What The Hell Is Wrong With Me.

My life had always been crazy..so by the time I noticed,it was too late. I was loosing my memory, I was acting crazy, everything about me had changed,including how I looked. My legs were getting, for lack of a better word, weird looking, less muscle,thin, shakey...What the hell is wrong with me, Im athletic, I dance, I hike, im flexable, but this particular moment I notice 'ME'... im not bending,flexability..gone..Ive got an elevated body temp. and anxiety,fatigue, and im acting like im nutty..do I have that flu, again..that FLU..you know the one that comes and goes from time to time, I sure do feel like thats it.. call the doctor, take tylenol..It'll pass like it always does, right? Wrong, not this time..this time,That Flu was eventually, after 3 years, found in an MRI as an entity know to be multiple sclerosis.. MS? LOL, no way, not me, Im not blind, Im walking, My motor skills are keen...no.. not MS, not ME...Then my mind began a journey, Into random memory land, the leg aches,headaches, stabbing myself with my fork,not in the mouth , next to it..hmmm..the dropping of things, every thing some days, the anxiety,fatigue,slurred speech sometimes.. OH MY GOD! Those horrid spasms in my back,legs,stomach,now throat..yeh.....MS...yeh, ME.Well, now what the hell do I do? Im gonna cry,die,scream,throw ****,get sick to my soul, mour,wail..fall into a deep angry depression and give up!!!!! As funny as it sounds, I was watching Alien 3..Ripley was fighting this alien for years, just to find out its inside her,so,as im on the couch,sniffing, whineing, Im paying attention to the metaphor...she uses the situation to her advantage to destroy the devil inside..yes, she destroyers herself also, but then theres resserection! And that one, hey, thats me..Screw You MS monster! He who laughs last, has the last laugh, so there... Ive been on Copaxone for three years now, I look healthy, I feel better, and this my friends is a battle,with an ugly monster, and remember, when it looks,feels bleek...bad...get back in the fight, we will win..it may take a minute, and one hell of a battle, but when the dust settles, the sun will be on your face,you can do it, dont give up the fight!!!!!!! Hope this reaches your heart, makes you smile, and yes, I suggest the Alien series for MS and all who do battle with an evil foe!! lol, .....                                                                                                              LOVE,PEACE AND HOPE!!!  yehtiel.

yehteil yehteil
41-45, F
6 Responses Oct 21, 2011

I have recently just been officially dxed with MS. And this is exactly how I would describe MS. Like some kind of a demonic alien monster that is attacking my body mind and soul. I dont start medication until next month(avonex) I hope it helps because I feel I will go insane from it at the moment.

Peed my pants twice on way into office.2 car accidents, fell down stairs, blanked out during a presentation, called my awesome boss an ahole, can barely see out of right eye, stumbling. All of this over last 45 days. New record for me. I hate ms.

Oh my, lemme tell ya'...there are wicked days, days where I am the most negative, miserable s.o.b.'er..I cry, ,is it crying, or a heart filled mourN? Im miserable to my family, is like they live in one world ,and I in another of my own, and they dont get it..I want to go out, eat in public,laugh,have a drink,work a job,accomplish something other than MS..but my drive has died..lol..and im suppose to be ok with sticking myself with shots,and being driven around,no money of my own that Ive earned, no independance, and when I try to talk about anything ..they say I know.. I know? No, you dont stinking know..it just makes me want to slam my head into a wall..I feel isolated..freakish at times, and I know my mind isnt working like theirs..grrrr..pee's me off so bad! And my MS isnt the worst MS..but for me it is..and to think of it ever getting really bad, oh my god.. what would I be like?Before I was diagnosed I was already ms-ish, weird..lol..but knowing, wow..made me miserable..to an extreme..Who am I? who would I have been...and knowing I'll never KNOW hurts me. So, ya the anger is an issue for me, I face it, I fight it, but im sooo peed-off at the same time.. and to hear people say, well you should be happy for what you have, they should sit where im sitting.. I have nothing other than a good fight with ms, and the world around me that doesnt KNOW...I love talking to people with MS here, feels like I have found similar like minded peeps who when they say I know, THEY DO!!! Guys, have a good day,week,month...take care,be strong...love-peace-hope!!! yehteil

yehteil,<br />
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You stay strong too! They had traced mine back through high school. I had problems before but had no money to get it checked out until then.I have had my ups and downs over the years with good days and bad. You sound like you have the right attitude to face this. Keep strong and keep in touch.

anxiety,fatigue,slurred speech and vision problems are all issues I have experienced.Sometimes It will be months between any issues.

I think I have issues everyday, but its become ME..I will know instantly if a new one appears,lol..stay strong ok,its what we do!

I loved your story, I went through the same crazy whirlwind of symptoms over 20 years ago. I was 22, working my way through college. I had a full time and a part time job while going to college full time. My eyes started playing tricks on me - the color of the traffic lights didn't make sense anymore. It seemed like the road was never wide enough for my car. I lost use of my arm and started dragging my leg.But hey, I'm 22 and I have goals in life so I just shrugg it off and keep pressing on. My boyfriends' mother began to think I was diabetic or something because everytime I was at their house I would fall asleep. <br />
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After three traffic accidents and losing sight in one eye and the pain becoming unbearable I was scared. I had a wonderful boss at the time who told me to go to an eye doctor for the pain (I hadn't told him about the los of sight). I wasn't sure because I had never taken a sick day and I didn't want to lose my job. At the eye doctor they sarted asking me all these questions have you ever ha this or did you ever have this sensation. I still hadn't seen the doctor yet. The doctor sits me down and looks at my eyes and tells me "You have MS". I didn't know what that was and he is telling me thathe is surprised I am walking and talking with everything going on in my life. Then he says I need an emergency admittance to the hospital.<br />
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OK! Now I am really scared. My eyes are dialated and I can't see so I can't drive. I am 30 miles from home and I just received this devasasting news about a desease know nothing about. <br />
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That was March 3rd, 1990, a day I will never forget. It was the start of a very unpredictable rollercoaster ride of life. I have had great days and bad days. I have laughed and I have cried. I have had just about every symptom you can experience of MS over the years. My neurologist says that I defy my MRI's and that I should be more disabled than I am.I was told I couldn't work anymore 3 years ago due to loss of short term memory and cognitive function. But that boyfriend told you about I tod him he could leave becuse this wasn't something we were prepared for. Guess what, we have been married for 20 years now and have 2 great kids. I am not able to work and I couldn't finish college. But I have a family that loves me and ifI can make them smile it's enough for me.<br />
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Your mind is the best medicine in the fight against this desease - REFUSE TO LET IT WIN!<br />
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There is always hope!

Thank you,am sorry to hear your in my group lol...but you have a great outlook..Hearing that from an eye doctor must have been shocking at best! They made me have the eye exam, no MS showing there..my worst lesions are frontal and temporal lobe...I guess this has been part of my life for a very long time, took years to get to me though..I hear people who have had it longer do better for some odd reason..but thats good from where im standing, I cant help but think of how others who have it worse feel, scares me,makes me sad also..you stay strong,you sound like a very nice person,God Bless you, and your family..my hsband is a **** head about my MS, guess he thinks a little compassion may weaken me lol...keep in touch,ok..let me know how your doing! ttyl