I'm So Tired. Please Help Me.

Since I was a child I have spoken with many different people inside my head.  Many have stepped back into the shadows over the years but there are two who remain still and are very strong individuals.  One is simply the nameless one.  It seems to be androgynous but very peaceful, spiritual, kind, gentle and compassionate.  It is wonderful when the nameless one appears to speak with me, it is such a help especially in the most stressful times.  With the current trauma of the loss of my father (who violently took his own life) the nameless one has been a comforting companion...that is...when Lilith is not around.  She is a creature full of hate, anger, violence and sexual promiscuity and rage.  Lilith does not like anyone but herself my little boy and anyone with power.  She scares the daylights out of me and little Nikki (another one of my quieter voices) who does not understand why Lilith is so mean.  I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder but for years I have wondered if I have MPD.  As usual I just chalked it up to my imagination and an "all in my head" attitude.  I just don't know who to talk to about this anymore and I'm afraid that if I tell my psychiatrist, he'll just dismiss it.  Meanwhile having to deal with these extreme fluctuations in my personality is wearing me out.  I'm never sure who I'll be next.  As you can imagine, Lilith takes a real toll on me because I have to fight extremely hard to keep her down.  She is very very strong and after I finally do get her under control, my entire body feels like I've been hit by a truck.  Every muscle in my body aches, my head pounds and I just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep.  I have to fight Lilith as hard as I can because I have a beautiful 5 year old son and a wonderful husband of 20years both of whom I love with all my heart.  My only consolation is that the nameless one will often step in and protect my son and husband while inside myself I duke it out with Lilith.  I thank the heavens that Lilith does seem to adore my son. She finds him amusing and sometimes goes off in a huff if the nameless one tells her that it is Nikki's turn to play with him.  I know this all sounds ridiculous but I had to tell someone because I don't think there is a soul out there who would believe me.  Mental abuse from my parents and well as physical and mental abuse from classmates in school is when these other voices came to talk with me.  But there are times that I hear other voices now that I can't understand.  It's as if there were ghosts flying through my head just whispering things but I can't make out what they are saying. And lately, I catch movement or images out of the corner of my eye that are gone in a flash.  If anyone here can relate to any of this I would really appreciate hearing from you and what you are doing to cope.  My name is Laura and I am just looking for some guidance or suggestions on  where to start with trying to fix all this.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

nikkielizabeth nikkielizabeth
10 Responses Dec 6, 2008

It's been four years, more or less, since you posted this and I completely know how you feel. I have a very angry, unpredictable, very sexual alter who has follows no rules. She is mean to everyone, including me and will do just about everything to get what she wants and hates everyone but my daughter's dad. I hope everything is going well with you and the others. Keep your head up. Things will get better if they haven't already. Siryn is more under control now. She still has her moments though. Take care.

Hi, our situations are scary similar. Please add me I'd love to talk.

PLEASE add me, you have no idea the striking and very scary the similarities between you and I are. I just finished posting a story with sort of the same title and desperate tone. I have been feeling so alone...it is so nice to hear someone out there is EXACTLY like me. I have a boyfriend I love to death and a 2 year old son as well, our stories match perfectly :)

Hi Laura. Let me just echo the others and say drop that therapist. Therapy is there to help you, so there isn't any reason to stay with someone who isn't helping. As for Lilith, try asking all of your others to help you brainstorm some rules that might keep her in line. If the whole system works together, you may have a chance of getting through. Also, keep reaching out as you have just done. Whatever your problem may be, there are those of us who have been there too.<br />
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- Anne

I too had 'friends' in my head, who would help me, encourage me and others who would verbally abuse me along with many other voices that played different roles in my head... at times it was confusing and at times it was oddly comforting.... as this was all was 'normal' for me and had helped me cope in life and grow up to be a successful career woman, wife and mother. Things finally exploded when someone dear to me passed away... my husband found me curled up on the bathroom floor crying... he put me in bed and held me to comfort me..... I didn't remember any of it.. I just remembered waking up in bed and it was the following morning..... My secret was out... my husband knew I needed help and encouraged me to get it...<br />
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I was Clinically Dx'd with Dissociative Identity Disorder also known ad DID or MPD in 1999. For a long time I struggled with it.. Half the time I truly did not believe it..I felt like my Shrink and husband were making things up to convince me I was crazy... <br />
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Please know you are not crazy, but it is very important to get help! If you don't feel comfortable enough talking to your Physichiatrist/therapist, then get a new one... The first one I had, was more interested in getting me to discuss my trauma immediately and intensly, even if it disrupted my life, more so, then helping me cope in the here and now and dealing with my past trauma slowly and as I could handle it... I ended up getting a new therapis after I did a great deal of research and finding one who I felt I could relate to.. I interviewed many and finally ended up driving over 1 hour each way 2 X a week to see him.<br />
I tell you this, because it is so important to find someone you can trust, and feel compfortable talking to, not feel threatened by (although parts of you will feel threatened by whomever is chosen). Find a therapist who actually specializes in Dissociative Disorders.<br />
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It has taken me years to learn to cope with life in a healthy way, instead of letting 'parts' of myself handle and compartmentalize it... I fought it, I struggled with it and many times I was downright terrorized to become 'normal' after all who defines normal.. what is normal for one, may not be normal for another...<br />
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Please rest assured that the end result is much better! Even though every part of your being may be telling you otherwise... your voices/parts/alters (whatever you are comfortable calling them) are all part of you! Just compartmentalized.... and as you become able to decomparmentalize and bring all the voices in your head into one harmonious song... You won't forget things, you can enjoy your family and life more fully than you can ever have imagined!<br />
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As a final note: for any and all of Laura's friends/Voices, etc... Do not feel threatened or angry.. or think you are going to go away or disappear... you all are there and will continue to be there.. you will just be able to all be there at the same time harmouniously... no more taking turns...

I've also found that some of my alters who may not work together when anyone else, will act completely different from usual when it comes to taking care of a child. <br />
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My silent one, who dealt with all the abuse and violence in my marriage by taking over when everyone else had gone deep inside, usually was catatonic or otherwise completely detached from the world, still roused itself to get up and take care of my daughter when she cried. <br />
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Knowing that is one thing that makes me a little less scared of my alters. Even though they aren't 'me', they're still part of me, and the few things that inarguably mean absolutely everything to me are common to all of us.

I believe you too. Believe it or not,there are people out there who care deeply about anyone who is struggling or suffering.There is no motivation other than simply caring. I'm truly happy you have a family who you love so much. The love of a child can help get you through thick and thin. Good luck to you and your family!

In response to MadlyInLove, I am an atheist and do not believe in god nor prayer for more reasons than I care to go into, however I do appreciate your opinion and recommendation. My name is Israel, I take care of Laura when the going gets extremely tough. She resides in a deep depression right now but I will work her out of it. I always do. Without me she would be lost. Lilith, at this time is under control and quiet. Don't worry, I'll take very good care of her. I admit that I am curious about your interest in this topic. What motivates you? This is not something I see often in others. I fear trying to understand it is something even the greatest psychiatric minds of our time have yet to achieve. Good luck to you.

I completely believe your story. I do not have a personality disorder, but I am very interested in people who do. Not to study, but just to understand. One thing i want to ask you is have you tried prayer? I understand completely if Lilith does not let you, but you have to be stronger than her. I realize that it's hard, but you should give it a shot. I am a Christian, and believe me God does help ANYONE get through ANYTHING. Give it a shot. You don't have to take my word for it, and you may not even like what I have to say, but by all means try it. You may like what happens. :)

I recommend meditation and pondering on why these two personalities have come into your life. My body has told me that a significant event took place in my life which may have caused mpd, the problem is that I cannot remember what happened because I do not have the coping skills to handle the stress of knowing. My problem is that if I have stress come into my life right now, relatively small amounts, I either take it out on myself or I take it out on others, extremes if you will. I believe that my body will not let me know the horror of anything severe until I have the coping skills to handle it effectively. Getting a good therapist will definitely be the best way to go, but also get in touch with yourself through healthy eating, yoga, massage and anything else that will prepare you for finding out the "why" of it all. Lilith may seem like a "bad" voice, but she is your voice, and chances are that she was created to be dominant out of necessity, which in the proper time and amounts, is not "bad". Good luck, remember your not alone. Prayer works.

I can only echo the advice from the first wirtier. If yoour skrink does not listen, get another one. for heaven's sake that is what you are paying the person for. and if they are abuseive and threaten hospitalization every whip stitch like the one I had once, run do not walk away. They are on a control trip. Take it one day at a time. Know there are others who know what is going on and no its you but not you weeird though it sounds.