A Beautiful Evil.I've never done anything like this before as far as sharing my experience with my disorder.. but i NEED help and advice on how to go about what im going through.
Ever since I was little I heard voices in my head-multiple voices- that all talk at once about EVERYTHING. Everything meaning my every thought-ever. I was diagnosed at a young age with ADD, then Depression, then Bi-polar, then Schizo, and now whatever this is.. I am 18 years old, just keep that in mind.
But since I've been hearing these voices since I was little it seems like I have become very good friends with them. There are a few of these 'voices' and each has its own role in my head. Some are protective/guardians, some are evil, and some are just there to fight against each other. They are always bickering and fighting with each other.. they never agree. They have never been scary or tell me to do bad things.. well the 'good' voices always over-rule the 'bad' voices, thats how its been my entire life. Up until a few months ago, then everything changed.
My 'bad' voices have been getting louder and stronger than my 'good' voices, telling me to do things like run my car into a wall or something like that to try and hurt myself. But I got out of that voice's thinking after my oh-so-quiet 'good' voice convinced me otherwise. It was a close call, but he (the good voice) saved me from that thought.
Lately its been hard to distinguish MY voice from the other voices.. the 'bad' one is overpowering whatever is left of my own thoughts. TODAY though, the 'bad' voice got HER chance to come out and play in my personality/actions. she even got a name, Jessica. now, Jessica is the evil one, keep in mind. I was getting yelled at by my parents today and i got so mad to the point of '**** it i might as well just die'.. thats when Jessica showed herself.
I went from almost in tears to having a subtle grin on my face and feeling like a switch had been turned.. the switch was, in fact, Jessica coming out to play. She made me smile, perked my body up a little bit, and then decided to stop fighting with my parents and just accept what they were saying. it seems almost as though she's peaceful. but her thoughts, they are evil. evil as in thinking of saying to my parents, "you are fools for trying to control ME. how DARE you try and control me.." that was jessica talking. I subtly ended the convorsation with my parents and got stuck in my head like usual, but this time Jessica was the one who had the upperhand with my voices, which included MY own voice.
The fighting in my head began again, with me being the one saying 'whatever is ruling me right now is evil, I must over-rule it. her.' I know she's evil. But she is so enticing and tempting, she tells me, "it wouldnt be a bad idea to let me over-rule you.. so why not give it a shot?" "I may be evil but my intentions for you are good." she says.
SEE this is my dilemma, do I give her a chance? or should i take meds or something to make her disappear? Is she really as evil as she feels? i havent been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder because I havent seen/told my doctor about this, but it sure as hell FEELS like i have multiple personalities. Ecspecially how Jessica came out today..
I am 18 years old. My brain is not fully developed yet. And if what they say about how the brain doesnt stop developing til your 25 is true, then that means there is more to come with this illness.. In that case I cant figure out if I should be SCARED or EXCITED.