A Beautiful Evil.

I've never done anything like this before as far as sharing my experience with my disorder.. but i NEED help and advice on how to go about what im going through.

Ever since I was little I heard voices in my head-multiple voices- that all talk at once about EVERYTHING. Everything meaning my every thought-ever. I was diagnosed at a young age with ADD, then Depression, then Bi-polar, then Schizo, and now whatever this is.. I am 18 years old, just keep that in mind.

But since I've been hearing these voices since I was little it seems like I have become very good friends with them. There are a few of these 'voices' and each has its own role in my head. Some are protective/guardians, some are evil, and some are just there to fight against each other. They are always bickering and fighting with each other.. they never agree. They have never been scary or tell me to do bad things.. well the 'good' voices always over-rule the 'bad' voices, thats how its been my entire life. Up until a few months ago, then everything changed.

My 'bad' voices have been getting louder and stronger than my 'good' voices, telling me to do things like run my car into a wall or something like that to try and hurt myself. But I got out of that voice's thinking after my oh-so-quiet 'good' voice convinced me otherwise. It was a close call, but he (the good voice) saved me from that thought.

Lately its been hard to distinguish MY voice from the other voices.. the 'bad' one is overpowering whatever is left of my own thoughts. TODAY though, the 'bad' voice got HER chance to come out and play in my personality/actions. she even got a name, Jessica. now, Jessica is the evil one, keep in mind. I was getting yelled at by my parents today and i got so mad to the point of '**** it i might as well just die'.. thats when Jessica showed herself.

I went from almost in tears to having a subtle grin on my face and feeling like a switch had been turned.. the switch was, in fact, Jessica coming out to play. She made me smile, perked my body up a little bit, and then decided to stop fighting with my parents and just accept what they were saying. it seems almost as though she's peaceful. but her thoughts, they are evil. evil as in thinking of saying to my parents, "you are fools for trying to control ME. how DARE you try and control me.." that was jessica talking. I subtly ended the convorsation with my parents and got stuck in my head like usual, but this time Jessica was the one who had the upperhand with my voices, which included MY own voice.

The fighting in my head began again, with me being the one saying 'whatever is ruling me right now is evil, I must over-rule it. her.' I know she's evil. But she is so enticing and tempting, she tells me, "it wouldnt be a bad idea to let me over-rule you.. so why not give it a shot?" "I may be evil but my intentions for you are good." she says.

SEE this is my dilemma, do I give her a chance? or should i take meds or something to make her disappear? Is she really as evil as she feels? i havent been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder because I havent seen/told my doctor about this, but it sure as hell FEELS like i have multiple personalities. Ecspecially how Jessica came out today..

I am 18 years old. My brain is not fully developed yet. And if what they say about how the brain doesnt stop developing til your 25 is true, then that means there is more to come with this illness.. In that case I cant figure out if I should be SCARED or EXCITED.

Thoughts please?
confusedmaygirl1 confusedmaygirl1
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 4, 2012

Hi,<br />
<br />
Mpde is right. An alter will not go away because you take meds. Most people with DID are misdiagnosed as being bi-polar or having schizophrenia. From the way you are describing yourself, I would lean more toward DID. <br />
<br />
The alters I have experience with, that were thought to be evil were actually misunderstood. When someone took time to listen to them they actually became a great part of the system. They are protectors. They can be taught by other alters, better ways to react to things.<br />
<br />
I don't consider DID an illness. To me it is a gift that helped one survive traumatic events in their lives. <br />
<br />
Tell your therapist what is going on. For people with DID it is important to cooperate with each other. Things will go better as whole.<br />
<br />
Do you lose time? Black out? <br />
<br />
Take care,<br />
<br />

how can i control them? they are all fighting right now, how do I make them agree?

All you guys need to learn cooperation. When you do it will be so much better for all in the system. You need to have shared time. Establish boundaries. Communicate with one another. You are all their for one reason and that is to protect the body. Since you are there it is wise to become a group of friends and family. We don't have to like everything about another, but cooperation is a must with DID.

Hello confusedmaygirl1,<br />
<br />
Firstly I would like to say it was brave of you to write your story and I understand it's not easy to do.<br />
Having read this carefully through I would like to answer a few of your questions as best I can.<br />
Jessica bad voice and evil, is she as evil as she feels?<br />
No, in my experience she is acting this way as she is your protector and has deep emotional wounds. Please don't go along with the untruth that she is evil. She probably portrays herself that way to scare people off to protect you.<br />
<br />
Medicine won't make another personality go away at all ever.<br />
<br />
It sounds like MPD known now as DID dissociative identity disorder.<br />
Probably a good idea to tell your Dr and he would refer you to a psychologist but please check that they have experience in dealing with people with this condition once it is confirmed by your Dr.<br />
I have 14 yrs experience in dealing with this subject and anytime you need an ear please send me a message in my in box.<br />
Hope this is of some help to you.

This article is really helpful on giving your inner parts their time:<br />
http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/did-mpd-or-multiplicity-responding-to-parts-inside-with-a-focus-on-the-kids<br />
I think it suggests you can make some rules before you agree to giving them time in your body. My parts are inside only so far, so I can't give advice myself. Best wishes to you. In my opinion Jessica doesn't sound too evil, maybe just rebellious.

I agree rebellious...