My Internal Family

I have 3 sub personalities and have been co-concious probably for the whole trip.  Alot of my life has been lived feeling I was watching a movie.  I learned to feel and love.   Its tough to live life with a committee inside one's head.  But many many times I have been grateful for the abillity to being able to step aside and let my old warrior woman who has learned so much about tact and teaches a whole lot about strength take things over and deal with it while I sit insde the bubble.  The younger selves have learned not to go out on their own.  Eventhough my warrior who goes my the name of Maiden would rather use a broadsword than her tongue she can use that too in a fight and defend us all thank you very much.  No its not easy living with a committee. But if that committee can learn to deal with each shard,  the whole can function very well in the eyes of the world.   Then again how to I explain this and give hope my husband.  After years of waking up in strange places, doing things he did not remember getting into, he thought it was just drugs.  After a year of having him repeatedly meeting me at the train station in tears not knowing where he was for the last 12 to 48 hours.  The time lapses have gotten more and more often, longer.   How many times have we been to a hospital and told them about everything that was going on.  How man times have they pointed to his history of drug abuse and just chaulked it up to a bad dope, an infection or a possible brain tumor. The EEG changes just a symptom of the tumor.  He was admitted yesterday for his first psych eval and hospitalization.  Over $2000 is missing from the family finances and no one will admit where it went.   We were in court Tuesday about a violation of parole due to an old CDS charge.  Gee he missed reporting on a few occasions not all the time.  The judge and his probation officer were told that he was going in on Thursday.  They think its for another 28 day rehab. not for treatment that might last 6 months or a year at least.   How do I get them to understand or believe it when they finally get the report.  I have tried to talk to them.  Of course they think I am his drugging buddy which I am not.; never, was never will be.  My Maiden does not like us taking pain killers let alone recreational drugs.  So with all that is going wrong in my life.  All the stress and plain black emotioinal pain I am going through, I have to be honest.  I like the committee in my head.  My so called friends  just want me to take care of them and their needs.  My family acts worse.  The only ones who really know and understand are the members of my internal family.  So excuse me whille I go back in the bubble, curl up in Maidens arms and put my cheek on her armored chest and have my cry.

Nicbeth Nicbeth
56-60, F
4 Responses Oct 17, 2008

It must be really hard and I feel for you but he is very blessed to have u in his life.<br />
It is also very hard and confusing for him I'm sure u know that already. The stress and exhaustion u feel must also be difficult. I have and continue to support my friend who has mpd/did since meeting her 13yrs ago. She gave up her biological fam and it has been hard for her. Yes Doctors etc; some don't even have book knowledge and me as a lay person has had 13yrs of hands on experience. One threapist was so scared he sat with his back to her and asked her who do u see? She said nobody I didn't say anything. I think he was needing medication! in 2 min we were out of his office. Another one argued that she can take adult doses of meds even when a 6yr old alter is out and we have tried it and it's too strong for her she sleept the night and most of the next day. But no..... they know best. I thank the Lord for her threapist as she works with all the different personalities and is so good with them allows me to sit in the sessions and I have learn't such alot and how to deal with them. She has more than 40

Just ot give you all an update. abotu what is going on with my Beloved. He is doing pretty good inthe program. Oh when the therapist wanted him to learn about self hynposis, he told her, "my lady wanted me to learn about that. She told me all about it. this is what you do." Again and again some psych or therapist would say something and my Dear one who smile and say, Yup my lady told me about that. she says yad yada yada yada. " Oh gee I gave him premission to explain and see they are telling him I need to be inpatient too. GEE whizzerrs I only did 8 years of therapy thank you. After 4 years of dealing with his drug abuse, financially we are in ruins and I am the only one who is working. Ttop it off I am communting 4 hours a day so I can keep the job I have. So there was this family sessions program they had. Gee I went so far as to move my schedule around so I could go. Gee no one ever called me to set up an appointment to go, or left a messaage or anything. Its been since 10/13 and I have not heard one thing about those sessions. to top things off, according tothem he is doing great. Well from his behavior I see some of the alters crap seeping back out, slowly. Nothing really bad you know just not the usual Hubby. Now what? Me i am sitting on a bomb waiting for it to blow and when it does, I know I am the only one who will really get hurt inthe long run. I am tired of this. I love the man but I am so sick and tired of this I could scream.

How do I explain being a multi. One minute there is this had nosed woman inplace and the next minutte, something slipsa and ita a 5 year old pretending to be an adult who is looking for her kitten. I raerly remember my dreams, so I cannot relate to that.

hey i really wish i could help but it seems like my bouyfriend has this disorder.he says he has three other personalities and that he sees them in dreams .they look exactly like him and he can see them but they cant see him .i want to find out more about it.i love him for who he is. i would like to know if thats nything like what you have ?