What A Strange Existence...

I can imagine what genuine closeness and love might feel like and I even wish to have that, but I now know I will never experience that. It used to be so much easier before I knew of my NPD because I actually thought I was trying to have real relationships and I thought that real love was a possibility I was moving towards with others, and when it didn't happen it was because of them. So I would move on thinking my love was out there somewhere. Now I am well aware of why relationships with anyone never lasts and why I treat people so horribly.

My daily life has an exhausting routine of a strict diet, exercise, beauty maintenance, perfecting hobbies, making sure my surroundings are consistently clean and organized and poking and prodding different men to see which one I can "feed" off of. I do not enjoy my hobbies for they are just a means to boast about myself to others. I do not enjoy being around other people unless they are telling me how beautiful and perfect I am. When others believe this then I can believe it about myself even more. Rejection is so life shattering to me that I cannot be the pursuer of anyone. I must lure people to me. They must come to me only. That way I know I am in control and I already know they are in to me. To have men pursue me and tell me they would do anything to have me is the only enjoyment I get from life. Its like food to me. I feel most alive in those moments even though the very back corner of my mind is aware that in a few months I will hate this person as they continue to love me more and more. I seek no real life with this person. I seek no real intimacy. I seek only worship and admiration. The effects of one persons worship slowly becomes less and less powerful as the months go by. When I start to feel disgust and repulsion towards them, they can no longer feed me a sufficient amount of what I need anymore.

My life is a lonely existence filled with empty relationships. What will I do as I get older?? How will I lure men at such an age? How will I feed myself?? Even though I know I live a lonely and pointless life I still worry so much on how to maintain it. I cannot stop doing it and I dont want to. Its the only thing that feels good.
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1 Response Sep 10, 2012

You're possibly a wonderful empath and compassionate. You give him/her the stroking in an area that he/she needs - maybe intellectual or complement his/her looks. On top of it, you give him/her your undivided attention and may not enforce your boundaries. Am I on the right track?