My Husband Has Multiple Sclerosis And My Heart Is Breaking

When I first met my husband I knew of the condition multiple sclerosis; I knew the treatment methods, the steroid trips to the hospitals, I knew the diets and the preventative measures to help battle this ongoing incurable and debilitating disease.

What I did NOT know was how much my husband's spirit was already destroyed in 2009 when he was first diagnosed with this condition. My husband is 26 years old and I am 24. We have been married since December of 2010 and I fell in love with him long before then. My husband was my best friend, someone I could share my life with, feel comfortable around, and most importantly feel loved.

I am a soon to be first year nursing student, and it is my job to learn the fastest and best overall way to help people when they are sick. I seem to do fine with the world around me, and am also good at delegating certain issues to specific people in my life. When it came to the daily life of my husband and I living with his multiple sclerosis, I was silenced. It was so shocking to me that a man in the prime of his life could no longer walk properly, stand for long periods of time, have drive and motivation that it took to live and work and succeed and excel in all of the wonderful opportunities of life. It is this reason and more of why I am hopelessly frustrated in my marriage.

I married my husband knowing what I was in store for, and prepared to fight a battle that most people would rather steer clear of. The issue today is not with my husband's disease, but with his spirit and attitude. We often argue and get into emotional stressed conversations about who is becoming overloaded with responsibility.

Another great tragedy came when my husband's mother was diagnosed with cancer in the earlier part of the year in 2010. She passed away suddenly in May of 2011 and my husband has not been the same since. With his multiple sclerosis, he cared for his mother during her last days on earth, and I watched my carefree and loving newlywed husband do the most heartbreaking thing in the world, and that was taking care of his dying mother. I felt like I didn't know what to say or do to comfort him, as we both were newly married and this all came so suddenly. I was a college student at the time and he was still living with his diagnosis and trying to find a way to keep everything together, family included.

After this time, my husband began to shut down. I remember this candle he lit for her the night she passed, and it didn't burn out for hours and hours, yet it was such a small candle I remember thinking to myself “it has burned so long, I don't know how it lasted as long as it did.” She courageously fought her battle with cancer, and there was not enough love in the world to make it go away. My husband is survived by three brothers, whom two are from different fathers. My husband's father passed away in his arms at the age of 12 in a barber shop from a heart attack. His father and mother were happily married for 25 years.

So after the loss of his mother and father, he is utterly numb. He is unbreakable because he is already broken in every way possible. My love seems to be useless, and my anger and frustration just builds from the walls he puts up and the deaf ear he silences my concerns with. I want so badly a life filled with joy and happiness for this man and his family that it breaks my heart to even have to write this in a place where I feel so alone in life.

I don't know what to do about his attitude towards life, and I still have my own to try to create something of. My husband is limited by the government on funds, and all he has to his name is a house that will eventually be divided throughout his remaining siblings that he lives in. He has very little patience, little money, and needs help that I feel I can no longer provide. He also has the biggest and brightest heart and smile I have ever seen. His love for me is what made me marry him without questioning the circumstances for a moment. I wish I could go back into time and make things better, give him more time with his parents, and more time to be the man I know he has the potential to become.

With love and only that, I am not sure at this point it is enough to sustain a marriage full of tragedy and arguing over finances and health issues, and no family support. His MS is his excuse for not wanting to go places, do things, and have a balanced life. I know MS makes their sufferers limited, but I wish that in the prime of his life, he would try to make an effort to band together with me and help himself, and his disease, for the sake of his future and his family. I am NOT blaming him for his disease, or the events that have shaped his life into what it holds for him today, I am simply at a loss for what to do, how to behave, and wish for some guidance. I love him, I so desperately do. Only time will tell I suppose.
MrsTeri MrsTeri
22-25, F
19 Responses Jun 20, 2012

I my self have rapid progressive MS I was told when I was 25 and I am now 34 . my wife is also having a hard time with me as I do not want to go out of the house I just assume sit on my chair and do nothing . MS can take you down real quick it is not our choice . have you sat down and talked with your husband explain to him your upset my wife tells me when she is upset with me and I try to stop . MS is a heart breaking illness and we have a lot to except when it just takes us and stops us in our tracks . MS has ruined my life but I still am trying to make the best of it even with me knowing I will never get any better .

I am 34 & my and is 47. We've been married 5 years & he was diagnosed last year. He had to quit his job & I too know exactly how you feel about his spirit & attitude. .kinda like your married to a brick wall?
only in the last 3 weeks have we got back to how we felt when we first dated..you know-that magical first love...it was only by me being supportive & not nagging that we have found our love once again. your email sounds very similar to how I have felt many times but if you go back over and read what you're saying, and I hope that you do not take offense to this, but it's actually very selfish. I too felt the same way and I too was selfish. When you take A Vow before God to be there for your spouse for better or for worse for richer or poorer during sickness or during health you are basically making a covenant between you your spouse and God something that cannot be broken this is like a contract that needs to be taken seriously it's not something you just throw away because somebody is sick or because somebody lost their job or because somebody is having some depression issues a marriage means that you're bringing two things together you're marrying them into one and it doesn't matter what happens you have to be there for your spouse and what better time than now when your husband is sick at such a young age with MS and the death of his parents. How would he feel if his wife left him too. After all you did marry him because you love him you sound like a really great woman with a good head on your shoulders and a bright future ahead of you but in my opinion I think you should read over what you're saying several times and just hear yourself & words that you wrote. Its obvious you really love your husband because you talk about how he is a wonderful man and how you fell in love with them and it just seems to me this is just my opinion that maybe it would help if you both talk about this or got some type of counseling you mentioned that you are supportive and I'm sure that you are but sometimes being supportive just means that we have to keep her mouth shut you know and not argue with each other about finances etc it really does help I don't know why with men when they don't hear us women complaining or even when we're trying to have a simple conversation they miss construe it and think that were complaining when we're just trying to talk also I don't know where you are at as far as face is concerned but one thing that has worked for me is a book called The Love Dare in this book which is biblical there's 40 days of dares and it actually is very difficult to do the first day you do not say anything negative to your spouse and then the second day you don't say anything negative to your spouse and then do something nice for them Etc-it goes on and on for 40 days but it really does help to get us out of our "self". I totally respect you for posting this and I really do understand you feel I'm only telling you what is work for me maybe sometime for you might help you know like a group for Spouse of ms patients. I always hear about people who have Ms have to have a lot of strength- but I really think that the spouse has to have that much more.

Teri, I am the one your talking of. May I say sorry dear and thank you for everything.
I'm that man your talking about. You along with my bride must be Saints.
I don't know how you do what you do. I do know that it is very difficult. I don't have a good remedy for marriages especially under those very hard circumstances I've even expressed to my wife an understanding if she wanted to stray. Get more from life but she is luckily for me, devoted.
I understand YOU and your DISEASE.
VERY HARD EH?
Seppe

Mrs. Teri, I admire your strength, love and devotion for your husband..I feel your pain...I know it is very difficult to see a loved one suffer...

Oh & i meant to tell u to pm me if you want a friend to talk to -hugs-

Oh Terri i am so sorry abt what u & ur husband are going through! Go & buy pure undistilled apple cider vinegar. It must say mother on it. Give your husband 2 tbsp a.c. vinegar in a glass of water 2-3x's a day. It will do wonders. Its an excellent remedy for so many health issues! You should google it. U will be surprised! I have heard of this remedy helping ms patients so tremendously! Please just try it. Give it a few weeks for it to get in his system & to really start working. My dear friend get yourself an easy to read bible & read some everyday! It will be a great comfort to u & read some of the book of psalms to y y yyour husband everyday. Its very uplifting!

Continued.....Talk to G-d everyday & keep pouring your heart out 2 Him. He loves you! He is waiting for you with open arms. Ask Jesus to come into your heart & He will begin to give you peace & comfort. John 3:3- You must be born again (accepting Jesus in your life) to enter the kingdom of heaven! I'm here if you ever need to talk. I will pray G-d heals your husband. My friend was dying of chromes disease & suddenly she started reading the bible everyday.G-d healed her! Shes a powerful evangelist & she goes to different churches giving her testimony of her healing! Let me know how the vinegar works. G-d bless you & Shalom!

You seem like a very well spoken lady with a worldly sense of your immediate life. Your words were deeply felt as they were read.
I nor anyone could ever judge you or the decisions you make for we know not the details of what personal tribulations you and your husband has faced.
Sometimes in life the answers we seek are right before us; other times, we look to hard.
All too many of us have found ourselves living a life well before our age. And with no means or options to change it.
However...
The life we live and our enviroment is not the thing that defines us but it is that of our out-look that truly holds our definition.
When dim and grey there is color to be seen. And when we see no light in the dark it is because we are not looking.
Courage and strength is not gifted; it is in us all. And we hold that power if only we hold no expectation.
We fuel our drive from inspiration that can be found free of charge. And when we run low, only if our sign is open, inspiration Will find us and refuel our spirit at no cost to us.
AND wise decisions come from making the wrong ones and knowing the difference.
A quote...'be light-hearted and love will not weigh you down; be heavy-footed and you'll not leave the ground. Look up to see the sun; look down to see the mud.'

hy i feal very much for you haveing been a higt levil caregiver for 8 yr waching a loved fade away love is the strongest bond there is you have to fight on but there comes a time when it gets to hard to call out for help you are sufering too waching him fight kno this when he gets upset and angrey its the illness talking he knos you are with him and i can be here when you need some one to talk to i know how hard it can bee

May the Almighty God place a hedge of protection and peace around you and your husband, and give you both the strength to continue the battle and on toward victory.

Sorry to hear about the MS keep your head up. You sound strong and peaceful

you are a very strong person , i use to be a caregiver and my heart goes out to you, it is a lot of work , and emotionally draining... dont ever feel guilty for taking help where you can.. its very hard to share someones pain ... but your right you can't have a poor attitude it won't help anything only makes matters worse, i hope that he is able to find peace with his life.... sending postitive energy your way... keep loving strong

Your love sounds very strong for this person. I'm sure you can endure this hard journey if you lean on one another. Just try to keep his spirits high and he will feel better. My old teach had MS but she was
One of the most cheerful people I have ever known and now her MS is dormant. I believe a positive attitude and a happy outlook on life can improve someone's condition substantially so try to keep his spirits high and remind him of all the happy things in life and things can get better! Good luck to you and your marriage and may god bless you!

may god bless you!

with a pure heart that you have, meditate on the god keeping the image in your heart! you will get the answers! One more thing that you have to do to retain purity of heart is to pray in the evening that all your negative emotions experiences and all that you consider negative is going out from your heart and your heart is filling up with the love of god!

My dad suffered from MS I had no choice but to live with his disease the cause of MS is stress and loss of someone close to him makes the stress even greater

your husband losing his parents obviously has, as you, said broken his spirits and his attitude in life. his attitude is the cause from his MS (anger, frustration, ect...)
does he exercise or go for walks this could help him a bit

my dad wasn't 26 when he got MS but I was in my teens when he was diagnosed
it can frustrate the both of you's but if you leave him he wont be able to show his or open up to anyone if you know what I mean.
my dad eventually died from the disease but you need to be there for him regardless of his attitude whether your his wife or not

God bless you!!! You have so much love and courage. Continue to be there and support him as much as you can. I hope and pray that he will see that you are by his side and that you are there for him supporting and standing by him and that's all the reason in the world to want to push past the negative days/symptoms etc... I admire your courage and faithfulness!!

I was diagnosed with MS a little over 20 years ago. Initially the effect on my life, my well being was devastating. Sure, the effects of MS can be gradual or sometimes less protracted, but the symptoms are always insidious, I entered the black valley of despond. It is true that for a period I rejected friends, relatives and family. In truth I wallowed in my own self pity. Until I met a fellow sufferer who encouraged me to take a positive grip on my attitude to MS.

In my own case I suppose I have been lucky (if that is the apposite word) the gnawing, uncertainty of this condition has advanced at a much slower pace than I first imagined. But, if that over used old saw can be revisited, 'every cloud has a silver lining'.

I worked as a journalist/ researcher and have always written. So I took a pseudonym and began writing. Eventually after a number of attempts, I had my first novel published. Okay, for a years' work I made very little money out of the exercise, but the result was cathartic. Gradually I was introduced to societies, discussion groups and many other similar organisations.

I now make a reasonable living discussing my progression with others, from the depths of self loathing, to the high altitude of respect I presently inhabit.

Your partner should be encouraged to investigate; MS can be world shattering, nevertheless it can be, if examined positively, a spur to re-evaluate his attitude life and friends.

I wish you every blessing, good luck and please, if I could be of assistance, contact me.

You need a support group...people who are going through thus who can lift you up. You cannot do this alone

I admire you for making a conscious choice to give your life to this man. His heart won you over.

It is so easy to get wiped out, burned

What a powerful story... thank you for sharing (and I apologize I haven't seen it until now). The emotions you are experiencing are so very normal, and I'd be curious for an update on how things are going. I will wish you my best.