I Am Only An Alter.

I have recently accepted that i am not the host of this body. I have always been personality to keep nearly all of the memories (i'm not sure if other DIDs have one alter like that or not). I just always assumed i was the host and the others agreed with me. I've always gone by the host name, though I've never felt that the name fit me. I've always thought of the host in 3rd person, but i always figured that was just confusion because.... you know, MPD. but I've realized that it was more than that. The host and i aren't the same personality, and the original host hasn't really been around since i showed up. When i first became worried i was only an alter the other personalities agreed more genuinely than when i said i was host. I feel like they always knew and where simply humoring me. I feel as if i was being patronized by my own alters! But now that ive accepted this i feel like everything makes so much more sense. I can't put everything in one post, but lastly, i feel scared.
Does this mean i'm not real? I mean, i think therefore i am, right? Will i just disappear? If there are any alters out there who can give me some answers on this new confusion, it would be much appreciated. Thank you <3
unicornzbait unicornzbait
7 Responses Feb 1, 2013

I feel like that. I haven't confronted it though. I think the host of my body is buried away. I'm scared because what will happen to me. Apparently you'll all merge together somehow. It's hard to make sense of it. Know that you're not alone. If you're the one with memories how does that not make you the host? I don't hold the bad memories. They don't let me in on much but i'm the calmest personality, perhaps a little vunerable. Also, if we are all broken parts of one person it doesn't make sense that there is a host. Aren't we all just parts of one host? I'm very confused about it all. I think the fragments are not part of the host as our fragments are moments in time so it makes sense that they are not a part. I think you are part of the host, you all are. When you begin to work together maybe you'll feel whole again. I like the way you said the others humour you. We all do that to each other. I have a controlling part that certain parts call boss. They control everything, all the information, memories, actions. Like a sensor. What functions do you all have? I'm interested in others experiences to help me understand my own

Good explanation imo, mpde. It just occurred to me that, as far as I know, you're in there, you're staying in there. Even with total integration into a single personality you don't. The walls/separations go, you all learn, then learn to get along. Nobody croaks.

Yes that is correct, nobody just goes away or croaks.

First off let me just say a big Yes to the question are you real.
You are real indeed. You will always be needed even if and when the host is awake and out most of the time. It's mainly the hurting alters that act out and harm the body and are mean to the host that causes her to not want them around but with the right therapy they become alot easier to live with. Very few hosts want the alters to leave or not be there because they know they have been there in order to help the host survive.

My experience with this also was off to a slow start. Among the last to get the joke. Taking us through therapy I still was told I'm only the "front" and again, I had been humored in my grandiose, temporarily necessary belief I was always or ever #1. Now that it doesn't bother me to be who I am number-wise, and SEEM to be running the show all by myself, your story, etc. remind me not to take myself so self-importantly. As long as we're not destructing, it's ok with all of us who care if I want/need to pretend I'm running this circus ... and alone at that. They're being Kind, to me. I'll take it, swallow it whole, gratefully, and again forget it and stay busily avoiding ever stopping, cuz I know this stuff about us and I'm running this show and I'm deciding how we're going to cope with problems, TYVM.

Being told you are (only) the front is a bit offensive although probably wasn't intended that way.
Being the front is such an important part of the core personality and please I am not saying this to blow your trumpet but this is not my first rodeo.
You have the knowledge of what has taken place and therefor keep things running and as you say make the decisions on how best to cope with whatever situation comes up. For that you have a responsibility and it must be really tuff at times. Don't put yourself down and be too hard on yourself. Look at the facts of your situation and the facts are: You are running the show so if you need to claim that then do so. Do what works for you in order to cope each day. Just to let you know people like me who have a loved one with DID admire, respect and appreciate people like you who do take the lead and help in the way that you do. It's you who communicate first with those of us on the outside and are able to fill us in on what is happening at the time. Sorry this turned out to be so long, hope you can hear my heart.
Have a happy day.

Good for you and your wonderful attitude. I for one take my hat off to you because it is not an easy thing to do by any means. I appreciate my friends Wise one as I know him and he has been of great help to me in understanding what is going on with her inside family. :)

One of my alters holds most of my memories. Unfortunately that means he's also the gatekeeper of those memories. Honestly, we are only as real as our mind allows us to believe.

Remember: "I think, therefore, I am."

Hey, my name is Billy. I am one of Jennifer's alters. I don't believe you have anything to worry about. If the host is anything like Jennifer, they won't make you go away. Jennifer has had alters for almost nine years and she is very comfortable with us. She loves us actually. We may not have separate bodies but we are certainly real in our own way.

Just because you are not the original host it doesn't mean you are any less important or real.

Hi, I'm not the same alter who wrote this story, but thank you for your support :). We are all very close in our "system" and we have all gone through this same thing and i think shes only scared she'll disappear if our original p. Wakes up.

I wouldn't worry. I'm not the host but my host is very much awake and around. She just prefers to watch. I know I nor the others won't disappear.

I think my "host" does that, or me. I don't know, i have this memory but don't feel like i own it if you understand what I mean? She watches everyone, including people on the outside. I remember being 3 in nursery and sitting away from all the other children, watching everything they do and how they interacted. We were trying to learn. I don't know how I know that. I even think that it's ghosts memory. How is it possible to be so split at that age though. I'm so confused because I hold no information whatsoever and they won't let me in on anything. Life is so weird. I'm sorry i went off subject

But what if your host isn't awake? Is that even heard of?

Ah maybe, i've heard of that from others. I wonder how you find the host. In treatment my therapist has managed to find and talk to some

Thats very much heard of. She/he could be shutting themselves off due to trauma or whatever. Like a mental 'coma' type thing. The human mind can be powerful.

Yes, that is possible. Mine had been shut off for almost fifteen years now. She's in what we joked as suspended animation.

Well as long as its not harmful. Unless you have reason to worry.

Yes, unicornzbait. The original owner of what's now broken up into my 'condos' (!?) we've named Dead Baby. Not really dead, but no responses though we all know he's (it's) there. Only one of 13 not extremely ticklish. Not ticklish at all!

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