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Here We Go Again

i dont think im one of those people that learn from their mistakes. dont get me wrong, it is not on purpose that my life is repetitive. i really tried hard to avoid that.

Ive met someone on here, someone special (to me). he seems like a gentleman, very nice, caring enough....
and so we decided to be friends. i didnt think much of it at first, i really couldnt see us being all that close. but then i grew to like him more and more each day and now...im in love.

hence why i say ive learned nothing from my mistakes.
because the last guy i "loved" destroyed my life. and no im not exagerating when i say that. we were married, but just about 6 months. what happened?? everything. everything u could possibly imagine.

looking back at it now, i can see all the bad clues from way back when we had just started dating, all the wrong vibes i ignored. he was a troubled man, im certain of it. and i cant really call myself sane either...so naturally we didnt mix. i still dont understand what i did wrong. i thought i had accomplished all my wifely duties.. i would wake up early, make his breakfast iron his clothes etc...
i would constantly pick up after him, cook for him as soon as i got back from work, i would give him a massage when he needed one, have sex with him when he asked for it (which was unfortunately quite often)

but then at some point things went wrong, idk how or when exactly but i messed up and everything became chaos. he would beat on me for little things, yell at me for nothing, and if at night i happened to be too tired to give him what he wanted...hed take it.

now, please try to keep in mind that i try to be a calm person, and for the most part i am. but because of this stupid disorder...well i cant say the same for all my other alters.
and so the battle was on, a war that raged on for months in everything from choking me because his eggs were not "good enough" and me threatening to shoot him if he didnt gtfo me. in the end it all left me on the bedroom floor with an empty bottle of pills

and yet i am in love with someone else. and once again, i feel like theres nothing i can do to keep myself from him, to shelter myself. because from the way my heart is constantly aching for him...id say he knows it by now. i dont know how he feels about it, but i reckon he knows. and all i can do is pray to god the cycle doesnt repeat itself, because this time im not making the same ******* mistakes. i dont want to be blinded by my constant thoughts of him. i want to see him for the man he really is...good or bad
DivineStitches DivineStitches 22-25, F 1 Response Jan 22, 2013

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Try to take it slow as given time true colours will start to show.
Really hope this works out for you, talk and talk and talk some more and communicate the important things both of you befor you rush in emotionally if possible.
Rooting for you.