Mands

Morning all

This is the way I deal with my MD deamon

I had an experience I would like to share. I call it Sunday lunch gone badly

Like usual the family gets together for Sunday lunch at my mom’s place. I prefer this option as my cooking could cause world hunger

Getting there the family was ready for lunch. Both my sisters, mom and dad in front of the TV. The weeks experiences get shared and at the moment all discussions is around the new baby in the family.

My eldest sister had artificial insemination done and produced a beautiful baby girl. The only thing this once bright accountant can talk about is lack of sleep.

My mom discusses the latest knitting pattern she discovered for booties and my dad is watching the rerun of his favourite soapie.

Me myself and I am sitting at the dining room table entertaining the baby (Nikitha) by pulling strange faces and speaking in a high pitch voice that even irritates me.

Don't get me wrong I love babies as long as I don't have to take them home

After lunch and putting on a few extra kilos’s it was time to head home. My way of getting up is grabbing a steady wall doing an auuh oooh sound and getting myself up.

This day someone moved a throw rug halfway into the kitchen on the tiles and half on the carpet in the dining room. After getting my body up after a few push ups I slip on the carpet falling into the kitchen

I cannot walk with shoes on so with my shoeless foot I fall somehow with my big toe first on the floor. Looking down I saw my once beautiful toe is now covered in blood as I connected it to the floor and decided to be nailess for the day

My mom saw me travelling in the air and gave such a shriek that the neighbours woke from their afternoon nap

Shouting at my dad to come and help being removed from watching his soapie ran a hundred metre style breaking the world record to reach me

There I'm sitting on the floor in a yoga position clutching my toe while meditating the pain away

My dad grabs me under my arms (yea that's going the get that hips moving) me shouting at him that he is interrupting my meditation.

My mom grabbed some tissues putting pressure on my toe and once again I'm shouting at her that she is interrupting my meditation session

Once the family calms down and realising that I'm still breathing I perform CPR on my toe making sure it's not amputated.

Now the next step is to making use of the 10steps to get me up. My dad weighing 50 pounds (nah not that bad) tries to get me up from behind (still hasn't managed to get the lifting thing correct)

I direct him to the front of my body to make eye contact so I can give directions with certain expressions on my face.

It now looks like a weight lifting session as I instruct that now is the time to get his legs ready and lift and not connect his size 10 shoe to my toe.

Bracing myself, dad lifts, connects my half amputated toe nail and I shriek so loud that dog start barking like crazy. My dad weighing 50 pounds, legs buckles under him and I'm left hanging like washing in his arms.

While evaluating the situation I tell him to place me back on the ground making sure I don't get placed on my toe and that I don't sit on one of the 8 cats and lift me to the basin so I can hold on and he pushes my body from behind under my bum as instructed.

Halfway during this attempt I'm again hanging on for dear life, bum in the air and my dad bursting into a laughing fit. There we both standing me bum in the air, dad's body nearly twisted like my body on a good day we both laughing in hysterics.

My mom moving as fast as she can goes to fetch my brother-in-law to come and help as he is a few pounds heavier than my dad and he knows how to pick me up and can do this in only 3 step instructions.

Why they didn't get him in the first place I still don't know

Now second or 10th attempt (lost track) he gets into position to do the weight lifting exercise for the day. I again mention not to connect his size 12 shoe with my toe and up we go. Murphy's Law this man connects with my toe and again my opera singing starts again.

The embrace that followed looked like I was having an affair with him holding on for dear life (dad's attempt made me panic) while his hands explored my body and his face moving in for a passionate kiss.

Thoughts go through my head that this is the closes I've come to a man younger than me in a while (turn my head to see if my sister the wife was watching and she was with a expression of disbelief)

This time the 3 steps turned into 12 steps and from his fondling the lower part of my body in an attemp to get the hips in an upward position my underwear became a g-sting or a wedgie (not sure what a woman would call it)

Now I'm sure this either looked like an affair or a rugby scrum I eventually get up with blood now pouring out of my toe nail. This is where the "ouch" comes in.

Exhausted I recommend that I be placed in my car to get home to attend medical care to my now swollen up toe and half amputated toe nail

Getting out of the car was another round of waking up the neighbours in my area with sounds coming out my mouth I never thought I could manage (time to enter Idols season 8?)

Collapsing in my recliner pressing the automatic "leg lifter" I try to get my toe higher that my heart pumping the blood toe my toe.

Looking up I realized that Randy's Favourite Dance Crew started on the telly. Ignoring the fact that my foot is in distress and could go into cardiac arrest due to blood loss I lose myself in the sexy dancers moving their hips in ways I would appreciate in closer contact.

Well this was my Sunday lunch gone badly and I look forward to my next director's attempt to get best movie Oscar for best drama series.  
mjdmartin mjdmartin
36-40, F
1 Response Jul 16, 2010

Hi there. Just wanted to introduve myself. My names Liss and I have FSHMD and having been in these same incredibly hilarious (but only in hindsight) situations with family and friends and the general public I can relate to your sunday lunch gone badly! Got to see the funny side they say !<br />
All the best<br />
Liss