been struggling with writing this for a while and hope that maybe putting this into words will help some one help me to know where to go. My parents named me but I shed that name YEARS ago when I decided to let my alter live life for us. I was molested at a young age by my grandfather and repressed it...I was raped by my uncle at 11 and that night I split but again repressed it. 5 years later I found out that he had been molesting his daughters and the knowledge and guilt broke down my walls. My mother and her sister made excuses for what this man had done to me and his daughters and it made me so mad I wanted to kill. No one wanted to deal with what he had done to me and in fact called me a liar.
At 16 I began having memory losses and my mother telling me what a good daughter I had been why couldn’t I just behave…My alter was the perfect daughter, able to accept my mother and what she allowed to happen to us when all I wanted was revenge for what was stolen from me. I tried to kill myself and that was the first time my alternate took control…she saved us and ended us in a padded room in the special hospital. We were diagnosed there as having multiple personalities when I came out during therapy and told my mother what I really thought of her and threw her name back in her face…I demanded to be called Jasmine.
My alter took control and comforted my mother and made things better…she cleaned up my mess and got us out of the hospital. For years I did things to hurt my mother, to make her cry for her part in covering up what had happened to me. Each time my alter came out to clean it up and make it better.
My father never believed me and always did and said hurtful things to me…always acting as if he hated me and even going so far as to say so on occasions….I wanted to kill him and yet she keep me from it. To say I have “daddy issues” would be an understatement. My alternate kept us in school, maintained relationships, and kept my life from going down hill. In time I gained control, fell in love and got married…he turned out to be abusive. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even think of coming back home to my family. My alter who by now went by my given name picked up the pieces and brought us back to the family, got a job and moved on.
I regained control and began clubbing and dating and thought I had a handle on life until I realized I was pregnant and with 3 men being a possible father and not having the balls to explain to them what I had done. Again my alter cleaned up my mess and made things and helped me to get through the first 4 months without harming myself or the baby. I fell in love for what I thought was the final time only to realize 6 months after my baby was born that he was using me and cheating on me…this was the first time I knowingly forced her out and hide away…unable to face trying to live a life or loving anymore.
I stayed away only to wake up involved with someone my alter felt was good for us. I didn’t do love anymore…it hurt to much but she was stronger than me having been out for so long. I committed us to the hospital and she came out and took us out. I next woke up pregnant, engaged, and packing to move to be with this person….I stayed out long enough to break it up but a car accident caused a miscarriage and me to lose conscience.
I woke up months later married to this man who seemed to love us and my daughter. She had told this man about us and he seemed to think she was joking. I didn’t want to be with this man and have tired for years to get rid of him with no luck. She always pulls me back in and they go on. Although over the last years I have come out to have great sex with him mostly because I know it annoys her and freaks him out.
Over the last 3 years she has started taking us to therapy and we have unlocked our separate memories and other things I have repressed but no other alters have shown up which just leaves us. She wanted to integrate thinking she was the original and quickly changed her mind once she realized just how much I had kept to myself. We have come to enjoy being able to communicate with each other and respecting what the other contributes. I take care of her when she can no longer take care of us. She deals with the raising of the children we have given birth to (she had 2 more with this man she married).
However the reason for writing this now…her mother ( yes this is how I have come to view the woman who gave birth to me) now lives with us and while close family knows about our disorder she chooses to pretend that nothing truly bad happened to us and that we should be over it by now. My alters’ husband also wants us to be integrated and doesn’t even try to understand that we need each other.
I still have anger issues and issues with expressing any emotion outside of indifference, mistrust, and hostility. I have personal space issues and freak if you put me in a dentist chair which makes it difficult for her to have me raging inside. I don’t enjoy “making love” and prefer to have just sex and to get up when done. However with all that said it makes me no less important than my alter and my desire to live no less real than hers. Just because I choose not to “live” a 24/7 life and the emotional entanglements that go with it doesn’t mean that I should be forced to go to sleep and never come back.
Is there anyone here that lives like this or can relate to my story at all?
At 16 I began having memory losses and my mother telling me what a good daughter I had been why couldn’t I just behave…My alter was the perfect daughter, able to accept my mother and what she allowed to happen to us when all I wanted was revenge for what was stolen from me. I tried to kill myself and that was the first time my alternate took control…she saved us and ended us in a padded room in the special hospital. We were diagnosed there as having multiple personalities when I came out during therapy and told my mother what I really thought of her and threw her name back in her face…I demanded to be called Jasmine.
My alter took control and comforted my mother and made things better…she cleaned up my mess and got us out of the hospital. For years I did things to hurt my mother, to make her cry for her part in covering up what had happened to me. Each time my alter came out to clean it up and make it better.
My father never believed me and always did and said hurtful things to me…always acting as if he hated me and even going so far as to say so on occasions….I wanted to kill him and yet she keep me from it. To say I have “daddy issues” would be an understatement. My alternate kept us in school, maintained relationships, and kept my life from going down hill. In time I gained control, fell in love and got married…he turned out to be abusive. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t even think of coming back home to my family. My alter who by now went by my given name picked up the pieces and brought us back to the family, got a job and moved on.
I regained control and began clubbing and dating and thought I had a handle on life until I realized I was pregnant and with 3 men being a possible father and not having the balls to explain to them what I had done. Again my alter cleaned up my mess and made things and helped me to get through the first 4 months without harming myself or the baby. I fell in love for what I thought was the final time only to realize 6 months after my baby was born that he was using me and cheating on me…this was the first time I knowingly forced her out and hide away…unable to face trying to live a life or loving anymore.
I stayed away only to wake up involved with someone my alter felt was good for us. I didn’t do love anymore…it hurt to much but she was stronger than me having been out for so long. I committed us to the hospital and she came out and took us out. I next woke up pregnant, engaged, and packing to move to be with this person….I stayed out long enough to break it up but a car accident caused a miscarriage and me to lose conscience.
I woke up months later married to this man who seemed to love us and my daughter. She had told this man about us and he seemed to think she was joking. I didn’t want to be with this man and have tired for years to get rid of him with no luck. She always pulls me back in and they go on. Although over the last years I have come out to have great sex with him mostly because I know it annoys her and freaks him out.
Over the last 3 years she has started taking us to therapy and we have unlocked our separate memories and other things I have repressed but no other alters have shown up which just leaves us. She wanted to integrate thinking she was the original and quickly changed her mind once she realized just how much I had kept to myself. We have come to enjoy being able to communicate with each other and respecting what the other contributes. I take care of her when she can no longer take care of us. She deals with the raising of the children we have given birth to (she had 2 more with this man she married).
However the reason for writing this now…her mother ( yes this is how I have come to view the woman who gave birth to me) now lives with us and while close family knows about our disorder she chooses to pretend that nothing truly bad happened to us and that we should be over it by now. My alters’ husband also wants us to be integrated and doesn’t even try to understand that we need each other.
I still have anger issues and issues with expressing any emotion outside of indifference, mistrust, and hostility. I have personal space issues and freak if you put me in a dentist chair which makes it difficult for her to have me raging inside. I don’t enjoy “making love” and prefer to have just sex and to get up when done. However with all that said it makes me no less important than my alter and my desire to live no less real than hers. Just because I choose not to “live” a 24/7 life and the emotional entanglements that go with it doesn’t mean that I should be forced to go to sleep and never come back.
Is there anyone here that lives like this or can relate to my story at all?
By:
JasHappens
Age:
36-40
,
Female
