What The Hell Is Wrong With Me.

My life had always been crazy..so by the time I noticed,it was too late. I was loosing my memory, I was acting crazy, everything about me had changed,including how I looked. My legs were getting, for lack of a better word, weird looking, less muscle,thin, shakey...What the hell is wrong with me, Im athletic, I dance, I hike, im flexable, but this particular moment I notice 'ME'... im not bending,flexability..gone..Ive got an elevated body temp. and anxiety,fatigue, and im acting like im nutty..do I have that flu, again..that FLU..you know the one that comes and goes from time to time, I sure do feel like thats it.. call the doctor, take tylenol..It'll pass like it always does, right? Wrong, not this time..this time,That Flu was eventually, after 3 years, found in an MRI as an entity know to be multiple sclerosis.. MS? LOL, no way, not me, Im not blind, Im walking, My motor skills are keen...no.. not MS, not ME...Then my mind began a journey, Into random memory land, the leg aches,headaches, stabbing myself with my fork,not in the mouth , next to it..hmmm..the dropping of things, every thing some days, the anxiety,fatigue,slurred speech sometimes.. OH MY GOD! Those horrid spasms in my back,legs,stomach,now throat..yeh.....MS...yeh, ME.Well, now what the hell do I do? Im gonna cry,die,scream,throw ****,get sick to my soul, mour,wail..fall into a deep angry depression and give up!!!!! As funny as it sounds, I was watching Alien 3..Ripley was fighting this alien for years, just to find out its inside her,so,as im on the couch,sniffing, whineing, Im paying attention to the metaphor...she uses the situation to her advantage to destroy the devil inside..yes, she destroyers herself also, but then theres resserection! And that one, hey, thats me..Screw You MS monster! He who laughs last, has the last laugh, so there... Ive been on Copaxone for three years now, I look healthy, I feel better, and this my friends is a battle,with an ugly monster, and remember, when it looks,feels bleek...bad...get back in the fight, we will win..it may take a minute, and one hell of a battle, but when the dust settles, the sun will be on your face,you can do it, dont give up the fight!!!!!!! Hope this reaches your heart, makes you smile, and yes, I suggest the Alien series for MS and all who do battle with an evil foe!! lol, .....                                                                                                              LOVE,PEACE AND HOPE!!!  yehtiel.

yehteil yehteil
41-45, F
4 Responses Oct 21, 2011

I have recently just been officially dxed with MS. And this is exactly how I would describe MS. Like some kind of a demonic alien monster that is attacking my body mind and soul. I dont start medication until next month(avonex) I hope it helps because I feel I will go insane from it at the moment.

Peed my pants twice on way into office.2 car accidents, fell down stairs, blanked out during a presentation, called my awesome boss an ahole, can barely see out of right eye, stumbling. All of this over last 45 days. New record for me. I hate ms.

Oh my, lemme tell ya'...there are wicked days, days where I am the most negative, miserable s.o.b.'er..I cry, ,is it crying, or a heart filled mourN? Im miserable to my family, is like they live in one world ,and I in another of my own, and they dont get it..I want to go out, eat in public,laugh,have a drink,work a job,accomplish something other than MS..but my drive has died..lol..and im suppose to be ok with sticking myself with shots,and being driven around,no money of my own that Ive earned, no independance, and when I try to talk about anything ..they say I know.. I know? No, you dont stinking know..it just makes me want to slam my head into a wall..I feel isolated..freakish at times, and I know my mind isnt working like theirs..grrrr..pee's me off so bad! And my MS isnt the worst MS..but for me it is..and to think of it ever getting really bad, oh my god.. what would I be like?Before I was diagnosed I was already ms-ish, weird..lol..but knowing, wow..made me miserable..to an extreme..Who am I? who would I have been...and knowing I'll never KNOW hurts me. So, ya the anger is an issue for me, I face it, I fight it, but im sooo peed-off at the same time.. and to hear people say, well you should be happy for what you have, they should sit where im sitting.. I have nothing other than a good fight with ms, and the world around me that doesnt KNOW...I love talking to people with MS here, feels like I have found similar like minded peeps who when they say I know, THEY DO!!! Guys, have a good day,week,month...take care,be strong...love-peace-hope!!! yehteil

anxiety,fatigue,slurred speech and vision problems are all issues I have experienced.Sometimes It will be months between any issues.

I think I have issues everyday, but its become ME..I will know instantly if a new one appears,lol..stay strong ok,its what we do!