Hello World?

(( EDIT: I'm here to introduce the family and myself really, I look forward to being around people I can actually talk to about this. I left out many of the negative things that go on since this is more of an introduction. Its not all fun games of course : / Onwards! ))

This is OsiOsi, you see her, your talking to her. She is me, I am here right now before you. I have a feeling that I am the main core, or perhaps what is left of it. I don't remember my life at all besides what other people, such as family and friends, tell me about myself. It can get incredibly frustrating at times but it also leads me to believe I am not the original 'center' but merely what I evolved into over this last third or so of my life. I am Aurora, and I'm 19 years old, I have Multiple Personality's in my head- all with their own feelings and opinions.

I am not exactly what you expect from the usual though, I am usually Aurora, I am the face and the body, the legal name, who your always think you are talking to. My friends and family- they have no idea what goes on in my head save for the very rare few I will decide to open up to. But sometimes when I am drowning under a tidal wave of emotion and pain something strange will happen to me,

I split.

Instead of just myself up here, I will be four standing strong against the threat against me. Each alter has their own feelings and thoughts, some certainly more opinionated than others. Even having dreams and wishes, but each one of them are a fragment of me in a way. I cannot be completed without all five of them in unison and peace. Either they make Aurora all together or this 'core' I feel I am will only come up to the surface if everything is quiet and peaceful and we all agree.

I don't fully understand this yet myself, I went along in life thinking I was just imagining it. I was being over dramatic, I couldn't actually be that different could I? Though it is hard to believe personally for me that I am indeed 'crazy', I couldn't help but start to accept when my friends came to me and recounted the events that happened, and I was blacked out! Or even weirder, I was there in a way but only watching. Feeling no real need to act or try to control my alter.

At the same time as I was coming to terms with all this I realized, I kinda liked it. Yet to any of my friends, or worse my family, I would be counted as either a fantastic liar or a downright nutcase. I was very afraid to ever mention it. I have always tried to keep myself together, to not let myself go into my alters, I wouldn't even think about it because I was afraid I would 'shatter' myself into the gang again.

Recently though as I am slammed with new pain and heartache in my life it has become a very prevalent thought in my mind again. I don't skin people, or eat babies, or kick little animals in the face, I do not hurt people- is it really such a crime then for me to be a little different? Deep down I am incredibly fond of every alter I have. We are like a very close family and people don't realize that.

Let me take a moment here to introduce the family in here to you,

The first two are my protectors, but that doesn't make them very similar or even agree all the time. Zoesyis (Zo-ee-seu-is, Zoe for short) was the first alter I knew of at least if not the first to appear out of all them. She is also the only one to have a name that is different than the rest. Zoe is fun, sexy, and she knows it. This is one confident chick. She is like the sister I never had, no one would ever stand up for me, I would always be the strong one for my friends. That is was Zoe is best at, she is similar to me in ways, except she is incredibly blunt and honest. She would say things I would be afraid to, I don't like hurting people's feelings. Zoe on the other hand will do it on purpose if they hurt me. Shes vicious like that, and can at times be mischievous even. Shes my age if not a bit older. If I had an 'evil' twin, you would most likely describe Zoesyis.

Then you have on the other side of the coin, Azare. He is the only male, and is also very protective of me and the family, but he isn't as verbally sharp. In fact he speaks very formally, but he would deck someone without remorse if they are a threat to me. He may be quiet- but that doesn't make him weak or even meek for that matter. He is very distrusting, especially of other males, he tries to look past people's outward side and look into them. He pays close attention do what people do to me, verses what they might say. Although he is mature and well educated, hes mostly likely a bit younger than me. Not by much though. Anytime he is the one in control I appear goth and distant unless he wants to check someone out and assess if they are a threat to me or not. That's usually the only time he will purposely be social.

Azora however can be rather social if it is the right time and place for it, another woman in my mind, she is older and more mature than the others. Not as quick to react (Or in some of their cases explode) to other people. She is calm and collected, like a peace maker of the group. She wouldn't let someone walk all over her but she will resolve things quietly. Azora knows when it is silly to continue a fight or even start one. A lot of things she just lets slide because she knows better. Also seems to deeply enjoy anything relating to nature and Buddhism but she is an open minded individual. Very motherly as well, and cares deeply for everyone in my head.

Especially Azura. Literally the inner child of my mind, the youngest out of all of them. She isn't completely clueless about the world, but its like she refuses to acknowledge it and grow up. Very Peter pan like, she won't run around yelling and trying to fly to Never Land, but shes not going to deal with any adult problems either. She would much prefer to sit around and draw, she is very artistic and skilled at different forms of it. Loves to dream and interpret them as well. Unlike the others though she is 'weaker' in a sense she couldn't take a hit for the team from anyone, shes also very sensitive and somewhat shy despite her hyper attitude. She wont go out and talk to everyone, but if someone talks to her she can make some conversation. I can also safely assume she is the sugar fiend making my diet a lot worse than it should be, but then again, I can't blame her for loving the sugary goodness.

I am not really sure where I want to go with all of this but to give you a small peak into my mind and how I feel. I have been thinking recently, is it really that wrong to enjoy their company? And the utter relief it brings me to let myself separate into four strong minds instead of just my one? We have our problems and some of us have even been mentally sick before, but everyone has their own trials and challenges to get through. I cant choose the exact moment of when I want to just be me, or let my alters take the wheel, sometimes depending on the situation I get overridden if they think its better for the whole of us that way.

Recently however I've wondered, maybe I should stop being so afraid of what others will think and let the whole family flourish? I am not sure, OsiOsi here... this is Aurora; Hello world~ (Or group in this case~ <3 )
OsiOsi OsiOsi
18-21, F
5 Responses Nov 30, 2012

I know how you feel. A couple years back, I had just gotten used to having 4 personalities, and 2 more came into my life... Great... I always would think if I was the only one who had so many different personalities. It was relieving to hear that I am not alone. Thank you.

You're a lot like me. I've never met anyone with four like I have. I think you have four incredibly amazing minds. Please add me to your circle. SIncerely, Jessi.

Hi OsiOsi, Thanks for sharing your family. It seems you have a good system going. I just want you to know that you are not crazy! Rather, very intelligent and capable of protecting yourself to survive. I hope if you aren't in therapy that you will be able to get there. My husband has DID and has been in therapy almost five years now. There are many here on EP that are many than happy to talk to you guys and be your friends. :)

I'm honestly afraid of going to therapy again, my mother used to send me to therapy for anything as if it was a punishment tool she was using on me. at one point I had 8 therapists. I swear I wasn't /that/ messed up in my grade school years. Mostly now I am afraid of them laughing me out of their office...

That is a lot of therapist. Sorry you haven't had good experiences. Try to do some research in your area and find someone who has treated others with DID or is familiar with it. You are older now and able to choose for yourself. If you don't like them then you can find someone else. You are in control. I am hopeful you will be able to find the right fit. My husband has a wonderful therapist and has been seeing her for almost five years now. Good luck and don't be scared. :)

I agree with monaroo97071 in that it is a very brave thing to write about your inner family and how you function.
To answer your question is it wrong to enjoy their company.
No, not at all.
It is due to them all that you have come this far in your life and you work together as a family. Not many people are informed or have much knowledge on the subject of mpd/did. Different reactions can hurt.
There are quite a few people on ep with this condition and others who are married or have best friends with did/mpd and they make good friends.
I wish you and your inside family everything of the best and hope today will be a happy one for all of you.

Thats how I generally like to think about it, the mind is an amazing thing and in the face of something terrible- can come up with ways to survive and cope no matter what. Thank you for the good wishes, one day I want to be brave enough to be honest with those around me...

I know how hard it is to talk about this because of what others might think. There are only two people in my family that knows. My sister and my aunt. I'm afraid to tell anyone else because they may just say I'm making it all up for attention so I totally understand what you are going through.

I have five alters. They all have their own "jobs" if you may call it that, to help me out.. This is a hard and complicated life having this and if you think waiting to tell family is the right thing to do, then I would hold off telling them. I've been aware of my alters for about 4 years and I haven't even told my parents.

I hope all is well for you and thank you for posting your story. It was brave because it isn't easy talking about this to really anyone. If you need to talk to someone I'm here- well we're hear to listen. Well most of us.

Take care!

Thank you! I already have started to feel better about all this as I go through the stories and make some comments. I am concerned about some things still but I am happy to know I am not alone in this.

I'm glad you're starting to feel better. I guess it just takes time trying to get use to. Take care.