Upset With Life It's Not Fair

Hi all I,m 47 and really really wracked off with life I suffer from Progressive MS and my hubby is my full time carer my daughter is due to have her first baby next month, for the first time since I was diagnosed I feel life is sooooo unfair I Am getting worse on top of the MS I have serious problems with my stomach have had so many tests they were originally testing for bowel cancer as I have lost so much weight and an anaemic but after a colonoscopy etc they have said I have colitis with bleeding on contact which means every time I go to the toilet for a motion I bleed as the matters passes through my bowel, i don,t know which type yet awaiting biopsy results every time I eat I am in agony so food is really getting me down I get hungry but can,t eat because I know the pain I,ll be in. On top of this is the MS which I have to take morphine for just to control the pain my health is so bad I take so many prescriptions I rattle but I feel none help I feel life is slipping past me I can,t do what I want I,m afraid I can,t be the grandmother I want to be. My daughter is moving home in 3 wks her boyfriend will be here at wkend,s I don,t know how I am going to cope, I can,t do much anyway what help can i be to my daughter what help can i be at all I feel useless I feel a failure as a person, I feel redundant as a wife I feel redundant as a human being I want to do so much but can,t I can,t afford the expensive things that would help me to cope with everyday things why is life so unfair, I had a **** childhood with abuse which I have never been able to address as my mother won,t have anything to do with me now she never wanted children and we were certainly made very painfully aware of this from an extremely early point in our lives help can someone help me to deal with all of this as I feel I am drowning in it all, I could talk to my husband but he deals with my health problems daily and never complains so don,t feel I can put anymore on him life I somunfair
Karengemma81 Karengemma81
41-45, F
4 Responses Dec 2, 2012

chin up buttercup - hugs to you !!!!

Use this gift called the internet to learn about the wonders of our creator and his son Jesus, start with the book of John. Give your fears to God, it really works. Have faith and give thanks for the grandchild coming into your life. I hope you will feel better soon, I have MS also and I just have to deal with it. By: LYNN

i feel life is very hard too i feel depressed and very sad nowdays

Hello Karen,

My name is Casper. I'm 18 years old.
I want to talk to you about my experience with MS, and I hope you can get something from it.
I warn you, it's quite a long story lol.

My mother lived with MS all through out my life. As long as I can remember, she always needed a walking aid, which through time progressed. Looking back, I can say I had a fun childhood even though this was a very important piece of my life. It didn't matter, it was my life as I knew it and I was happy and so was my mother. That was all that mattered to me.

My mother was a inspiration in many ways, which unfortunately I figured out a little late.
She loved to run, judo and exercise. Then, at eightteen the doctors diagnosed her with MS, she and my father remained positive. They have albums filled with good memories, from back then.
In her twenties, she couldn't exercise as much, she was devestated by it, yet she kept strong.
As time went by, more and more activities became difficult for her.
My mother was a bit of a foul mouth, I can remember this one time we got in a minor car accident, and the first thing I thought was: 'Mom is gonna yell so hard at whoever hit her car!' Well she didn't because she was unconscience hahaha.
Anyway, it wasn't likely for her to mope around or be depressed. She would curse and such when something bad, MS related or not, happened. Yet she always was happy, she always enjoyed other people and she loved me, my sister and my father.
A lot of people praised her for always asking first how they were doing, instead of complaining about her own situation.

She passed away two years ago, due to a lung infection.
She couldn't fight it anymore because of the MS.

The last couple of years she was alive, I regret to say, I became distant of her. Even literally we became distant of each other; she had to be relocated to a nursing home nearby.
She was tired a lot of times, and I didn't like that, I wanted to do something but I couldn't.
Being the stupid teenager I was, I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to see my mom tired, I didn't want her to be in a nursing home with old people; she wasn't old!

Even then, when she was at a physical low, she kept a brave face. She was loved by staff and residents alike. Even though, after a while she couldn't talk as much, she somehow made me and my sister feel loved through all the sadness which was surrounding the situation.

The last year of her life, she rarely was able to talk anymore. It was then I felt at a worst; I could she the pain and sadness but I couldn't hear her say it was allright. We started having fights at home about it; I didn't wanna bring her back to the nursing home everytime she visited, I hated leaving her there. I never told my dad this, he still thinks I was too lazy or something.

Then she was relocated to the hosipital, God I hated that place.

To make matters worst, the news we good went from good, to bad, from 'she can leave tomorrow' to 'we need to talk about ending it.' During all of this I was cold and calculated, showing affection to my mother but not being upset as much as I should.

Finally we got the news: It was likely she wasn't going to make it.
I felt relieved, I couldn't take the swinging news, not again.
We went over there and we held a 'goodbye ceremony', just in case. My sister was crying the entire time, and I could feel the tears, but I held them back.
When I was asked to say 'my last words' to her it hit me; all she had done for me, all the things she had to face, everything she had to endure, everything she meant for me.

Everything of the last years which I had hidden behind a cold expression came up, I broke down, real bad.
My dad however, kept a straight face which I found odd, but I'll get to that.

She passed away a couple of days after. She died half an hour after our last visit and her brother was with her during her time of passing.

As we went over I saw my uncle cry for the first time, which was rather odd seeing as he was a 'boys don't cry' kind of guy. My sister ofcourse was devestated as well.

Me and my dad, cold straight faces. I got mad; mad at myself for not breaking down, mad at my dad for not showing a single emotion of sadness during the situation. I got so mad that later that same evening I punched my fist open against a tree, I guess that was my way of coping.

I said to my dad I wanted to speech at her funeral, I didn't want somebody just saying the nice stuff, and 'how it sucked she got MS, man that was bummer amma right??' I was honest, I said a lot of the things I wrote here. After the speech I broke down, I had never let anybody know how I truly felt about the situation. The speech got a lot of appraisal afterwards, it gave people the satisfaction that she had done the best she could with a crappy situation.

Now, after she has passed I think about her a lot, about all she's been through, about how difficult the love between her and my dad must have been, seeing somebody you love deteriorate day by day, week by week, year by year. It was then I realized, my dad must have carried these emotions which we felt at saying goodbye for a long time.
He had to say a lot of goodbyes to a lot of things they lost together.

They have remain married till this day, even though my dad has found a girlfriend now.

My mom has taught me a lot. She has learned me how complex love is, it has taught me how to love and appriciate people, I like to think I apply this in my relationships with girls, which is never a bad thing.
She has taught me life is hard, and unfair but you got to take it, you are not the only one with problems; everybody has them and everybody wants to talk about them.

It shouldn't come as a surprise then to announce to you that I'm a Psychology student, wanting to focus on one on one therapy.

Even though you're situation is a nasty and unfair one Karen, I want to urge you not to give to give up, for yourself, your husband and your daughter, and your grandkid. You may not be able to be there for them always, but they'll appreciate you company,
I assure you.

Kind Regards,

- C