Messed Up Love Story

As ive said before, theres three of us. prim (me) and bel (both adults) and leslie (still a child). well les asked me if i had ever loved anyone today, and it got me thinking back on the most ridiculous moment of my life...

i had met someone once on a chat site (please don't luagh). he was very nice and kind, 10 years older, and quite accepting. we discovered we were fond of each other and "dated" for a bit. at some point i decided to tell him about this condition of mine...i didnt tell him about leslie because at the time it didnt seem important.

now keep in mind that ive come across many terrible men in my life, but he was the first and perhaps even only one that did not freak out or take drastic measures. in fact, he loved us both just the same. i thinks its because he saw what prim and I lacked as individuals that we could make up for each other if whole. but he loved and respected us as individuals, while also trying to draw us together each day. he'd rarely adress us seperately, hed rather say "Primlina" (a combination of belina and primrosetta). i loved that about him.

and i know some say online dationg is ridiculous, but let me start off by saying ive got many fears and personal issues, so im almost certain that i allowed myself to like him BECAUSE it was an online relationship. i guess i felt more safe knowing that i was behind a screen thousands of miles away from him and he couldn't have harmed me even if he wanted to.

but then belina started butting in. she doesn't trust anyone, you see so she decided to test him. over, and over, and over. she would purposefully provoke extreme reactions from him. because that's how bel is, she likes to know people are interested in her life and such. she likes to feel someone cares. and she knows just how to get what she wants. but at some point it becomes an unhealthy addiction, i think.

well at some point he started asking for pictures. nothing freaky, just wanted to put a face to the words. perfectly fine right? no. looking back on it, this was where i started to dig my own grave, so to speak. beacause multiple PD is only one of my 4 personality disorders.paranoid PD happens to be another one. so i think at first i went ahead and took a few pictured but as i was looking through them i was seeing everything that was wrong with me or imperfect. so then i started to panic and think..well what if i end up being much worse than he had hoped or expected? what if im too ugly for him? what if, what if...

so i did something terrible. i went around looking for peoples pics on the internet that looked pretty and posed as them. now hes a very smart man, and noticed right away. but then i couldnt stop i would just look in places less tracable, like facebook. and he found out...
to this day, i am not even certain if i ever did show him the real me but at some point he stopped asking. i think he just got tired of it. and one day, he blocked me from everything. it took a month or so to convince him to talk to me again but then he had changed so much. he had taken up a religion and well...he just wasnt the same. he wasnt right. and we were no longer close so...i left

i still think about him. a lot. eveery night when i go to bed i hug my teddy and think about what my life could have been if i hadnt messed up, if we had gone as far as meet and get married, just like we used to dream about together.

and sometimes, i cry.

-prim
DivineStitches DivineStitches
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 8, 2013

i would suggest u to stop thinking about "what if..."

let the things happen as they are going...flowing in the situations as they demand...
too much thinking of "what if..." makes life worse...as in case of ur love story.
what ever he did... was natural....
i feel pity for that guy...he deserved much better than what was given to him
if i were him, i would have done exactly the same thing..
i would have felt betrayed and cheated....for getting fake pics..of the one whom i had love for
anyways...give life a new start....
be genuine...be original....
true relationships are assets....dont lose them for "what iffffs..."

fine.

oh how terrible I've had online relationships end that way, I'm so sorry for you it hurts more when it's like that. I act the same in situations, I'm a polygamist, but I don't have the courage to have more than one love in physical contact, just makes me nervous, I hope you can find someone that makes you feel that way again, just don't give up.

<3

thank u and yes, someday i might gather the courage to give love another try

no problem hun.

:)

Hi Prim,..

You wrote to me befor and I am so sorry this story ended this way.
We all learn from our mistakes and I hope you meet somebody who really understands about how you all function and who will be there for you.
Write me anytime.

thanks a bunch