Huh... Just Been Noticing That These Voices Are Not Hallucinations

These voices are not hallucinatons.  They are personalities within me.  The tend to take control with triggers. I am trying to find out what those triggers are, but I'm having a hard time.  I have four all together.  Two of them are female and the other two are male.  It's funny because they can switch anytime.  One personality I'm left handed it seems and the then I'm ambidextrous the other.  When I'm myself, Sarah I'm ambi. I have different handwriting when one of my personalities takes over and I dissociate. I even call my dog a different name.  I keep a journal with me at all times and read back what I wrote.  It's the weirdes thing in the world. 

I've been to lots of psychiatric hospitals and all they have been able to do is come up with different diagnoses until now.  They tell me I suffer from a severe form of ptsd and that I have different aspects of myself that take over when I feel threatened to handle the situation.  I could tell you more about my multiples.  But I don't know what change is occuring now that I know all of their names and how they behave.  I end up taking risks and having sex with strangers.  It seems that one of these times it isn't going to go over well and I'm going to end up breaking the law or getting murdered. 

I think I'm not going to live much longer.  But heck I'm trying to find out how to not dissociate.  There are various people that are the key to my dissociations.  I have ot speak with them.  They know what goes on when I, Sarah am not there.  They will think I'm crazy, but I think it's the only way to find closure other than keeping a journal right by my side.

Well this particular experience I took my dog on a ride and called her swedes, her actual name is ginger, but I felt compelled to call her swedes. And my handwriting and typing was different.  It was the weirdest thing.

geckopaws geckopaws
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 8, 2010

My husband has DID and at the time we first got married we thought out goal was to rid of the alters. The more I've communicated with them, though, it seems more and more possible to work with them.<br />
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Your alters exist for a reason, and that reason is to help you survive. Something in your life gave you a need for them so they were created. Everyone has a system and when you are first becoming aware of it, the system can seem a mess. . . but it is important to work towards understanding the purposes your alters serve and learning to respect them. An openness to work with them and the system instead of fighting it can go a long way. Recently an alter whose original approach to me was to do all he could to scare me a away (including causing minor harm to me) emerged with the entire purpose of answering my questions. It was sort of an olive branch, okay, we're in this together.<br />
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It may be a good idea to have someone that can speak to your alters when you are not gone, but they must tread lightly and respectfully. Pushing for information the alters are not ready to share will only make them angry. <br />
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Your alters are a part of you, and exist for a reason. If you can understand that it can be easier to be less afraid and overwhelmed. One step at a time.<br />
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(I have a group with stories about dealing with my husband's DID, perhaps that could also offer you some sort of insight, from the perspective of someone outside looking in.)

Hi, I am like you someone who lives multiple lives in one body. The triggers can be so many random things trying to find them all would be almost impossible, I know there can be major things but they are not usally that hard to find. It is good to have someone who knows about what you go through even if they do not understand or readily accept it. Seriously we can not expect people around us to be more understanding and accepting of us than we are of ourselves. <br />
I am one who does not think that fighting against the various sides of ourselves is a good answer, they are who we are and when we try and confine them they get angrier and push harder for some control. There has to be open negotionation between all of you to make a balance between all of who you are. All of us suffer with ideas of sucide but that dose not have to be the first or most promenante answer, it is better to try and find balance within yourself.<br />
Hang out here for awhile and talk with some of us who are going through what you are going through. It is not easy but we have to find ways to make it work. I do not think drugging us is the answer or locking us up is either. We just need to find away to be ok with being a divided person. Just remember everyone is divided to some extent we are just way better at it than the rest of the population. Oh ya sense of humor comes in handy a lot.<br />
Write me if you like.